Tag: suicide attempt

Hot and muggy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Hot and muggy

It’s a very warm day in Boston today. I am sweating and not liking this heat very much. I have not done anything except edit my book and talk to my therapist. She wants me to do a SSF, suicide status form as “the situation calls for it.” I could care less at this point. I am just so pissed off. I didn’t want to talk to her today. I should have canceled but I know she would have called me anyways.

Since finding out my date, she has been acting like a total psycho. I guess the date has some significance for her and it’s not like I knew that. I didn’t. I know her birthday is in Aug but it is NOT the day I picked to end my life. So I don’t know what her problem is. People die every day. We have put the date off for now but I don’t think I can. I want to end my life because I am tired of being in pain all the time. I can’t stand living like this anymore. I feel like a useless piece of shit. I told her I wrote to my psychiatrist a letter that I will probably send the day of the deed. I just can’t send it to her now because she probably will hospitalize me against my will again. I don’t want to be in the hospital and it will do no good being in the hospital because they just want to change your meds and if they can’t do that than within three days you are released. What are you going to accomplish in three days? NOTHING.

Why am I against the SSF? I don’t know, maybe because I am the one that introduced it to her and I feel like it is a slap in the face. I don’t think this will work because she never follows through with the whole thing anyways. We never resolve my suicidality. Soon as I don’t feel like doing one, it gets dropped and the whole thing fails. I guess I feel like why should I fill out a piece of paper that is going to tell me how I already feel? It’s not like I don’t hate myself, have psychache, am stressed to the maxed, am hopeless beyond belief, and am going to kill myself in a few months. I have no reason for living, and plenty of reasons for dying. Having my menses still is one of them.

I have had my menses for more than a month now. I am tired of it and my skin is irritated by the feminine products I have to wear and by my underwear. I am not used to wearing elastic fitting underwear that women wear. I rather wear boxer shorts but you can’t hold a feminine product in them. It makes me so uncomfortable and angry. More angry than I know what to do with and I have no one to take it out on. It’s not anybody’s fault really. I have the xx chromosome and not the xy so I guess I can blame my father as he is the one responsible for the Y chromosome! Another reason to hate him!

I know a shower might do me some good, washing off the stink of things and maybe cool me down some from this heat but I just can’t be bothered right now. I will later today. I have to as I really reek. I can no longer use deodorants because I have a rash under my armpit. It is going to be an interesting summer. I also have not shaved in a while because I have an open scratch where the rash is. I can’t help it. It is itchy!! So far the only thing helping is hydrocortisone cream. I hope it goes away soon.

Another thing about the SSF, it is not that I don’t like it. I actually praise it because it is a good tool to use. But the draw back like I said before is that I don’t think it can help me because I know how to “cheat” on it, per se. I know what the answers should be and that does not help me in the long run.

Another thing she asked me today was what was my psychache. I have not filled out a Holden psychache scale in so long. I don’t know what it would be. And again, it doesn’t matter. All it will prove is that I have psychological pain. I just feel very hopeless about this. I can’t help it. I am trying to get her to see that she will be losing me and to get away from me as far as she can and she just won’t do it. I just don’t care.

a crazy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

I know I have not written in a few days. I have been feeling exhausted. Yesterday I planned on writing but somehow the day got away from me and after the Sox game, I just was not in a writing mood.

I woke up this morning in pain, which is unusual as most of my pain is at night. But my foot was cold as it was a bit chilly in my room despite my foot being under the sheets and blanket. Pain woke me up and I took my pain medication. I was going to see my therapist today but my sister had the truck so I nixed it. It was a good thing I did because my mother came home from seeing her sister and collapsed on the floor due to low blood sugar. If I had gone to Framingham and then came home, I hate to think what would have happened. There was no way for her to get up. I couldn’t pull her up so had to call an ambulance. I didn’t realize she was having a hypoglycemic attack until her words were getting slurred. Her sugar was 38 (normal is between 70-100). And this happened just a few minutes before my session with my therapist so I had to cancel on her. I felt bad but I had no choice.

