Tag: suicide

psychosis and songs

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychache, psychosis

I was chatting with a fellow blogger tonight about various things and one of the topics that came up was measures to fix the mental health system. 1) there needs to be more funding to keep existing programs open. 2) needs to be a better crisis response across all state hospitals or city hospitals so that people do not resort to suicide because they got left behind. People have the notion that inpatient hospitalizations are a cure all for all types of psychiatric ailments but what they don’t realize is that treatment hardly exists behind closed doors. Sure medication is dispensed but what is needed is therapy on the floors more than what the nursing staff can provide.

I have been struggling the past few days with psychosis and am wondering if I should be in the hospital. I was able to get a hold of my psychiatrist and she allowed me to take my old go to antipsychotic med that I like when nothing else seems to work. I just took it and I hope that it stops this song that is playing like a broken record in my head. The song is sirens by Pearl Jam. It is striking a chord with me a little too well and is “talking” to me, telling me that I should die. I don’t understand why this is happening, though it seems to be the course after every dissociative episode I face. I become purely psychotic after losing time.

I still am under black clouds. Listening to music is helping. I just wish the feeling like nothing would stop. And I still have the heaviness in my chest. The psychache is in full gear. I guess that is why the song is telling me to kill myself.

songs and their meaning to me

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I had my sister’s car today and lucky for me, Taylor Swift’s Fearless CD was the first disc in her CD player. I listened to “Love Story” at least five times while riding around town. It got me thinking about my therapist for some reason, all the struggles we have been through over the years and now we have a “love” that only we know about. The lyrics really struck a chord with every verse. No matter how many times I have listened to this song, I never get tired of listening to it. I can hear it all day and love it just as much as when I listened to it the first time.

Then when I came home, I decided to listen to my Taylor playlist. First song was “Enchanted”. It always reminds me of the time I had my first poster session at the American Association of Suicidology 41st annual conference. It was when David Jobes read my poster and I was flipping out, though I tried not to let him see me freak out. I was just so honor and star struck that he was reading my work, Ten Faces. Funny how songs can stir up these memories.

I did a little editing today but didn’t make it to twenty pages. I only did seventeen. I did it while I was at my favorite Starbucks drinking a new coffee, Jamaica Blue Mountain. It was very good but I couldn’t finish it all. I was too full. Now I am home and think I want to take a nap before I have to pick up my brother in law at the train station. I woke up at seven this morning. It’s going to be a long day because the Sox are on tonight. The game doesn’t really matter (to the Sox) but do matter with the O’s. I feel bad that Manny Machado go hurt and will miss the postseason. There are just three more games in the regular season for the Sox. I don’t know when the first playoff game is yet. I have to look into it. But then I don’t know who they are playing. I don’t know if they will play the wild card or what. I hope Texas wins the wild card. I just hate playing the Rays.

I still am feeling hopeless. I can’t wait to see my psychiatrist next week to give her an update and see if she has any suggestions. Maybe a new antidepressant is out there that might help me, though I doubt it. But she might have something that might help lessen the dissociative episodes. I guess I don’t have to be on Neurontin to get into them. My therapist keeps telling me that since she has known me, I have been dissociative in nature. I don’t have a true dissociative identity disorder (DID), but I do have DID, NOS (not otherwise specified). I don’t think this stuff made it to my book. I just talked about my suicidality, but seeing as most of these blogs have been really good, I might include them as a chapter. It would be interesting, I think.

moment in time

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

I had an appointment with my father today. It went well though we were waiting a very long time to be seen. I hate it when docs run late. Just want to walk out.

I was able to get an appointment with my therapist today. I have mixed feelings about it. But seeing as last night things kind of got crazy, I think it is for the best. I don’t know where this depression is going. I know I have been writing more about it lately and that is helping me but it also is worrying me that I might end up back in the hospital.

Since I am working with my old laptop, I have decided that I not going to work on my manuscript until the newer laptop is fixed. I don’t have the brain power to work on it anyways. I thought I would be able to do a little bit today but I just can’t. Things are just not making sense to me. And the notes that I wrote up on the previous copy I had, I can’t read my fricken notes. It is in my handwriting, but it’s so scribbled that I can’t read it. MAN, I hate that.

Last night in the morning hours I apparently dissociated when I wrote “Tell Tale Heart”. I am not sure what happened. Last thing I remember is writing the title and everything after that is lost. I think I went to bed afterwards because I remember my mother waking me up because she went downstairs around 0330. I emailed my pdoc about it. Have not heard from her nor do I expect to. She can’t really do anything for me. I talked to my therapist about it because I totally had no recollection of writing this blog. Not even reading it over do I remember it. It is dark and something Mr. Hyde would write, my alter. I am kind of upset by this. I am going to bed early tonight. There is no baseball game that I really want to see as the Sox are off. I am feeling strangely disconnected. Maybe it is because I am tired. I don’t know. I am not in a lot of pain today even though I ran around taking my father to his doctor’s appointment. The coffee I drank did nothing to really wake me up. All noises annoyed me. I just wanted to be back home and in bed. Maybe tomorrow I will just hang out in bed and sleep all day as I have decided to put the manuscript off, for now.

My therapist thinks I am also dissociating with my pain as I am not really feeling it. But I think it is more compartmentalizing than actual dissociation. I don’t lose time like I do when I dissociate. I just put the pain off on the back burners. I have an extremely high pain tolerance so it takes me a while to get in touch with my pain. But if it is being a brat, then I am in trouble and can’t put it in a box so to speak. But me writing that blog…that was pure madness. I was seriously suicidal. It is a good thing I don’t act on it. I had to check my pill counts to make sure I didn’t take more than I thought I did, and I didn’t. I have no new cuts on me or other evidence of self-harm. I just have this blog that got written while I was sleep deprived and no memory of having written it. My therapist liked it. It described accurately how I was feeling at that moment in time. I am just sorry that I worried a friend.

Tell tale heart

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Feeling like I can’t sleep and hearing noises in my room. I know its just papers being rustled by the ceiling fan. I don’t know why I am still awake. I should have passef out hours ago. I just have this emptiness that won’t go away and gets worse when I lie down. Plus being in pain isn’t helping. I just took my 3rd pill of the night plus an extra ativan. I should be happy my baseball team won tonight but all I feel is darkness. I feel like the character in the tell tale heart from Edgar Allan Poe. There is this pounding in my chest and I fear it will wake up the household. But it is only me that hears it. Maybe it is guilt that I have not done anything to end my life. I just want to die. I can’t stop thinking about it. Today I had a new idea but am afraid of the consequences of being found by my nieces so it stops me.

I asked my therapist for another session today. I don’t know if it will be feasible. If not I asked for a check in. I really feel suicidal but I don’t want to talk about it. I never do. I can write about it, no problem. But to speak the words some how changes me because I realize either I am rational or irrational. Things make sense when I am suicidal. It makes me feel better knowing I have the one outlet no one can take away from me. But slowly, people have. They make me think of the survivors. As much as I am in pain, I don’t want to be the cause the pain of others. I don’t want to live yet there are voices that want me to die. I don’t like these voices and meds can’t get rid of them. They are the beatings of the tell tale heart. These are the true feelings I have. That is why my chest is so heavy. It is carrying the mother load of bad voices that are right. All I have to do is listen to them and know they are guiding me to freedom. But why can’t I follow them. The safety voices prevent this from happening. It is a struggle every night. I just want the psychache to stop. And the only way for it to stop is by killing myself.