Tag: suicide

morning after

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I realized this morning after I got a FB message from my South African friend that the midnight demons were in full gear last night. I don’t but do remember sending out basically goodbye messages to friends and writing a blog that was basically a goodbye blog. I don’t know why I got into my split personality but even though I am not feeling that way right now, I still am feeling blue.

I am babysitting my niece today. It has been a long day as I woke up early and still have another 3 hrs before my sister comes home from work. I don’t know what to do with this kid as it is raining outside. I so wanted to go to Starbucks today but that isn’t happening due to the weather. I haven’t been out of the house most of the week. I am going on three days being indoors. I just haven’t felt like getting dressed and stuff to make the excursion to the land of coffee. I have been drinking coffee with my sister’s Keurig but it’s not the same. If I see another bag of my Kati Kati, I am grabbing it!

I deleted my previous post. I felt I had to because it was too depressing and gloomy. I still don’t know why I become that suicidal and depressed. I know part of it has to do with my menses. I wasn’t this way when the menses were stopped. Even my psychiatrist notices a change in my behavior and manner when I bleed. So it is something obvious that I am not seeing. I just know that I get really emotional and cry at the slightest thing, get irate at the little inconvenience, and just downright suicidal. It’s like I am being possessed by a demon and it hurts very bad inside. My chest feels like there is an indescribable weight on it and I just am in a lot of psychological pain that is worse than any physical pain that I have ever experienced before.

distressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, suicide, suicide attempt

I know I have been writing more and more about my transgender issues and more of my identity crisis that I am. I am deeply distressed right now and don’t know what else to do but write. I started working on a blog for my 400th blog but the meds are interfering with my thought process. I took 2400 mg of neurontin to calm down the horrible burning pains in my foot that I have been experiencing all day. I just can’t take it anymore. I took some of my pain meds with the neurontin and I am kind of feeling kind of out of it but I still haven’t passed out yet. I think I will in a few minutes as I can barely hold my head up anymore as I am fighting the fatigue. I am just so damn upset over the stupid menses. I know that even if I get to my doc there is nothing really she could do. I will still have to wait at least three weeks to see if the next treatment works, that is if I stop bleeding. I would be ok if I would just stop bleeding. It so distresses me and usually I am able to handle it but now this is going on for almost three weeks and I am losing my handle on the rope that is holding me together. I think tomorrow if my flow is still the same I will stop the patch and see what happens. I don’t know what else to go. i will go a few days of not wearing the stupid fucker and see if that helps.

I am deeply suicidal and yet deeply concerned about someone who just wrote to me that she is planning her final affairs. There is nothing I can do to stop this lady, she has her mind set on killing herself. I don’t blame her. I really don’t. There is only so much pain you can take before you finally snap and have to do something to get rid of it. I have been where she is right now. She doesn’t have a good support system and I think she is mad at me in some way that I have abandoned her. I feel bad that I have not called her like I have said before but I just don’t feel like talking. I guess I am afraid of calling a stranger and letting her in my life. I am scared. I once got close to a member of the support group and then she just stopped contact. No more emails, no more phone calls, no messages returned. Nothing. I later found out through her husband that she just got tired of her condition that she became constricted and didn’t want to reach out anymore. It was too painful for her. I lost my friend to this horrible condition because she has the active form due to another dreaded condition that is worse than the other. I would name them but they are conditions that no one really understands. I might as well as be talking about the moon and the stars and how far away they are. I think they name them these big ass names so that no one can understand and push us further apart from the human race.

So Ms. M, if you are reading this, I am sorry that I failed you. I wish there was a way that I could stop you from doing what you are planning but I guess there is no way to stop you. Just like no one can stop me in my planning. I hope that we both succeed. I know that dealing with constant, excruciating pain and loss of bodily functions really suck. I know this first hand. I can’t stand it that someone so sweet could hurt so much and no one notice. It is not fair. But I understand. I really do.

tired of living

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

I am feeling blah today. I just finished taking a shower and though I feel refreshed, I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I have some time to get my coffee before my therapy appointment in a couple of hours but I just don’t feel like being rushed. Every time I do, I forget something, and usually the essentials, such as the keys to my house!

