Tag: suicide

Depression and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had a rough day. All I want to do is sleep. I managed to make some breakfast and eat a couple of cupcakes for lunch. I really just want to sleep today but I had to pick up my prescription before it got “recycled” at the pharmacy. They give you three days to pick up the meds. Any longer than that, it gets reshuffled into the stock pile. Today was day number three so I had to get it.

My sister texted me to pick up my niece tomorrow evening. I hope this sleepiness is gone by then. I need the energy to walk to the school and back. I hope it’s cool like today.

I texted my therapist to see if there was an opening and doesn’t appear to be. So I am stuck with talking with her tomorrow. I haven’t decided if I am going to keep Wed’s session or not. I am guessing it all depends on when my cake pops will be ready to be picked up. I am getting them as a thank you to my psych.

I feel really tired. My thoughts are slow. I can’t seem to focus on anything. My appetite is off. I think I am depressed. I really want to read Harry Potter but I can’t concentrate. I am not even close to being half way finished. I hate being in the middle of a book. But things have been so crazy the past two weeks. I am still in awe that I got published in the New York Times. My mother still hasn’t said anything about it. But my sisters have. They are so happy for me. My younger sister bought me champagne the other night. We still haven’t celebrated because I have been in this funk. There has been a bright side. I have sold nine books so far, five from Kindle and four paperbacks. I haven’t gotten any reviews yet. We’ll have to wait for that.

Oh dear god, they are starting a “say no to suicide” campaign. Like that is really going to work. I know it worked for drugs, but suicide is a different thing. It’s deeply personal. Because saying no, always worked for me. NOT! I don’t know who comes up with these things. It’s horrible. And they are doing this to stop stigma. Well you just added stigma to your stupid campaign. How are people going to talk about it if you just “say no”? It really bothers me. Most people in the prevention campaign have been open to talking about suicide, not shutting it down and certainly by not saying “no”. To me, if someone is seeking help and all they hear is the word no, then it further breaks down the lines of communication and there might be a suicide.

I’ve been in a lot of pain today for some reason. My big toe starting zapping early this morning and it is still sore. The lump I have on my good ankle is sore. I just took an NSAID and a pain pill to calm things down. I think the weather change has brought about this pain. My bad ankle is also throbbing, but then, it always is. I have been lucky the past week my pain has been minimal. But now it’s starting to ramp up again. Like I said earlier, other than going to Walgreens, I mostly have been in bed all day. I haven’t even been up and down the stairs that much. Hope it settles down because I have things to do this week and I need to be able to walk.

World Suicide Prevention Day 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

World Suicide Prevention Day 2015

As many of you that read my blog every day know that I struggle with suicidality constantly when I am in the darkness of my depression. I know writing has been a source of comfort and coping in dealing with these strong feelings. I have not shared suicide numbers before because I don’t think they belong on my blog. But for those that are reading this, it may help someone to talk to or text to in a crisis situation. So please, take down these numbers. Put them in a place that is safe to you, a journal, a notebook, your contact list on your phone, anywhere you might think might be helpful in an emergency and call the number.

The first number is for US only residents 1-800-273-8255. Text support to 741741 again US residents only. It MAY take some time to get to through. I know when I texted the first time, there was a 40 minute wait. I know that might seem like an eternity to someone in crisis but please hang in there and someone will get to you. If the numbers don’t work (I am human after all), please leave a comment and I will fix it. It maybe be that it no longer is in service anymore (text number). There are other resources, if you are interested. Just do a google search to find them. Wikipedia might have some too. If I find some on Twitter, I will retweet them to my page. So far they haven’t sent any numbers or website to actually help those in need just to know the warning signs, which to me, is not too helpful for those with chronic suicidality.

