Tag: suicide ideation

a crazy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

I know I have not written in a few days. I have been feeling exhausted. Yesterday I planned on writing but somehow the day got away from me and after the Sox game, I just was not in a writing mood.

I woke up this morning in pain, which is unusual as most of my pain is at night. But my foot was cold as it was a bit chilly in my room despite my foot being under the sheets and blanket. Pain woke me up and I took my pain medication. I was going to see my therapist today but my sister had the truck so I nixed it. It was a good thing I did because my mother came home from seeing her sister and collapsed on the floor due to low blood sugar. If I had gone to Framingham and then came home, I hate to think what would have happened. There was no way for her to get up. I couldn’t pull her up so had to call an ambulance. I didn’t realize she was having a hypoglycemic attack until her words were getting slurred. Her sugar was 38 (normal is between 70-100). And this happened just a few minutes before my session with my therapist so I had to cancel on her. I felt bad but I had no choice.

So I was kind of out of my tree from adrenaline and when that wore off the pain meds kicked in making me feel very sleepy. I still am fighting taking a nap but my foot is really hurting so I think I will after I write this. I then get an email saying that my appt with my PCP is in five minutes. I mixed up my dates. I thought it was Thursday and instead it was today. Fuck! Now I won’t get a refill of my pain meds. I still have some because I have been using less of them but I don’t have enough to last me till I see him on June 20th! He has no opening until then. I hope they can process my prescription. If not I am going to really be rationing my last of my pain meds. Which isn’t going to be good as I am in the middle of a pain flare up right now. I know part of it is that the temp keeps fluctuating between 50 to 70 degrees. And my body is sensitive to those dips and highs. Starting Thursday it is going to be in the 90s for a few days. Just lovely.

I had a friend from Australia email me yesterday. He wanted my advice about euthanasia and suicide. He has a cousin that wants to die because like me, he can no longer deal with his chronic illness. He doesn’t want to do the deed himself so has hired a doctor to legally kill him. I don’t know how I feel about this. I know that I wish I had a doc that would take me out of my misery but then my thoughts are because I am “depressed”. But you can be suicidal without feeling depressed so how does that play out? I truly understand what this kid is going through and can empathize with how he feels he has no other choice but to take his life but at the same time I wonder if depression is playing into a part of his decision to die and maybe if that were treated he wouldn’t feel that way. But then I look at my situation and think how can I justify that thinking if I am going to kill myself for that very reason.

I will write more on this later. I just can’t seem to get my thoughts coherent enough to think about this.

RAMBLINGS 39

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Watching my favorite game as I am typing this. I have not been feeling well the past few days. I didn’t sleep well Friday night and was pretty sleepy most of the day. I really tried to stay awake as long as possible but by 6 pm I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I ended up writing three blogs that day/night. I was in pain and kind of pissed off with a report about chronic pain and suicide.

I really need to shower today as it has been almost four days. I just hate showering. I don’t know why that is. I think it is definitely a mental thing. I know that I can stand long enough to shower and dry off but it is just to me an inconvenience. I do wish there was a bathtub in my apartment but there isn’t. I just have a shower stall. I also have not brushed my teeth in the last two days. I am just a mess. I am glad no one gets too close to me. I have not been out since Thursday. I wanted to go out yesterday but I didn’t feel like it with me feeling so tired. Soon as there is a “boring” spot during the game I will take a shower.

This is my off week on birth control pills. I have to be off them for a few days to start the new patch. I am just worried that with this patch, I will take even fewer showers than I do already. I am just afraid that I will wash it away or worse that with the summer coming up, I will sweat it off. I hope that it stays on. The nice thing about this patch is that it is a weekly thing and I don’t have to take a pill anymore. I just have to remember to change the patch.

I hope that being off a week doesn’t cause too much bleeding. I am already annoyed and my skin is irritated by the pads. I hate being a woman so much it is not funny.