I responded to an email for my CESSG (Cauda Equina Syndrome Support Group) about physical therapy. I hope that the person doesn’t see a chiropractor. That is how all of my problems started. I think that if I was given adequate pain medication in the beginning of my back pain, I would not have gone to see a chiropractor or if I had stopped once the pain did I would not have ended up with CES. All the ifs that go through my mind, looking back.

I am especially feeling out of sorts today because I still have my fricken, goddamned menses. Just when I thought I was getting over it, it comes back in full force. I seriously am suicidal more so now than I was before. I just can’t take being a woman anymore. I have tried to stop the cycle and I am failing horribly. I am so sad. I hate being in this body. I never am going to be a man. And though I should be possibly reaching out for help, I just can’t. I just can’t bear talking about it with someone because I know I will just start bawling like a baby. Just writing about it is bringing tears to my eyes. It just is a deep emotional reaction. And even though I know there are other FTMs out there, I still feel alone. I just can’t cope with this anymore. I doubt that anyone really knows the frustration of dealing with this. I am trying to cope with it but how do you cope with something you know is WRONG?? I know I should probably go back to my reproductive endocrine doc and be like this isn’t working but why bother? She has been trying to stop this beast and has been unable to do so this past year. My confidence in her is down to nothing. I know I probably should go to the experts and see what they know but this Doc is the tops in her field. I don’t understand how hard it is to stop a fucking period. It just doesn’t make sense to me. And with every mense that I get, the closer I get to killing myself. I am done with it. I just want to die. I am in too much pain anyways. My foot was acting up soon as I woke up this morning. It’s sort of fine now as I took my pain meds.

I just am tired of living. Tired of trying to make sense of all this. I really don’t know what to do about my menses anymore. I wish it was easy to get through this but it’s not. Every time I wipe myself and there is blood I freak out. I just don’t understand why I am still bleeding. It’s been two weeks already. This is my third week. I was hoping it was getting less toward the end of the week but I was wrong. I really hate being like this. I hate feeling like a freak. And nobody understands that I am going to end my life because of it. I wish I knew what I was feeling but all I feel is hurt. I feel pain. I feel hate. Hate that I am not who my brain thinks I am. And I get weaker. I get more tired with each passing day. It just takes so much energy to deal with this. To wear underwear now that are made for females is just killing me inside. I might be called a masculine name but I am far from being it.

stigma of suicide and ice cream

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, suicide attempt

Last night I wrote a blog about being a loser. I don’t know if I am or not. I know most people would not consider me a loser but the reason I feel that way is because I am struggling with mental illness on top of being in chronic pain. I can’t stand either condition. I fight with myself constantly with suicidal thoughts. I am so jaded to suicidal thoughts that I seriously wonder why people get so out of whack when I bring the subject up. People honestly don’t want me to kill myself and I wonder why? People I don’t even know, like the people I meet on the internet, all think I should continue to live and I honestly wonder why? Or that I shouldn’t have these thoughts. Well, sorry, I do. I think about killing myself 85% of the time. I think about acting on it not so much, though I have come close a couple of times.

I think the stigma around suicide needs to change. People need to be able to think about suicide like they do vanilla ice cream. They either like it or hate it but regardless, vanilla ice cream is still going to be around. As long as there are conscious people, there is going to be suicide. It might be thought about like people like me, that are in chronic pain and suffering from depression. It might just be that the person is suffering from depression and they just feel like they cannot go on. They might have voices telling them they should not be around or just disappear. Or maybe the voices just tell them to kill themselves because they will be better off. But I do know this…people should be open to suicide like they are to ice cream. They should hear the person that is bringing up thoughts of death and thoughts of killing themselves or harming themselves. The stigma needs to stop. The hurting needs to stop and I don’t know if this blog will make sense and reach the people it needs to but as long as I am here and not in the grave, I hope that people will read this and know they are not alone. The feeling of being able to talk about this openly needs to happen. Too many people feel they are crazy and they don’t need to be. Too many people seek help and are turned away because they have suicidal thoughts need to be helped. They just need an understanding ear and an open mind.

So the next time someone is thinking about death or thinking about killing themselves, I hope that you hear their story as to why this is so. Because hearing their story is going to be the deciding factor on whether that person lives or dies.