Tag: suicide

interview meeting with 1st yrs

by Midnight Demon, posted in CES, depression, psychache, suicide, transgender

Started reading a book about sibling suicide survivor. I was apprehensive about reading it because I have siblings that would probably go through the same things if I should die and I didn’t want to know what they would go through. My pain is bad enough but knowing I would cause my sisters pain would be impossible for me to take. I guess that is one of the many reasons I am still here.

I had an interview meeting with some med students today and I don’t know why but I told them I was transgendered and told them what it was like being. The doctor was good about it and I had Dr. P behind me in case I got into trouble. Right now I am feeling like the biggest asshole on the planet because I shared my biggest fear and the main reason why I feel suicidal. I sent a text to my therapist because I just feel so awful and I don’t know what to do about it. She hasn’t called me back yet so I decided to blog.

A lot of feelings came up but it also felt like a relief because I rarely discuss this outside the confines of my relationship with dr. p and bozo. I started to get a little lightheaded and dizzy at the release of my personal feelings about this. I don’t know how it happened but I think I am getting more and more comfortable talking about being transgendered and what it is like to be this way. I hope that the students will benefit from this. I tried to emphasize the alliance between doctors that helps so much in the heath care process because without it, you are not really going to have a good relationship or report with your patients.

I’m still trying to process what happened and how I feel about it but I am soooo fatigued. I just can’t think about today without it exhausting me. I don’t know if what I said was a good thing or a bad thing. I was trying to be honest about what my experiences were and how I got CES x 2 and everything but somehow the transgendered thing took over the conversation. I know it is because it is such a hot topic. More transgendered tend to be more suicidal and probably end up killing themselves more than we think.  I know those that get help become free but I also wonder if it still a constant struggle to be accepted as the gender we say we are once we make the transition. My therapist used the assimilation word on me last week and I am wondering if that is ever going to be possible for me or will I die before that happens. I’d like to think that I can lead this life without going through the “change” but I want facial hair and a mastectomy so bad. I loathe myself for having a chest. It is not what I want. I remember when they were forming I was pissed because it was not who I thought I was. It still is a painful reminder of what I am not.

So “Michael” entered the room to give his little speech about what it was like to be transgender. I didn’t want to use my real name because I hate it so much. I think with Michael I can really relate because I always thought of myself as a “Mike”, more so than Alex. Hell for this blog I am Michael Crusher and I don’t think that is going to change. I think Michael will be making more appearances on the blog, as it is easier sometimes to write under his name than my own.

a little of this, a little of that

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, medical, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt

To write or not to write, that is the question. Been trying the past few days to write something, anything and I came up with nothing. I had jotted down one of my statuses as a starter to write but it too has not gone anywhere. Right now as I am writing this I am becoming exhausted. I was hoping my therapist would call me tonight but it doesn’t look promising.

Been thinking the past few days about needs. Everyone has some need that is not being fulfilled at any given time. Shneidman, the father of suicidology thought there were 20 needs that lead to suicide. I talk about him a lot in my writing so people know this sweet man that called me out of the blue one day. I was actually shaken up by his phone call. To me, he was as famous as Richard Gere. I was so honored that I didn’t know what to say to him when I called. Time was of the essence because his health was frail and if he died before I called him, I would never had the courage to talk with him for a half hour that truly was the highlight of my life. Now if Dr. Jobes ever calls me, I will have a heart attack. He is another person I deeply respect because he writes about suicide and what it is like and not only this but developed an assessment that can be used to help save someone’s life. I will write about his works until my dying day because he has the knowhow of what it is to be suicidal. I am not saying that he is or ever has been suicidal, but he has lead the way in the collaboration of so many professionals for one goal, to end suicide. Granted not all suicidal people can be saved, but he is willing to try, which is more than what I can say for some of the top professionals in Boston. I had my doubts ever since I tried getting a new therapist and failed, ten times!! No one would take me on and then the one, the last one that did was afraid of me. I couldn’t be in that therapy if someone is afraid of me because I am high risk. Sure, statistically I should be dead. But by the grace of some higher power, I am not.

That brings me back to the needs. I have been thinking about what my needs are that are not being met that drive me suicidal. I know that I am not loved, I have a need to feel important because I think I am nothing, I have a drive to succeed but yet I know I will fail. That truly is my biggest thing. I failed at killing myself and feel terrible at that loss. It is a loss that I have yet to get over. I still truly believe that I am meant to die by my own hand though there still is a drive to keep me going. I was asked recently on what it is that keeps me here. To tell the truth I have no idea. Some part of it is faith and hope, others is a pesky therapist that will “die” if I die. The aftermath of a suicide is not pretty. I sometimes wish I could be a part of Jobes world for a little bit and see what he sees in a hopeless case like me. What he would say or do to try and ease my suffering and then I look at my therapist who is doing all she can to keep me sane and alive. There is nothing more that she can do that what she is doing. Suicidal thinking has become a part of me that I can’t let go. I read about it every day to try and ease my pain, I work with my therapist who is a pain in the ass sometimes and she is open to my ideas of what treatment is and does not have the “I know it all you know nothing” attitude. If she did, I doubt that I would have stayed with her for this long.

