Tag: suicide

on being a loser

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

My therapist is back from vacation. I really am glad she is back. We talked a lot today and I sent her a funny card for her birthday which is tomorrow. On the front of the card it has a dog saying “look I can connect to the internet” and a cat that is saying, “that is the microwave…” on the inside is says something about being an imbecile in the technological age, which is so true for her. I wish she was up to speed technologically but only a miracle can happen before she is. She has a vague idea what Skype is just to give you an idea and even though I created her own email address, she always forgets she has it. In her squirrel brain, I don’t know if she ever uses email for anything.

I have been depressed all day despite being with my niece. I just have been really fighting the suicidal thoughts all day. Even though I feel I have made some success with my blog and it being on the Masters in Counseling website, I still feel like a loser. I just don’t feel good enough. I am wicked depressed and in pain all the time. I am so tired of being in pain all the time. Yesterday my arthritis was acting up because I haven’t been taking my anti-inflammatory pill. I have sort of been deciding which meds to take and which not to take since I have been having trouble finding the funds to get them. I kind of wish I was on state health care so that it might be cheaper than what I am paying with my private insurance but there is no guarantee that I can see my providers. I know I can still see my therapist and psychiatrist. I am just worried that I won’t be able to see my primary care doc. So until then, I am skipping doses except for my psych meds. I can’t miss too many days of them because I will go nuts.

Because my pain has been acting up severely lately, I have really been in a funk. I just can’t get myself together to get out of it. I still do everything that I normally do, like go to Starbucks and goof off there then come home and usually write something. I just don’t know why I bother leaving the house. I hate taking the bus now. I get wicked anxious on the ride home every time. Getting there to where I need to go is not a problem because it’s the last stop of the bus. Everyone needs to get off so I don’t feel so claustrophobic and panicky. But on the ride home, if someone is blocking the entrance or an exit, I just get really paranoid and panicky for some reason. I don’t know why it is and why this is happening as I NEVER felt that way before while on the bus. I guess I am just self-conscious that I may trip over someone or something and go flying when the bus stops. I hardly leave my seat anymore when approaching my stop for fear of falling. I usually have good balance but lately I have been off. I guess it is becoming more into my head of not knowing where my feet are and it’s distracting me. Because of my nerve injury, I no longer know where my feet are, especially my “good” foot which is my right. I used to be able to keep my balance pretty good but lately I have been losing my balance on it more than my “bad” foot. I just feel like killing myself will solve everything. I won’t have to deal with the anxiety, the pain, the loss of balance, and the heartache anymore.

My therapist reminded me today that I am needed by others. Again with the others and my family. I kind of felt better, a little bit but I know she was just saying it because she is one of the others that need me for some reason. It kills me inside that I have to continue to suffer for others. It’s like I am being a martyr or something. I just am so tired of living. So tired of being tired. I can’t remember when I had energy to do stuff. I wanted to clean out my car today so that I could junk it but I had my niece with me so that didn’t happen. We went to the park and I know if I take my sock off I am going to be in pain more than I already am right now. I have been putting off cleaning my car for almost a year now. I just don’t have the energy or motivation to do it. It needs to be done but I just can’t do it. And I feel like a loser because I don’t have any motivation or energy to do this stuff. I am able to. I just need to sit on the back seat with a trash bag and haul all the stuff in the back in a bag but that is too much for me. I need to save my spoons for going to Starbucks to get my one cup of coffee a day, to get dressed and showered. To be able to tolerate standing while waiting for the bus. I think I am going to take a nap now.

what it’s like living with CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I took a shower today and then had breakfast. I am now at Starbucks having Isla Flores today because they were out of my Kati Kati. I am sad they are out. I don’t know if they will have it again and I am cursing myself that I didn’t buy a bag. It would have been awesome to have at home. I think I am going to have two cups today because it just feels like that kind of day. I am hoping I can work on my book today but I just don’t know where to go with it. I feel like it is already reading but it is only about 50 pages. Not even long enough to consider it a book. It’s more like a pamphlet. If I don’t work on my biography I will work on my lyric book. I started it the last time I was here but I kept on getting distracted and couldn’t so much as copy the lyric into the comp notebook.