So I was kind of out of my tree from adrenaline and when that wore off the pain meds kicked in making me feel very sleepy. I still am fighting taking a nap but my foot is really hurting so I think I will after I write this. I then get an email saying that my appt with my PCP is in five minutes. I mixed up my dates. I thought it was Thursday and instead it was today. Fuck! Now I won’t get a refill of my pain meds. I still have some because I have been using less of them but I don’t have enough to last me till I see him on June 20th! He has no opening until then. I hope they can process my prescription. If not I am going to really be rationing my last of my pain meds. Which isn’t going to be good as I am in the middle of a pain flare up right now. I know part of it is that the temp keeps fluctuating between 50 to 70 degrees. And my body is sensitive to those dips and highs. Starting Thursday it is going to be in the 90s for a few days. Just lovely.

I had a friend from Australia email me yesterday. He wanted my advice about euthanasia and suicide. He has a cousin that wants to die because like me, he can no longer deal with his chronic illness. He doesn’t want to do the deed himself so has hired a doctor to legally kill him. I don’t know how I feel about this. I know that I wish I had a doc that would take me out of my misery but then my thoughts are because I am “depressed”. But you can be suicidal without feeling depressed so how does that play out? I truly understand what this kid is going through and can empathize with how he feels he has no other choice but to take his life but at the same time I wonder if depression is playing into a part of his decision to die and maybe if that were treated he wouldn’t feel that way. But then I look at my situation and think how can I justify that thinking if I am going to kill myself for that very reason.

I will write more on this later. I just can’t seem to get my thoughts coherent enough to think about this.

Chronic Pain and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

researchers have found a link between chronic pain and suicide.

that is something that I have known for sometime now as I am a chronic pain sufferer and have thought of killing myself numerous times to get rid of the pain. it is why sometime this year I plan on killing myself. it is not going to get better. I have a chronic pain condition and I really don’t care anymore. I will go through the motions of getting treatment knowing it is not a cure. just a bandaid and it hurts. But clinicians need to ask the question if they ever want to prevent suicide. I am a hopeless case. I have mental illness on top of chronic pain. it is worse with my condition. I feel like I can’t talk openly with my provider because then he tampers with my pain meds. I will not kill myself with my meds. I have other methods running through my head. but this article is interesting. I hope that people who read my blog that suffer from chronic pain do call the 800 number to talk to someone. I hope that it can work that way but I know that most people will not pick up the phone and call. I don’t know why that is. I know I have called but I am still where I am. I have found it helpful at times but sometimes I feel like they are just pretending to care when they really don’t. Just my experience. but that shouldn’t stop you from calling.

Needs and wants

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, suicide, suicide attempt

Every body needs somebody some times… These lyrics from Keith Urban describe how I feel today. Everyone has needs that have not been met and because of that they feel out of sorts. It could be disconnected from the world, feeling left out from a group, or even feeling unloved by those that love them the most. There is summary of the needs that Edwin Shneidman says are the core of suicidal thinking. I know I wrote about this in a previous blog called a little of this and that. But today I think I will write the needs in detail and what they mean.

ABATEMENT The need to submit passively; to belittle oneself

ACHIEVEMENT To accomplish something difficult; to overcome

AFFILIATION To adhere to a friend or group; to affiliate

AGGRESSION To overcome opposition forcefully; fight, attack

AUTONOMY To be independent and free; to shake off restraint

COUNTERACTION To make up for loss by retrieving; get even

DEFENDANCE To vindicate the self against criticism or blame

DEFERENCE To admire and support, praise emulate a superior

DOMINANCE To control, influence, and direct others; dominate

EXHIBITION To excite, fascinate, amuse, entertain others

HARMAVOIDANCE To avoid pain, injury, illness, and death

INVIOLACY To protect the self and one’s psychological space

NURTURANCE To feed, help console, protect, nurture another

ORDER To achieve organization and order among things and ideas

PLAY To act for fun; to seek pleasure for its own sake

REJECTION To exclude, banish, jilt, or expel another person

SENTIENCE To seek sensuous, creature-comfort experience

SHAME-AVOIDANCE To avoid humiliation and embarrassment

SUCCORANCE To have one’s needs gratified; to be loved

UNDERSTANDING To know answers; to know the hows and whys

You be the judge of your own needs and how they play out in your suicidality. Then work on ways to improving them, if possible.