Tag: suicide ideation

Pain and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

I started off my day in pain, around 0400. I hate waking up in pain. I stayed up for a little while and finally gave in to taking pain meds around 0800 when I just couldn’t take it anymore. I texted my therapist and she gave me a time for today. I really need someone to talk to. I feel like I am losing my mind with this loss of sleep. I went back to sleep after I had breakfast and the pain meds kicked in. I had weird dreams about my psychiatrist. We were on a boat and she wanted to give me a cortisone injection in my hip. That was the first dream. The second dream was also on a boat but other than that, I don’t remember much. What was weird, is that when I woke up, my hip was hurting me. I think I need to go back to physical therapy to get it looked at. It has been bothering me for some time now, since November of last year. I sneezed and pulled my back out. It took me a month to recover and then I sneezed again right before Christmas and took it out again. I have been limited in what I can do. Today I walked to Walgreens which is only a block and half from my house. By the end of the block, my hip was in agony and I didn’t think I was going to make it but I pushed through. It got a little better by the time I reached the store. I only went in for a couple of items and by the time I reached home, I was still sore. I haven’t done any lifting or sneezing the past few days so I am not sure why my hip is bothering me so much. I know it’s muscular because if I rub where it hurts, there are knots there. I just hope that it’s not the beginning of getting my nerve condition again. I have no other symptoms, like radiating pain down my leg or increase in loss of my bowels or bladder to make me think I am in trouble. But the thing with CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome, things can escalate quickly and without warning. The main reason I don’t want to make a fuss about it, is that I know most physical therapists don’t understand nerve injuries. Yes, muscle pain is common in back injuries but my back muscles have been injured because of nerve damage. That is why my hip goes out when I have a horrific sneeze attack.

My foot still hurts. It has been hurting more since I came back from the store. I can’t stand that I am still having trouble walking after all this time. Last night, I had swelling, severe pain, and the veins popped out in my foot. I don’t get how this is not CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I know the skin changes are not that drastic. But then when I see a doc, I don’t have the worse pain of my life. I might be a 3-5 on a scale of 1-10 when I see a doc. What annoys me is that my PCP doesn’t believe that I have this condition, even after three doctors have told me I have it. It just makes me want to kill myself in frustration. Severe pain always brings out the suicide part of me, not like it isn’t already there to begin with. The pain just gives me the little push I need to think about it more. I just feel trapped. I know that if I kill myself, more than 115 people will be crushed. The people most devastated will be my family and psychiatric team (therapist and psychiatrist). It is this reason why I haven’t attempted. I think that if I had a place to go to, I might be more willing to try. I don’t want to kill myself at home because I don’t want my family to find me like that. But I can’t afford a hotel room and I can’t risk someone finding me in a public place, like a park or something. I can picture myself going through with any of my methods that are running in my head, but I just don’t have the guts to actually go through with it. I am pathetic.

Goodbye, Jack

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, suicidality, suicide

Goodbye, Jack

Since very early this morning, I have been playing my game like crazy to get as many missions done as possible. Only to find, that it is impossible to finish all the missions. I am going to miss this game. I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow evening to wind down. I have a busy morning but when I come home, there isn’t going to be a game waiting for me to tend to crops and animals. It is going to be so weird. I still am thinking about getting off of Facebook for a while. I can already see that there is just going to be more bullshit photos of sayings and prayers. I have been slowly unfriending my gamer friends so they are not in my feed and my real friends are there. There is one gamer that has baby goats and like to post their pics. I could care less.

I had an interesting session with my therapist. I told her I was a nobody and for some reason, that triggered her into crying. She said it had to do with my self-regard. I don’t know why she took it personally. It is how I feel, a nothing, a nobody. Then I felt bad that she cried. But then, I have no idea the effect I have on people. It all started when I was telling her I don’t matter and the winner of the writing contest keeps coming up. It just hurts me that I didn’t win or even get a thank you for entering but sorry you didn’t win. I was one of 100 people that entered the contest. Surely they could have sent out sorry letters/emails. I just hate it when she says I contribute and I am wondering what the hell I am contributing to, exactly? It isn’t toward an academic journal or research lab. It isn’t even on the social media presence on Twitter. Hell, I tweet all the time and only 0.01 percent of the time, I get a response. So how am I contributing??

I entered another AAS contest, though I think I am wasting my money. I never win, but if you don’t play, you can’t win so I paid the money for the raffle and I will know June 2nd if I won. It’s an all inclusive package to Chicago for the 2016 annual conference. If I don’t win, I am never entering anymore contests from the AAS. I can’t be wasting money that can be used elsewhere.

My therapist was a real pita today. In addition to making her cry, she was just all in my business. I swear I was going to hang up on her if she told me one more positive thing about myself. I just couldn’t stand it. It’s one thing to hear it from time to time, but the last three days has been overwhelming me. It really is hard for the good stuff to sink in and I felt like she was hammering me with it. I understand that today I was going to end my life but now, I am not. And I really don’t know how I feel about that. Sure, I feel like a failure. But the last few days, I have been thinking about the people that would miss me and if I wasn’t here anymore. My online friends won’t know that I am gone. Who will be there to tell them? If they aren’t friends with my sisters, I doubt the message would go out. And what about Twitter? My sisters don’t know how to use Twitter so there will be a loss there. Just weird thoughts that I have been thinking about lately. And Julie Cerel’s number of 115 affected by one suicide keeps ringing in my head. That is the average number of people that will be affected by someone’s suicide. She doesn’t know where Shneidman got the number six, but it is way more than that. Hell, my mother’s side is just over 60 people, maybe more. My father’s side is smaller, more like 25 tops. And that is just my family, not including my friends, either at work or school or wherever.

