Tag: suicide

I am just tired. Plain and simple.

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

I have done a lot today. I started the editing process of my book and shouldn’t have added some pieces but then I took away some things, so things evened out a little bit. The page numbers do not correspond to anything right now so I have to go through page by page which is a hassle. The title chapters are becoming clearer so I am happy about that. If I stay on course, I should be ok with a Nov 16th publishing date so stay tuned!!

After the editing, I decided to watch the football game. At half time we were leading 21-13. Or maybe it was 21-17. I don’t know. I was kind of sleepy and not interested in watching the game but felt I had to. I had some French fries for my lunch/dinner and then retired to my room where it is fricken cold. I am waiting for my brother in law to come take the AC out of the window. I just texted him to let him know that I want it done today. I am so proud that he has learned to text. When he got his new phone, he had no clue and thought it was a game. I guess they text him a lot at work and he got a little aggravated one day, saying to my sister that this game just won’t stop. She laughed and said that is the text messaging. He can be a little old fashioned but I love him. He really is a good guy.

It has been good that I am home. I didn’t do too much yesterday as I was so sleepy. I said I was going to sleep for a half hour before the game and the next thing I knew we won and the game was over thanks to Victorino’s grand slam! I can’t believe I missed the game!! I am so mad at myself.

I think I kind of got my therapist worried a little bit. She asked if I was suicidal and instead of giving her an answer, I said that I don’t care, which is true. I don’t care if I am suicidal or not anymore. It’s not like I am going to act on it so who cares! If I was going to act on it, I think it would be more dangerous. So I just don’t care if I feel suicidal anymore. It’s not like they lock you away in the hospital anymore for days on end. In fact, unless you actually act in the hospital to harm yourself, they will just discharge you no matter how bad you say you are going to harm yourself. So I am just DONE with the whole business of it all. And it’s not like she helps me while I am suicidal. She doesn’t implement the SSF or safety plan or any of the other things that will ease the tension of suicidality. She just increases sessions where we don’t really talk about anything. My psychiatrist just relies on me to tell her about my symptoms. If I am not telling her I am having symptoms, then to her, I am fine. I just am so sick of being in a constant suicidal state and not being able to do anything about it. I can’t take my life so why bother being suicidal? I mean I can take it, but it’s too much of a damn hassle. I am tired of the planning that goes into a suicidal plan. I am tired of the contracts for safety telling my therapist I will not act on it no matter how bad I really want to kill myself. I am just tired. Plain and simple.

frustrated

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, depression

Today was not a good day. I woke up in the middle of the night and kept on having weird dreams. Then when I got up to have some breakfast my ankle decided it wanted none of it. So I took a pain pill and went back to sleep. My mother made some chicken lemon dish that was ok and I just got enough of the cobwebs out of my brain to type this.

I am feeling kind of nervous. I just got an order to appear in court for a bill I have not paid because I have no money. I am going to try and call them on Monday and tell them I am disabled and don’t have any money to give them. I know this might not work but if I can pay them at least ten to twenty dollars a month, maybe I can avoid going to court. I hate going to court, not like anyone does like it, except if you are a lawyer or a judge. All of this just after a hospitalization has my mind going in the gutter. As I was walking to Walgreens, I was praying someone would come up behind me and slice my throat. I really would rather be dead than to deal with this.

The Sox are on tonight. I think I will be watching it, even though Lester is pitching and I can’t stand to watch him pitch. I hope we get to the other pitcher but he is tough. It’s going to be a pitcher’s duel that is for sure.

The weird thing, or the more concerning thing, is that I am not really interested in watching the game. I am just so depressed I would rather just eat Chex Mix and call it a night. I am just so tired. I am also mad at myself for not doing anything today. I didn’t work on my manuscript today like I was going to do. I really hate myself for this. I knew I shouldn’t have gone back to bed after I had breakfast but I was just in so much pain. I am not in pain now. But I don’t think I can work on my manuscript while I am in this level of depression and suicidality. Plus the urges to cut are really rampant. And I just realized that I can’t see my therapist on Tuesday because I have to see my PCP. That really throws a wrench in my works.

I am just frustrated and upset with this letter. I wish I never got it.

out of the hospital

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychosis

I got discharged today. I am happy to be home but am kind of scared too. I think I will be ok once I settle back into my routine.

I haven’t typed up my experience but that will be a duty for tomorrow. I have been up since 0530 and am pretty tired. There is a Sox game on tonight and hopefully I can watch it in the quietness of my house and not fall asleep. Last night at the hospital, things got really rowdy. We had new admits and they were a young crowd. One was clearly manic and was boisterous and didn’t care. I couldn’t be around all that noise. It activated the voices and when I told my treatment team today, I was afraid I wasn’t going to get discharged but they let me out anyways.

I have therapy tonight and I see my pdoc tomorrow. I cannot wait to get a Starbucks coffee. It is a shame that I failed to use my rewards so I lost a free drink by a day. I feel so bad because I really wanted to use it. But I can use another one for tomorrow. I can get my donut for free!

A strange thing happened with my phone. I had to turn if off because it was frozen and when I turned it back on, it acted like it was new and went through the activation process. Then today I tried using it and it wouldn’t allow me to call or text any one. I had to call customer service but because I was in the hospital, they could only do so much. Luckily they sent updates to my phone and it is working good now. It bugs me because this is the second time something like this has happened. I am afraid that the next time, it might not fix itself. I am due for an upgrade but there are no phones that I really want (or can afford) right now, except for possibly the Galaxy IIIs. My brother in law has it and I think it is a cool phone but I am really wanting the wristband device that comes with it. Now that is totally STAR TREK!

I was telling some of the patients and staff in the hospital about my book and most wanted it. I gave them the title but it’s not like they can look it up anytime soon. I don’t have it published yet. I probably will sometime next month. I am going to try and get it done by Thanksgiving. We’ll see how the editing goes. I am not ready to start that yet so it might be next week before I am ready.

paranoia troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

today has not been a good day. I have been trying to isolate myself from the unit because the voices are really bad today. They are saying anything from the staff is poisoning to me to wanting to cut my arm off with the blood pressure cuff. And of course they are telling me to kill myself. I don’t think the meds are helping and I am running out of hope that things will get better.

I made a friend while here and she is interested in reading my book when it comes out. I will give her all my contact information when I get out of here. She is a real sweetheart. I hope she gets help too.

I don’t know why today is bad. I feel like I am not doing my routine and I am getting out of things. But I had a friend of mine bring in a mocha today so I was happy for a little while. I so needed a mocha fix. Dinner time is almost here but I quickly wanted to write a blog post about how things are going. I haven’t been writing today. I just can’t seem to find the words I want to use to write because the meds have me all messed up. I know this might seem silly but I miss my one voice I always talk to. The meds have made her go away and I hope that she comes back soon. She was a “nice” voice.

I talked about Mr. Hyde today and that sort of got me revved up. I don’t know why. I guess with the voices telling me to kill myself it stirred the pot a little bit.