The twenty needs are abatement, achievement, affiliation, aggression, autonomy, counteraction, defendence, deference, dominance, exhibition, harm avoidance, inviolacy, nurturance, order, play, rejection, sentience, shame avoidance, succorance, and understanding. If I was to fill out the model of the needs, my highest would be affiliation, achievement, succorance, nurturance, and understanding. As I have written in a previous paper (https://midnightdemons7.wordpress.com/2012/09/03/is-suicide-caused-by-psychological-pain/),  the twenty needs are weighted on the sum of 100, though Dr. Shneidman does not say what the scale is for each of the 20, and as much as I have tried to ascertain this information through his research, I have not been able to find it. Everyone has these needs in some way shape or form. And when they become blocked or frustrated, suicidal thinking occurs. I know my need for affiliation is great at times that sometimes I get frustrated. I don’t necessarily become suicidal all the time because I have not been friends with someone but I’ll admit that it is lonely when you don’t have too many friends that call you anymore or that just keep in touch via email. I am a loner by nature but that doesn’t mean that I am friendless.  My online contacts mean more to me than my non-online friends. My family does not know too much about what I write, if they read my blogs at all. But this is my livelihood, writing about suicide because it means so much to me. It is the biggest demon I have had to face in my life and sometimes it gets the better part of me.

This past April I went to the annual conference of the American Association of Suicidology and found out some things I already knew. I met my favorite suicidologist and his trainees again. One of his trainees has become a good friend of mine. I also found out that I am a hopeless case that no one in their right mind would want. I am high risk, psychotic and delusional at times, and have multiple suicide attempts. I asked one of the guys from Mayo about this “case” I was working on and he wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole. Thanks dude, you really shown me how much hope I have for my future. It was an exhausting trip. Next one is in Texas and I am not sure if I am going to go. I have never been that far out west. I really don’t know anyone close by. I would have to stay at a hotel for the few days. But it might be fun to meet up with my co-author and discuss my book that she wants me to write. She is the biggest proponent in my writing right now. She had me publish my blog and it has done well so far. Since I started it in July, I have had almost a thousand views. I hope that I am able to meet up with her in Texas but I don’t think I will have the financial resources to pull it off.

I got notification this week that I am found to be disabled. My social security disability has gone through. I now can collect a check every month while I write and not have to worry about how I am going to pay for my Starbucks coffee habit. Starbucks is truly what keeps  me going some days. It is a chance for me to go out of the house, even if it exhausts me. To have that one cup of joy a day is usually all I can get out of my day. Instead of my mocha, lately I have been enjoying the Blue Java of Indonesia. It has a full bodied flavor that I like. I have tried the Panama but wasn’t too thrilled with it. It was a little too earthly flavored. I am going to try the blue mountain as it seems like I will like it. But none of this would be possible if I was not deemed disabled due to my mental illness. Since I found out I have been more depressed. I find it more exhausting to do tasks. Even my writing as dwindled to what it was. I try journaling to keep the ideas going and sometimes I will write something I think worthy of a blog but mostly I keep my personal thoughts personal. There was a time when I used to share my journal with my therapist as a sort of therapeutic processing, but seeing as I don’t see her physically anymore, I might end up sending her an email about my thoughts on certain things. Like my suicide attempt paper I wrote that was extremely difficult for me to write. It stirred up a lot of emotions, some of which I had no idea I was still carrying around.

The reasons I am still around are many but sometimes that is not so obvious in a crisis. It truly is up to the individual to make the choice and no one can take it away. But if they let a professional know they are hurting and thinking of taking their life, they might be able to get the help they need. I just hope that with that help the person finds someone who is understanding and asks, “where do you hurt”?  Because otherwise it is going to be a long road for that person to find the help they need. Not all professionals are alike. They have different disciplines and treatment plans. But if they are able to find a therapist who is willing to take them as they are, that therapist is worth their weight in gold.

