Tag: suicide ideation

Fears about my book

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Fears about my book

I thought I would write about the fears I have about my soon to be published book. The editor finally got back to me and I am next in line. I am hoping this means a few days. I am so nervous it’s not funny. I know the book is good and just needs some tweaking.

The fears I have for my book is the reaction my family will have when they read it. I didn’t go postal in the book about them but it is more like “how can you write that” type of thing or “why didn’t you tell me”. I am very fearful that word is going to get back to my mother about my transgender issues and that is not making me feel any better about myself. I don’t know what I will do if she does my ultimate fear and kick me out of the house. I am hoping the financial security I bring in is enough to stop her from doing this. But you never know.

Another fear I have is that my book won’t be well received and I will get hate reviews or people will think I am a freak. This in turn might cause me to wish I was dead and make me again think suicide is my only way out. Dealing with my identity has been a struggle all my life. Any type of rejection and I am bound to think about suicide.

Another fear I have is that the book won’t sell at all, just a handful of copies. I know that is unlikely as I am estimating at least fifty in the first month of its release. I know people in my support groups are going to buy my book so that is some consolation. Then I have the opposite fear, that the book will do really well and I am taken off disability because I made too much money. Again, my estimates are no where near the max and I am going to go slow in releasing the book. But I don’t know if Amazon does its own advertising or promotion. It would be great if my eBook is like 0.99 cents. But overall, I really have no idea how my book is going to be priced. I am estimating it to be $15 USD. It could be more or less than that. I just don’t know. It will be the final stages I am guess I find out, when I am close to hitting the publish button.

Another fear I have is about formatting. I did a dry run and found that I had several errors. Fun to find that out now. But I don’t know how to tweak it when my editor is done or if she will help me with this stuff. I haven’t asked her yet. If she says no, I am left on my own. I figured out how to get it to be “clean” text to place in the format template. But I don’t know how the real thing is going to look like. I think you can get a sample copy, which I am definitely going to do before mass production of the book. I think that will be good so I can make changes. I think this process will slow down my publishing date of the first week in April but who knows, the editor and I could still be working on it for that length of time.

Well I guess that are all the fears that I have.

write the pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Write the pain.

For those that are frequent blog readers, you know I write about my pain, physical and emotional, most, if not all, the time. It has been the cornerstone of my blog. I can articulate what few can and my readers like what I write because they can relate.

Writing about pain has been a staple of my blog. It seems I cannot write without some measure of pain. It can be the pain associated with depression. It can be the pain associated with the chronic pain condition that I have. It can be a pain that keeps me awake at night. The pain that tears at you and is unrelenting. Whatever type of pain that I have been feeling, it has caused frustration, anguish, despair, suicidal thoughts, and agony. It makes you dread waking up in the morning. It makes you want to sleep forever, to have this escape of no consciousness. It wears you out. And exhausts you. It causes you to be unmotivated. To want to stay in bed and not face the day. But for me, it also has been the stimulus behind so many writings. I write about my darkness that is a short story. I write about the chronic pain and suicide ideation that happens frequently.

Pain has been sadly, the inspiration to write this blog because it causes such dark thoughts, and by dark thoughts I don’t mean just depressive thoughts. I’m talking about suicide ideation. Thoughts that make you think you would be better off dead than to continue living. Dark thoughts of suicide, the ones where you cannot express in normal conversation. Most of my dark thoughts are expressed in this blog because the therapist hours do not occur between 11 PM and 3 AM. It’s hard to find any here to listen between those hours. So I read about the pain. I write and I write till I am succumbed by pain meds or psych meds or exhaustion. I write the pain. Because if I did not have this outlet, the dark thoughts would take over. And I would cease to exist.

Pain is exhausting, be it physical or emotional. And to have both occur at the same time is just torture. When the meds don’t work, when the pain is overwhelming, when all you feel is anguish and misery, that is what causes you to feel like life is not worth living. Writing helps to express what I cannot it sort of makes life more bearable as the father of suicidology has said many times, decreased the psychache (pain), decreased the suicide. I have found writing the pain decreases in my dark thoughts. This doesn’t mean I have found a life worth living. It just means life is more bearable for me.

transgender and exhaustion

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicidality, transgender, writing

I thought it would try this out again. I have been having a sucky day. I took a shower today and afterwards, I was exhausted. But I had therapy so I couldn’t take a nap. I slept till about nine after a crappy sleep. I didn’t wake up restful.

In therapy, my therapist read my blog and she was interested in my dreams. I knew this would happen and I didn’t feel like talking about it. So I avoided the subject again. We talked instead of all my dinner with my cousin and the depression that I’ve been feeling. She wanted to know more about my depression symptoms but they seem to have eluded me. It was like they were out of my grasp. It wasn’t like she put me on the spot or something of the sort. I just couldn’t remember what my symptoms were that I had written about in my blog. We talked about my death wishes briefly but that that make me feel any better. In fact, I had totally forgot what I had written about. I knew I had written about my cousin’s dinner, and about my dreams, but I forgot about the death wishes. The death wishes are mean wishing that I was dead and not seeing the future in my life. She asked if I could see anything in my future and I told her no. She brought up my book and that just gave me anxiety. I still haven’t heard from my editor and the longer I don’t hear from her, I feel more anxious.