I have decided that if I am going to write to my therapist, it is going to be in a comp notebook so that I am not wasting paper, per se. I don’t know if she reads my letters. Most times not because she just doesn’t have the time to read it. Granted the letters are no longer interesting. I no longer have clinical insights that made the letters interesting. I just write about my day, like my blog, and a little about what is happening to me emotionally.

Right now I am so tired, I could go back for a nap. I just can’t keep my mind on track. Maybe writing away from home isn’t for me. I know there are days that I can do it but most often than not I can’t. I have to be shut out in my room to think. I think it is because the voices are kind of shut out. I have the annoying voice back. She has been a constant intruder of my thoughts, wanting me to take more pain medication than I should. I don’t like this voice. I never have liked commanding voices. They scare me.

Today I was thinking about how my living with CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome) has changed since going on disability. I no longer have to think about my bodily functions as much or worry about them as much since I am at home doing nothing most of the day. The days of trying to work two jobs to support myself while constantly being in pain and then in the background thinking about if I will have an bladder or bowel accident are over, least for now. I don’t live freely as sometime I do have a bladder accident or a bowel accident from time to time. I would have had one today had my stools been softer, even though I was home. What I thought was gas was really stool trying to come out. I can’t tell the difference anymore since I lost feeling in my rectum almost seven years ago. It something I don’t talk about often because I know most people think that I am normal. Most people who read my blog do have CES. I don’t have the full-blown version of CES, the complete foot drop, leg paralysis, loss of saddle feeling, loss of bowel and bladder function. I have what I term CES-lite. My CES was caught early both times I got it. I have the weakness in my foot, no ankle reflexes in either foot, and some impairment of the bowel and bladder. I won’t discuss the sexual feelings that I lost because it is painful for me to describe and I have had a tough time dealing with that loss.

I really don’t know how I was once able to work two jobs with the level of pain that I was in. Of course the pain was not as prominent during the day as it was at night. When it started happening during the day and interfering with my work, that is when I had to reevaluate my situation. And I unfortunately, picked the wrong move. I should have stayed with my research job because even though I had work restrictions, my research boss would have been accommodating to some degree. And I could apply for SSD and still work part time. Now that I can’t go back because I no longer have a car nor a good driving record, it really sucks.

A Pain night, YAY! NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CES

dermatome

I have been having some weird pain in my left hip the past couple of days. If it was a one time deal, I wouldn’t be worried about it. But every time I sleep on my right side, my left hip goes berserk. It’s like getting zapped with an electric prod of some type. I never have had nerve pain like that so tonight I decided to look up the dermatome map to see what nerve pathway could be causing this. It is the L3 nerve. Just great. It’s the section I had surgery on almost seven years ago. I am really nervous now. But I know the first thing the doc is going to say is lose weight, which I have been trying to. I have been eating cereal rather than making something else to eat, like a fried egg. Course that is the only thing I do know how to make. I can’t make something fancy like poached eggs because I usually end up making it a hard boiled egg. Or egg drop soup. I usually have my mother make it for me if I am in the mood for it.

SO I have this new weird pain that may or may not mean anything. I am not having any weakness but my foot is wicked hurting me for the past few night really bad. This is despite me not doing anything and I don’t know if it is the position I am sitting in that is causing it to feel this way or what. I just know that when I lie down, all hell breaks loose. It’s like sitting up is the only way for my body not to hurt. Trouble is, I CAN’T SLEEP SITTING UP!!

I was going through my legal pad of paper today as there is a lot that I have rolled back and came across my letter to my psychiatrist about ending my life. There was soo much more I wanted to put in it but I think what I wrote is to the point and says what I need it to say. It is a really sad letter. I feel like bringing it to her at my next appointment, but at the same time I don’t think it will be a good idea as she might hospitalize me. I still am thinking about ending my life but a week later, the 23rd of Aug when I turn 37 yrs 8 mths old. It just some how works out in my head that way. I really want to stick around to see if the Red Sox make it to the play offs. I think they will but I am not sure. The bullpen has not been really strong but the new addition of Peavy is fun to watch. He likes to talk to himself on the mound. It’s like watching Dennis Eckersley on the mound. And he is a good pitcher, just like Eck.