In the thick of the Abyss

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt

I don’t know why but the past few days have my mood going down and down instead of in the opposite direction despite the changes in my circumstance. I now know how Poe felt when he wrote I am wretched and know not why. “My feelings at this moment are pitiable indeed.  I am suffering under a depression of spirits much as I have never felt before.  I have struggled in vain against the influence of this melancholy-you will believe me when I say that am still miserable in spite of the great improvements in my circumstances.  I say you will believe me, and for this simple reason, that a man who is writing for effect does not write thus.  My heart is open before you if it be worth reading. Read it.  I am wretched and know not why.  Console me-for you can. But let it be quickly or it will be too late.  Write me immediately. Convince me that it is worth one’s while -that it is all necessary to live, and you will indeed prove yourself my friend.  Persuade me to do what is right. I do not mean this- I do not mean that you should consider what I now write a jest-oh pity me! For I feel that my words are incoherent- but I will recover myself.  You will not fail to see that I am suffering under a depression of spirits which will [not fail to] ruin me should it be long continued.” edgar allan poe

 I truly think that I am a bad person who just deserves evil things to come at me not good. I can’t understand why though. People say that I write good but I think it’s crap. I am supposed to have this editorial position but yet I don’t think I should have it despite the person who wants me to have this job thinks I should. I know she is a better judge of character. I just can’t see anything but darkness right now and for someone to tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, well let’s just hope they don’t because I know I will dope slap them. There is no light as far as I can see. Today is a dreary day and it should make me happy but instead it just eases my gloom because it’s how I feel. I started feeling down Sunday and it’s now Tuesday. I don’t see my mood changing. What is worse is that I had an impulse to put a rope around my neck this afternoon soon as I got home from forcing myself out. It quickly went away but the thought unsettled me. I guess it doesn’t help that I can do this at anytime, anywhere I choose. It won’t take much to do. I just need the guts to do it. I am going down this road and it is horribly painful. I had another incontinent episode today so that further brought me down. You would think I would be used to pissing my pants but I am not. Yesterday I got awarded being disabled and I can’t help but think that I am been demoralized because of it. I no longer feel like I have a right to anything, much less life. It is the price you pay with a damaged nerve and damaged mind. I can’t go back and change things but I can at least appreciate things more. I just hope I am fit enough for the task ahead with this writing that I am doing but I am not so sure.

Writing has always been something that I do to pass time and it has worked well. When I am not writing, I am deeper in the abyss. There have been studies on it but I can’t think of who the guys are right now. Not that it really matter to you, my reader. I have wondered always if I am too smart for my own good. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. I don’t know anymore. I just know my heart is broken and I don’t know what caused it to be this way. I am just so damn downhearted and it is just getting worse.

A Drunken Ramble about fear of suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in mental disorders, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt

Most people have fears of death, but for those that are suicidal, they tend to want death because they believe death is the only way out. I emphasize the word only because according to the father of suicidology, Edwin Shneidman, “it is a very dangerous word in the world of the suicidal mind”. These people generally will only think of fear due to what Marsha Linehan calls fear of suicide, which is the belief that failure, cowardice, or fear of death that prevents someone from committing suicide.

Aside from these reasons for attempters to try, there is the fear of loved ones and friends of losing someone by death that has not been talked about. Mental illness in some form will affect someone you know more than you think. Even the most upbeat person can suffer from depression but no on knows this because they keep it hidden.

Most people shy away from suicide talk. They don’t want to hear it or will make stupid comments such as “people who commit suicide are selfish”, that “it’s wrong to take one’s life because only God can do that”. Despite these statements, hundreds of people attempt suicide every day. Suicide is the 3rd top killer of Americans more than heart attacks and cancer combined. How can people take their life is a puzzling question. It’s very difficult to kill the human body due to the fight/flight response. I know because on many occasions where I tried, my fight/flight kicked in and I made a call for help, much to my chagrin.  Prevention starts with seeking help but very few people in desperation will call for help before an attempt. They may call for help after or if they survive and don’t want to go through the survivor bullshit (the stomach pumping, hospitalization, stitching of wounds, etc).
Even therapists are fearful of suicide attempters or of the suicide talk. Most clinicians will actually pawn the client off to another therapist “more qualified” or outright refuse to see them. I have had this happen to me ten times while trying to find another therapist within a five mile radius of my house. 10 therapists!!!! TEN professionals refused to treat me because of my history of suicide attempts and current suicidal thinking. I could understand that they did not want to take me on as a multi-risk client and would have liked them to make at least one session with me before I lived up to their presumptions of me. But instead they decided to chuck me off to another therapist who referred me to another therapist who, well you get the picture. So for my therapy at the present time, I have to have phone therapy with someone who is thirty miles away from me because I do not have a car. She took a chance on me and we have been together for eleven years now. She stuck through the depths of my suicidal plans for the past eight years, my nerve condition, and my overall mental illness, which can at times include psychosis and delusions. I don’t know why she puts up with me but she does. Same could be said of her because she is the only therapist I ever had that talks more than I do. I have called her on it so many times that I lost count. Nothing like the analytical consultant I saw. He was strictly Freudian.