Tag: suicide ideation

Rambling 43

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, mood disorders

Been trying to get some writing in the past half hour but I have been procrastinating by going on twitter, Facebook, listening to the radio, etc. I haven’t written a blog in over a day. I know I posted yesterday but I wrote that the day before. I don’t know why writing can come so easy sometimes and harder at other times.

I have to pick up my niece in about a half hour. I sometimes get overwhelmed with her because I don’t know what to do with her. We usually watch a movie or TV together. But then she gets hungry and all I really know how to make is scrambled eggs. Lame I know. I know she will be hungry so maybe I will order a pizza or something. I have been looking forward to pizza from Papa Johns the last few weeks. It costs a little more than the local pizzeria but to me it tastes a little better. Plus, I have been looking for a way to reward myself since writing the difficult blog over the weekend. I sent it to my therapist as I couldn’t even read it to her the other day, that’s how difficult it was.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I am laying out my cards to tell her everything that I have been thinking about the past few months. I know I have placed the date off for now but that doesn’t mean that something won’t happen between now and then to change my mind. My friend in Chicago finally read my message to him about my planning and he says that I can’t kill myself. He asked what he can do to help me but there is nothing he can do, other than to be there when I need him to be. I know he will follow through. He is one of my best friends. We have been friends for over fifteen years so I know he isn’t going anywhere.

I got mentioned in a Facebook status today. Normally it is for something silly but this time it was for being who I was. This person that I met only through the mutual game we play, mentioned me as being an interesting person and wanting to keep me on as a friend as she was deleting her friends because she no longer can keep up with this game. I feel honored by this post. It made me feel really good that someone who barely knows me thinks of me as interesting and wants to keep me on as a friend. I know she reads my blog, so I thank you.

Today I was disappointed in one of my apps, InTune Radio on my phone. I was so pissed that I turned into my favorite radio station and all I got was commercials for the first few minutes. Then half way through my favorite song, the damn thing goes awry with buffering and I lose it! I get buffered back in only to lose signal on the way home with another song! I tried shutting the damn thing off but it wouldn’t so I had to manually turn the app off. I went back to listening my mp3 app. So much for listening to the radio. Thank goodness I don’t pay extra for that data that I lost or was attempting to get. My phone then acted up with losing signal. I tried updating my twitter and couldn’t get a damn signal. I said the hell with 4G and went back to 3G. I haven’t had a problem with my phone since switching. So weird. I know I am not a technical savvy person to comment but shouldn’t 4G be better than 3G?? Either that or my phone is crapping out because it needs to be upgraded. But the phone is only a year old so why bother. It does what I want it to do and since I removed the Go Locker app, it has been working fine. It doesn’t freeze up like it did. I liked that it had a Stargate screen but it’s not worth my phone freezing up.

My mood has been back to its baseline the last few days. I am back to being depressed. I knew the ups were not going to last too long. They never do.

Four Buses to Perform my Civic Duty

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I had to take four buses today to vote for the Mass Senate election today. It would have been five had my cousin not dropped me off at Starbucks first. And it is hot and muggy out. I thought I was going to fry while waiting for my third bus.

UGH, Just got a text from my baseball network tweets that my favorite infielder is going to AAA and another infielder that I never heard of is taking his place. Took me I don’t know how many scrolls to figure out that this guy was an infielder because in the tweet that I got, it also listed the backup catcher on the 60-day disabled list. I wasn’t sure if we got another catcher or infielder. Wish they would be more clear but I understand that you have only so many letters to tweet.

I have a week off of therapy. I am glad as yesterday’s session annoyed me. She was the inquisitor asking me fifty million questions ranging from how I am doing to how I was feeling to when my next appointment was with my primary. I felt like I was getting drilled. And then we talked more about my suicidal plan. Today she wanted to know what I wanted to talk about but I had no clue. We tried to keep it light but it ended up going over to the dark side for a bit. She still insists that I cannot kill myself in the month of August and September. And I am like, the other months are ok? Killing myself in December would be ok? I just don’t know anymore. I don’t even know if I really want to kill myself. I haven’t been in intense pain for the past couple of weeks. We also talked about pain, but she kept referring to psychache and I was talking about my physical. Talk about being on opposite sides. On the other hand I could just kill myself because I can. I am just so torn. If I continue to live, would it be okay for me to do so? I know that might be a silly question, but given on hell bent I am/was on killing myself, wouldn’t I go against my own personal principles? Not like there is a law that says I have to. No one can really order me to kill myself (other than perhaps the voices in my head, which they have done before). Only I can make or break that decision. I guess since I have been feeling a little bit better, the land of the living seems ok, for now. But I also brought up the point that if I am in the throws of a flare up, I would be wishing for death and then feel a betrayal to myself for not following through.

In the midst of this, I have been reading Lincoln’s Melancholy. Lincoln has to be the my most favorite person in the world. I know he lived more than 160 yrs before I was born, before the time of even recognizing mental illness for what it is now. He suffered through I don’t know how many major depressive episodes and somehow got through them without killing himself. He once said during his first presidency, that he would have killed himself but what kind of message would that bring to the southern states? I have always admired him. He is the true staple of what resiliency is.