I just feel like I have to do something to try and make my life better and killing myself is the only option I have. I don’t want to be anymore. I am so tired of fighting myself all the time. Of fighting to deal with this pain every fricken day. It is so tiring an no one knows except my fellow CES friends and bloggers. I can’t tell my family because they just say go to the doctors. The doctors don’t have any answers for me anymore. And I am scared to death that this new pain policy is going to be the death of me anyways. Might as well kill myself now and get it over with. I am sick of fighting for my pain meds. My one relief I can count on is a couple of pills a day, sometimes more. But lately I don’t feel like I deserve it. I feel like I should be in pain because I am a bad person so I wait until the pain is a 10 before I pop a pill. No one has told me otherwise. No one has cared enough to tell me when I should and shouldn’t take my pain meds except the voices. They know how I should take my meds and when I need it sometimes before I do. They sometimes are helpful but lately they really want me to OD on them in ways that I don’t like. I rather take a bottle of Tylenol than OD on my meds. And besides, it isn’t going to kill me. It might make me sick but that is all. I would need at least a three month supply of meds to kill myself and I don’t have it, nor can I stock up on it because that would mean not taking my meds and I NEED relief more than I need a method of killing myself.

I don’t know if I mean that I will kill myself. I know some day I will do it but I don’t follow through on my taking off or planning dates. The 17th will be here before I know it. But I just found out it is my friend’s birthday so I can’t do it on that day. I don’t think it would be right. It would so be a slap in the face. But that is not the person I am. I hate being in pain tonight. I don’t know how much meds I will take to make myself go to sleep. I still have a bottle of Neurontin I can take but I doubt it will do anything but zone me out.

Angry Rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I had to remove one of my posts the today because it became a hit for spam messages. I got at least 12 or more a day and I don’t know why. The messages were mostly the same but with long ass names like spelling the same name over and over but dropping a letter in the middle. It was really weird. I thought by changing the name (blog post 389) to something more meaningful it would stop but it didn’t. I am so aggravated by this, and frustrated.

I am up because I was talking to a friend and then I heard some noises so now I can’t sleep. I am fearful my mother is going to have another one of her “attacks” so I might as well stay up just in case. I am listening to my favorite country tracks as I am trying to stay up. I really want to take another dose of pain meds but I don’t want to pass out. My ankle is throbbing something fierce.

My friend asked me a question tonight that got me upset and I got off the phone. She asked me what I have been doing during the day and I could tell by the tone in her voice she really didn’t give a shit. I was done talking. I wasn’t going to explain to yet another person how pathetic my life has become by just going to Starbucks, drinking coffee, and blogging. She never read any of my blogs. She is on the computer most of the time and yet doesn’t read my blogs. That is fine but I thought we had a closer connection. It’s ok though. I don’t know why I am so angry but I am. I am so sick of having to justify every hour of my existence to someone and she just touched the wrong nerve tonight. She was surprised I didn’t want to answer the question and so be it. I wasn’t going to answer it. My prerogative. I had to listen, again, to how she is never having another therapist when her therapist retires, that she is not going back to therapy. UGH I know. You already told me fifty million times you are not getting a therapist. I get it. I wish mine would retire and I could start over. But that is not going to happen because no one wants to deal with a suicidal freak like me. I am so tired of everything and the fact of the matter is that I am thinking of taking my life again. I really want to end it this time. I don’t think I can stand another breakthrough bleeding episode or anything of the sort. I am tired all the time of doing nothing. Yet if I try to do something my foot explodes and I am done. I can’t help my mother with the chores of the house anymore because I am so disabled. I hate being this way. So I just want to fucking die. I will do something to take my life in the next two weeks. There is no significance to the date that I am choosing, though I think it will be the week after. I have to do this. I just do.