Love, Hate, and Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Love Hate and Suicide

Above is the link for my article. It has been a rough twenty-four hours. I have not slept very well because of the weird dreams I have been having over the stress of this publication. For the most part, my article was well received. There were a few dissenters that questioned my therapist’s methods and therapy with me, but they were dispelled by other commenters, which made me feel a little better. I had gotten so upset about the readers “attacking” my treaters, I felt like I made a huge mistake. My psychiatrist was impressed I made such an impression, which made me feel better. Also talking with my therapist after nearly 5 days was such comfort. I thought I was offending her and I wasn’t doing any of the sort. She laughed at some of the comments I was telling her and told me it didn’t matter. Everyone was entitled to their opinion. What really matters is what happens between us not the rest of the world, or something like that. Because I was so sleep deprived and a nervous wreck, I cried today while talking with her. I just got so overwhelmed with the comments. Some of them had them questioning whether my therapist was “real”, meaning did she have the proper credentials and training to be a therapist. It was just so hurtful, to me anyways. So I cried, got upset, and then laughed about it. Before my psychiatrist wrote back, I seriously thought about ending my life. But the feelings passed. Now I just hope I can get a good night’s sleep and I should be able to face the day tomorrow.

I had to go out today. I stayed in all weekend and was starting to feel cooped up. I went to Walgreens to try and get some Pringles and my prescription. I also gave the article to one of the pharm techs I told I write. She was flabbergasted. They didn’t have the Pringles but they did have my prescription ready. When I came home I showered and waited for the time for my therapist.

After therapy, I checked some more comments, my blog stats (which are blooming), and messages on FB. I then got dressed and waited for the bus. I didn’t have to wait as my cousin drove by and gave me a ride to the Square. I was hungry so had a celebratory burrito. Actually, I got a salad with all the burrito fillings. It was just as good but without the flour tortilla. I went to my Starbucks and got a pumpkin spice latte and a scone. I was stuffed at this point. My mother called while I was having my latte wanted to know if I would be home for supper. I said I would be home but I don’t think I would be eating. I was too tired to write so just decided to catch the next bus home, which meant catching the bus with the mentally disabled guy. He was not too bad today, though he did ask some young kids for money. I ignored him, though I couldn’t wait to get off the bus. He just makes me uncomfortable because he has a quick temper. Something doesn’t go his way and he flies off the handle. I am glad the bus wasn’t too crowded today.

Counting Down the Hours

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Counting down the hours

Today is another wicked humid, hot day. Sox are winning at the moment. They just took the lead. I just hope Porcello and the bullpen can keep the lead against the hot Jays. I have decided not to listen or watch the game today. I didn’t sleep very well, again. I just woke up from a nap that had another disturbing dream in it. I had woken from a nightmare earlier so my day has not gone well.

I have been counting down the hours till my article gets published. As the hour slowly approaches, I am again filled with anxiety about it. I have emailed a good friend of mine about this and the nightmare that I had. She is understanding that I have these fears. It’s not so much about the world that I am afraid of, but my family’s reaction to what I wrote. I activated my the blog again so I could show my cousin what I wrote so she could judge if they will react poorly or not. She said it was fine. She is really supportive of my work and a good friend. We didn’t know each other growing up due to my father and her grandmother having a fight when I was little. She was also away to college and I didn’t really know about her till we got invited to her graduation party. She is really pretty and smart, but then, all my cousins are. I trust her judgement and I hope she isn’t wrong. Last thing I want is her mother interfering in my life. It’s bad enough she is on Facebook. She is not a woman to be messed with, and I will just leave it at that.

I wanted to go to Walgreens today to pick up my prescription but when I brought out my recycles, the heat overwhelmed me. Tomorrow is supposed to be a tad cooler so I might go then, in the morning before it gets hot. I should be up anyway with the dealings of my article being published. If my hip doesn’t hurt, I plan on going to Kelly’s to get a proper roast beef sandwich and onion rings to celebrate. I have been getting a roast beef at another place but it’s just not the same.

The plan for tonight is to watch the OSU game (they didn’t play Saturday like I thought they did) and then stay up until 0400 or so. My publication is supposed to be online at 0330. If I do happen to fall asleep before 0300, I set my alarm just in case. I also plan on taking another nap between 1700-1900 so I am rested for the game. Right now, I am not caring much about the game. I just want to sleep, or maybe have something to eat and then sleep. The last 24 hours have been stressful and the next 12 are going to be more so. I have been trying not to think of the consequences of my writing but I can’t. I know it’s good writing and the Times doesn’t accept garbage. I have to keep telling myself this or I just go into a downward spiral of self-doubt. Talking with my cousin helped and so did emailing my friend. Having that dream didn’t help. I dreamt that the article was co-authored and then that person wanted to see me. She sent me a bunch of redundant paperwork I had to fill out and she spelled the word suicide wrong on it. It was a terrible dream.