There are three top reasons why I want to kill myself: 1) psychache, 2) chronic pain, and 3) not being a man. There is no particular order of why I choice that order but those are the reason and it might mean one day I have more of a reason than the others on a particular bad day.

I had a comment today on my blog that said that he found my blog inspirational. I hope that it is to people. I can’t imagine that what I am writing is all fluff and stuff. I write from the heart and if people can’t get the message from that, then so be it.

I had almost 30 blog readers today. That is high as I usually don’t get that many on a Sunday. I will usually get less than twenty. But lately my numbers have been picking up, especially with my Google searches. I had fifteen the other day that lead them to my blog, from countries around the world. My top viewers are the U.S., Canada, and the U.K. I also get some from Australia and New Zealand. I get excited when I get the European countries and some from the Russia Federation. The nice thing about WordPress is that is keeps the statistics about the countries and when you display all, it is nice to see so many countries lit up. I had a Mexican follower for a few weeks. That was exciting because I have friends from Mexico.

The Indians have scored a home run and my boys are down by 2 runs now. And the Rays are chopping on the Skankees, 4-0. My boys might go into first if they are able to come back in this game.

Chronic Pain and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

researchers have found a link between chronic pain and suicide.

that is something that I have known for sometime now as I am a chronic pain sufferer and have thought of killing myself numerous times to get rid of the pain. it is why sometime this year I plan on killing myself. it is not going to get better. I have a chronic pain condition and I really don’t care anymore. I will go through the motions of getting treatment knowing it is not a cure. just a bandaid and it hurts. But clinicians need to ask the question if they ever want to prevent suicide. I am a hopeless case. I have mental illness on top of chronic pain. it is worse with my condition. I feel like I can’t talk openly with my provider because then he tampers with my pain meds. I will not kill myself with my meds. I have other methods running through my head. but this article is interesting. I hope that people who read my blog that suffer from chronic pain do call the 800 number to talk to someone. I hope that it can work that way but I know that most people will not pick up the phone and call. I don’t know why that is. I know I have called but I am still where I am. I have found it helpful at times but sometimes I feel like they are just pretending to care when they really don’t. Just my experience. but that shouldn’t stop you from calling.

Needs and wants

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, suicide, suicide attempt

Every body needs somebody some times… These lyrics from Keith Urban describe how I feel today. Everyone has needs that have not been met and because of that they feel out of sorts. It could be disconnected from the world, feeling left out from a group, or even feeling unloved by those that love them the most. There is summary of the needs that Edwin Shneidman says are the core of suicidal thinking. I know I wrote about this in a previous blog called a little of this and that. But today I think I will write the needs in detail and what they mean.

ABATEMENT The need to submit passively; to belittle oneself

ACHIEVEMENT To accomplish something difficult; to overcome

AFFILIATION To adhere to a friend or group; to affiliate

AGGRESSION To overcome opposition forcefully; fight, attack

AUTONOMY To be independent and free; to shake off restraint

COUNTERACTION To make up for loss by retrieving; get even

DEFENDANCE To vindicate the self against criticism or blame

DEFERENCE To admire and support, praise emulate a superior

DOMINANCE To control, influence, and direct others; dominate

EXHIBITION To excite, fascinate, amuse, entertain others

HARMAVOIDANCE To avoid pain, injury, illness, and death

INVIOLACY To protect the self and one’s psychological space

NURTURANCE To feed, help console, protect, nurture another

ORDER To achieve organization and order among things and ideas

PLAY To act for fun; to seek pleasure for its own sake

REJECTION To exclude, banish, jilt, or expel another person

SENTIENCE To seek sensuous, creature-comfort experience

SHAME-AVOIDANCE To avoid humiliation and embarrassment

SUCCORANCE To have one’s needs gratified; to be loved

UNDERSTANDING To know answers; to know the hows and whys

You be the judge of your own needs and how they play out in your suicidality. Then work on ways to improving them, if possible.