During our discussion in therapy, I brought up my scars on my wrist. My therapist said that I would get through this time like I have in the past, like my scars tell me. She kept on telling me that was what I wrote. At first I had no idea what she was talking about until I figured out it was this blog she was referring to. I forgot that I sent it to her. My mind is like a sieve. Soon as things filter their way through, I forget I did them. I probably won’t remember half of what I am writing here today. I guess it is a way for my head to get rid of what I am feeling in that moment.

I am eight hundred views shy of reaching ten thousand views. If I reach it before July 18th, that will be awesome. That is the start of my blog. Hard to believe my blog will be a year old. I just got five new followers within the last twenty-four hours. I surpassed two hundred. I would call my blog successful, I guess. But then I don’t know how my blog fairs with say the new AAS blog. I am sure they have more readers than I do, but I do get some filtering in when I post there or when someone reads the “who we are” page. I have fun writing for them.

End of Story

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression

I had a difficult day, though I slept through most of the day. I still have bad cramps and after taking a shower tonight, my leg is not acting up. I thought I was done with the pain and dreams of going back to work were filling in my head. But I guess I stood too long in the three song shower. Literally it takes me three songs to take and be done with a shower, four if one of the songs are short. I brushed my teeth.

It has been a hot week so I have taken a shower nearly every day. But today I guess my foot had enough. I just took pain meds. There isn’t a baseball game on tonight so I won’t be up late.

I am thinking about calling my cousin Paul but I don’t know if I want to talk. I kind of am discouraged and feeling really bad with the menses and the cramps are really getting to me. I still can’t believe that I got my menses. I really thought the patch was going to work. I will try again after. I only have about a month and half to live so I don’t see the point in making an appointment with my endo doc.

Been feeling down since last night. I think the good mood that I was in evaporated with the heat. I have been trying to feel good today but it has been such an effort. I got my hair cut from my cousin but he didn’t cut it short enough for me. I might go to the barbers on Wednesday like I was planning. I don’t know. I know a good hair SHORT haircut always makes me feel good.

I had therapy this morning. I don’t remember much except that I fibbed. I told my therapist that my plan was off but she didn’t believe me. I just couldn’t take talking about it with her anymore. She kept on asking stupid questions. She wants me to see a consultant. What am I going to say to him, really? I am going to kill myself and there is nothing you can do, have a nice day? Why bother involving him? Doesn’t make sense to me. Not like he is going to help me. He doesn’t have anything useful that I could use. I would have found it by now. I am tired of being in pain. END OF STORY. And by the end means taking my life, so be it. I am kind of scared though. I never have meant it like I mean it now. I just want relief. I want to be pain free. I don’t want to be stuck taking pain pills for the rest of my life. Funny how I am comfortable taking my psych meds though. I know I need those for my well being, not that they work the greatest. It is just enough to keep me out of the hospital. But I still get psychache at points in my life and it brings me down. I want reprieve. I don’t think I am asking too much. I know a lot of people suffer every day, but I am now one of those people and I can’t bear it anymore.

Enduring the unendurable

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I thought I would try and write a little bit about my thinking about suicide and what it means. I have spent the last hour reading up on Shneidman’s psychache, the psychological pain that encompasses you to think only about ending the pain, even if it means ending your life. Then I read some more about the factors that go into psychache and suicidal thinking. It was a refresher course in knowing about suicide as psychache.

In getting to what my therapist wanted to me to write about constriction, there really is nothing to write. It is a term concocted by Shneidman that basically means you are fixated on one thing to ease your pain. But what I did come across, that is interesting, is what the Emperor of Japan said to his people after the end of WWII. He basically told them to “endure the unendurable and suffer what is unsufferable” so as to contain any suicides as the Japanese are an honorable country. That thinking is the formula for outliving a suicidal crisis.

I have been feeling good the past few days and don’t know why. I don’t know if it is hypomania or what but my mood has totally did an about face. It is eerily weird to feel so carefree. Yet in the back of my mind I am scheming and plotting to end my life in two months. Least that is what I think I am thinking. But then my friend from Nebraska reconnected with me. I am thinking that maybe I can take the Emperor’s advice and try to keep enduring the unendurable. I know I say this now that I am not experiencing any dysphoria or physical pain. I just can’t think that I can stop thinking about killing myself is somehow contributing to my euphoric feelings because I know I have a way out of my suffering. It is a funny place to be, and I don’t mean the ha ha kind of funny. I never have felt good for more than a few days at a time and this go round will be almost a week that I have felt up.

Since reconnecting with my college friend, I feel that I must tell him that I might not be around that much longer. I think he has the right to know as we have been friends for almost fifteen years now. But will I cause worry? Will he believe me when I tell him this? Or will he just chalk it up with the myth that talking about it means you won’t do it? I won’t know until I tell him. I rather he find it out from me than from someone else, though seeing as we have few friends in common, the likelihood of him finding out will be slim/next to none. But then I wonder how many of my friends will find out that I have died. I thought of writing a note to someone to tell them what to do as I don’t think my family would be able to do it but I don’t think that I can do that. Most likely that friend would ignore me or think that I am just talking.