We also talked about being transgender, which I didn’t like too much. She said that my book would be helpful for those with my issues but I don’t really see that as happening. I see my book as being a flounder. I don’t really think it’s going to sell at all. I think that I have too many issues in my book. When I have a mental illness, I have cauda equina syndrome, and I have the transgender issues. That’s a lot to write in a short book. But then, I have never been one to exaggerate. I don’t believe in hyperbole. I think it’s silly and dangerous. I really don’t know what people are going to think when they actually see me after reading my book. Are they going to think that I’m just a lesbian? Are they going to think that I’m faking it? I can’t hide what I feel. And I know that being in the body of a female is very distressing to me. I try not to show it usually but it’s there most of the time. I am not one to think of other people’s thoughts. Because frankly, I could care less. What other people think of their going to think and I have no control over that.

I have seen my therapist three times this week. It I still feel like I should talk to her one more time. I don’t know why that is. It’s not like I’m in crisis, I guess it’s just because I feel alone. Since having to deal with family issues, I have not had any time for myself. I stayed in my room but it’s not like I’ve gotten anything done. The only things that I have done, are my blogs. I haven’t gone to Starbucks today. I just can’t find the energy to get dressed, to check bus schedules, and then to leave the house. I then have to walk to the bus stop. And that seems like an awful lot of energy for one cup of coffee. I could make it at home but I don’t feel like it in the rush that I get. I just really want to sleep. I father’s doctor will be calling me tonight and I’m really not looking forward to it. It’s not like things will be bad, I know it won’t. But it’s just a hassle of interfering with my rest that is bothering me. I just want to be left alone today and not have anything to do. I would like to finish my book but I don’t think that is in the works. I did however, find the fucking beeping fire alarm finally. It is the one to the entrance of the door and I can’t reach it because a) I am short and b) it’s above stairs. I have to wait until my brother-in-law gets home. So until then, my mother and I have to listen to the beep.

just so frustrating

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I just came home from eating dinner at my cousin’s house. We had a good time. I told him about my book but didn’t say anymore about the content of it. He is one of those people that thinks that if you don’t talk about suicide, it doesn’t exist. He doesn’t know about my attempts for this reason. He doesn’t want to hear about it. He rather hear about how crippling my depression is than hear about how suicidal I have been. It is a barrier so we just don’t talk about it.

I also didn’t talk about my being transgender. He made a comment tonight about how I am his favorite girl or something to that effect. I wanted to correct him but then I figured why bother.

I had an extremely long day that was mostly dealing with my family members. I think the only two members of the family I didn’t have to deal with today were my youngest niece and my brother in law, oh and my nephew. So three. I am exhausted just thinking about it. My morning was filled with going up and down stairs. My ankle is thanking me kindly right now with pain. No matter as I am about to take my night meds and go to bed. I am hoping that I will stay asleep till eight but I doubt it. My track record hasn’t been good and I didn’t get a good night sleep last night. I went to bed after two in the morning and then woke up an hour later. Took some Ativan and only slept for two more hours before I said the hell with it and stayed up. I lost track on how many hours I have been up. Plus I am sick so that doesn’t help me much. If I continue this way, I know I am not going to get rid of this cold.

I had therapy today and my therapist was on her high horse, which pissed me off. I warned her that if she didn’t settle down, I was going to hang up on her. The one advantage of phone sessions. I finally told her about what my AAS blog is going to be about. I didn’t tell her at first because I wasn’t sure if I told her what I did and I was afraid that she would be mad at me or get all worried on me. I don’t know when this post is going to be published but when it is, I will reblog it here. I think it is an important post about chronic pain and suicide.

Tonight while I was over my cousin’s, I was thinking of suicide and how I don’t think much about it these days. I guess because my chronic pain is well controlled and I am not hurting too much these days. But the depression. Man, that is a whole other can of worms!! That is making me wish I was dead so bad. I just don’t want to be alive and there is really no one I can talk to about this. I haven’t been able to tell my therapist because we have been dealing with my family issues lately more than my suicidal thinking, or death wishes. They are more like death wishes than actual suicide thoughts. I am not planning my death or anything. I just wish I was dead. I dread waking up most mornings. I have been having bad dreams. So I can’t even have a restful sleep even if I wanted it. It’s so distressing. I haven’t told my therapist about the dreams. She knows I have been having weird dreams but not every night. She doesn’t know that and I am afraid to tell her because I know she wants to talk about it. I would talk about it but I don’t remember the dreams. I remember the people in my dreams but not what they were doing or anything like that. It is so frustrating. And makes me wish I was dead all the more. I just want to escape. I need a place I can go to without judgment and criticism. Away from my family for a little while. I don’t want to go into the hospital because they aren’t going to do much for me and will most likely make my sleep worse. Plus I am not suicidal so it is not like I need to be in the hospital. I just want to die. I feel like the future is closing in on me where it was expanding on me before. Maybe I don’t have a future. I still believe that I am meant to kill myself. But I don’t have the lethality to actually follow through with it. It’s just so frustrating. I can’t live and yet I can’t die. WTF am I supposed to do. Yet I continue to exist. And I don’t like it.