My therapist wants me to make a nest. Of what exactly, I am not sure. The things she was naming to put in it sounded more like a hope box than a nest. When I brought that up to her, she was confused, or at least sounded like it. I might have interrupted her train of thought, which was sort of the point. I had told her what my psychiatrist said to me on my last visit to her. She called me, of all the people in her life, her role model. How the hell am I suppose to kill myself knowing these people take me so seriously and lovingly? I don’t know if it is a guilt trip but it sure feels that way. And I guess if they have their way, I am the one that continues to hurt, not them. But their affection towards me keeps me hanging on, even if it is for one more day.

Solitude of my Room

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, suicidality

Solitude of my Room

I woke up in a terrible mood. It was too early to do anything. I just really wanted to go back to sleep, for good, but couldn’t. Around nine, nature was calling so I went downstairs to answer it. My mother was in the bathroom and made a snarky comment. It was too early for me to respond. So I just took the abuse, did my business, and then went back up to the solitude of my room. I had several hours before therapy, and after my mother left the house, I breakfasted. By the time I finished, it was too late to catch the bus to get coffee. Starbucks just came out with S’Mores frappucino. I am dying to try it. But I have been nauseous for most of the day with post nasal drip. And migraine activity. When I went out, the sun was bright, and I instantly got a migraine. I hate when bright light cause migraines that quickly. I really can’t wait to get my sunglasses Friday.

My therapy session was surrounded by my thoughts and feelings about my death. I really wanted to end my life tomorrow but I have no method, no quick and dry method, anyway. This depresses me more than anything. How can you kill yourself if you don’t have a plan of action? I am a failure.

My therapist was happy that I published my psychosis story. I am glad I published it too as I got a lot of likes for it within the first hour. Then it kind of tampered off, like it usually does. I thought of sending it to my psychiatrist but still not convinced I should. I know she likes my writing. Everyone seems to like it even though I think it is crap. My therapist asked if I read it before I posted it. I told her I didn’t. Why would I? I know what it is about, I wrote the thing! The thing that bothers me most is that I get no parental support for my writing. My father doesn’t or wouldn’t even know what a “blog” is, nor would he read it because he is illiterate. My mother doesn’t like the topic of suicide so she wouldn’t read my writing. Course, it would bother her. And it’s not like I would like her to read my blog, anyway. But she made it clear she didn’t like my book and that hurt more than anything.

My therapist then proceeded to hound me on what I am working on for my second book. Here I am in a suicidal mood and she thinks I am working on a second book. What for? Why bother? She then hounded me about my writing. I can’t catch a break with her. I am all out of ideas to write for my second book. The psychosis piece was my last addition that I thought of. I have another idea to write about my delusions but I am not sure if that will be triggering to me or not. Last thing I need is another psychotic break. I didn’t tell my therapist this. She went on about drivers and such. Drivers is her new word for suicidal impulses. It is the reason “driving” the suicidal thoughts. She wanted me to increase my pain medication or at least take it more regularly. If I take it anymore than I have, I might be overdosing on it. And that will defeat the purpose of saving my life. She knows my physical pain is what is “driving” me to think of ending my life. I just can’t get away from the pain. Every single night for the last month, I have been suffering terribly. And every night I think about ending my life. But I never think about the “how”. I am an idiot, I know. But my other methods have always failed me so I need something that will work. And I am tired, so very tired of just wishing my death.

I have been very solemn around my game. It ends tomorrow, I think at midnight. There has been no time frame given as to when it will end. I have been trying eagerly to get the pop up to end missions but have not gotten it yet today. I keep playing hoping it will appear. I am going to miss this game so much. I am close to finishing a couple of missions I have been working with for the last few months but I don’t think I have time to finish. Time is just not there to collect the stuff I need. It is really depressing me. I have played this game for years, annoying as it has been at times. But it passed the time adequately and gave me something to do during the day. It was a distraction that I needed from my thoughts. Now it is no longer going to be there and I am not sure what I am going to do with myself.

As You Turn Away

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain

As You Turn Away

I find this song fitting for how I feel today about things. I had therapy today and my therapist wants me to trek out tomorrow to see her. I don’t have any intention to do so. It will be the last time I see her and I think that will be harder on her. I really want to minimize my death as much as possible, should it happen this week. I am so torn. I want to stay but I don’t. I am tired of fighting the pain every day. I am exhausted due to lack of sleep all the time. I just don’t see how I can go on living like this. I am trying to but it just doesn’t make any sense.

My therapist did the SSF on me today. I don’t see the usefulness of it. But I let her have her answers. She filled in the blanks on reasons for living. And I just let her. I was too tired to argue with her. She read my short story on psychosis. She really liked it. She called it “scholarly”. I don’t know why she used that term as I didn’t use any clinical references at all in the story. It’s all autobiographical in nature about my psychosis episodes, minus the last episode. I really didn’t think the story made sense but she went off about how good it is and that I should get it published. I could tell she was trying to flatter me. She was going on and on how I can intertwine things in my writing. Anyway, I published it on my blog if you want to read it. It’s called “Psychosis is a Funny Beast”. I doubt it will ever see print in any other format.