Tag: suicide

stuck in misery

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

It’s after midnight and I am still in a lot of pain. I can’t sleep. My foot is throbbing like there is no tomorrow but alas tomorrow is here. I don’t know if I will fall asleep. I just took some more pain meds. That is four pills within two hours. I don’t care. My pain is a ten and I can’t stand it any longer. I feel like my foot is not even mine, that it belongs to someone else. This is the second time that my foot has been through the roof and I have dissociated my body part. I know this isn’t a good thing. I am meeting with my pdoc tomorrow and will discuss this with her. Maybe she can give me some tips to deal with this crap. But I doubt it. She will just reassure me that I am not going crazy, refill my prescription for my antipsychotic that I need, and set up another appointment with her in two weeks. I don’t know why I am going on continuing to suffer like this. I should just end it all. I just need to place a plastic bag over my head. But I don’t want my family finding me like that. I swear that is the only thing that is stopping me. If I had some other method that was less painful for them I might try it. Or if I could get a hotel room that would be better. Ah Ha, the midnight demons have surfaced and I am talking about death again. Funny, I don’t feel like Mr. Hyde. I don’t have the dread feeling I usually do when Hyde takes over. Maybe I am just feeling so badly because I want this pain to stop and it has been hours and it still has not ceased. I came home around four this afternoon. My ankle gave out on me around three. I remember the time because I wanted to catch the dreaded 15:13 bus. But I missed it when I was off trying to figure out what to get for dinner at the meat market.

I haven’t felt this way in over two weeks. I know last week I felt like taking the bottle of pain killers but this week, the pain has been so bad I can’t think straight to kill myself. thing is I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to stop. But I don’t want to live either, so what am I going to do? I have been writing in my journal for the past hour and filled it up. Now I have to move on to another journal. I started that journal in May. I am hoping the new Journal lasts until the end of December. God I hate feeling like this. I feel so useless and hopeless. I really feel like everything is just so dark and gray. I don’t see any colors except black. It is terrible to feel this way. Part of me knows this will pass but another part of me is unsure. I am tempted to call my pdoc. I know that I will see her tomorrow but I am worried about my safety. I took two ativans to try and calm me down and they have not kicked in yet. My foot is so bad that I can’t move my toes and every time I can’t move my toes on my left foot, I panic. I think that CES, cauda equina syndrome is back. I have to keep telling myself that I am not in severe back pain, that I still have control over my leg even though I can’t move my toes, that I am not numb like I should be if I was getting CES again. I am not saying that this is in my head. I know it is not. It’s just that the pain is making me crazy and thinking all this stupid shit. That is why I take the ativan, to help calm me down and stop the endless thought process. But tonight it just doesn’t seem to help me. I am stuck in misery. I can’t get unstuck.

I bought some pens tonight. I got a temporary “high” from my buying powers. I love buying pens. I don’t need them but I just have to have them. I got different colors this time. I usually just buy black pens but they had these cool looking colored pens so I had to get them. I can’t wait till they come in.

I bought a book that my psychiatrist wrote. I haven’t started reading it yet. It is about child mental illness so I am not sure I want to read it. I feel bad for kids that have mental problems, and I don’t mean just ADHD. When I was in college my psych professor had us read about a kid named Gus. He went through many hospitalizations and foster homes because he was depressed and suicidal. he was also a very abused kid. It was tough reading it. I think child abusers should be shot torturously before finally putting a bullet through their head or they should be fed to hogs alive. I have been abused and would so want my abuser to go through the kind of pain that he put me through.

I have been debating going into the hospital for a few weeks now. I am thinking that I might have to and that now is a “good” time to go. I always get really depressed and suicidal around this time of year and it lasts until February usually. It never fails that the middle of September I fall into the pit of depression and I can’t get out of it. It has been this way since 2005. Thing is, I am too lazy this time to actually pack my things like I usually do. I keep putting it off, saying I don’t need to. But I have my menses right now and I hate having to wear female underwear and then having to change pads while in the hospital. You don’t get a bin to throw the pads away and have to use the main bucket in the bathroom so it is really gross to have to do your business then carry the trash with you. Maybe I will go when the menses stop, whenever they do. But I am hoping I will feel better afterwards and I won’t have to do. I have not been in the hospital for over a year. But I know I need to go in. I need my batteries recharged, so to speak. I can’t quite explain the relief I feel when I am in a locked unit in the hospital. Sure it will suck not having my laptop with me but I am hoping I will have my tablet at least. I also hope I will have my headphones with me. that is all that I want. And of course my journal and writing pad. The only thing that will suck is that I will have a shit load of blogs to type up when I get out. I might be able to type up in the hospital on the tablet but I am not sure about internet connection. Course it all depends what kind of unit I get placed into.

stuck in a black hole

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Well today I thought I had enough spoons to get me through the day of getting coffee and dropping off my return to UPS. Then I decided to be bold to go a little shopping after my coffee to get dinner. I was wrong. I was half way back to the bus stop when my ankle gave out on me. CRAP!! For those that can walk normally, PLEASE PLEASE don’t take this for granted! It is so essential for me to have my own transportation (my feet) that every day that I cannot do something because of pain, makes me so very sad. Luckily I didn’t have to wait too long for the bus and it took me over twenty minutes to walk home from the bus stop where it normally takes me less than ten minutes. Because I already was in agony, I decided to go to Walgreens to pick up Ocean Spray’s new Cranberry drink, Cran-Lemonade. It is soooo good even my finicky niece loves it!

Dell has been trying to get in touch with me the last two days. If I wasn’t in great pain, I would have answered the call today as my laptop is making a high pitch whine noise that is absolutely driving me fucking crazy. It sounds like a cop car coming but really I think it is the cooling fan starting and stopping. Whatever it is, I did NOT have this problem before I shipped out my laptop. I will try calling them tonight or maybe sending them an email because the morons can’t speak good English. The messages they have left me have been undecipherable. Sorry but if you work for customer service you should have GOOD English speaking skills for an American company!!!

I still am feeling blue. I feel like this huge black cloud is following me every where I go. I don’t “see” colors except for black and gray. I hate being in this world. And I know it is going to pass but that does help for the time being. It sucks being this way. I called my repro endo doc and she is out of the fricken country. Just fricken great. Secretary was able to give me an appointment on Monday, so that is something at least. Hopefully this siege will be over by then. I know that is what is making me feel more miserable than usual. I have decided that I can live with a certain amount of misery in my life. In fact, I expect it. My world has been filled with gray clouds for most of my life so what is the difference if there are black clouds following me. I never see the sun. I am so far away from it that I am just stuck in a black hole.

My battery came close to dying on me today and I had it. It was the last straw. I went back to the extended battery that I have. I just hope it lasts until I can get another one. Damn things are expensive. Sprint has one but it is only slightly bigger than a standard. I got a thicker battery through some website that I am going to have to track down through my Amazon purchases. I buy all my cell phone accessories through Amazon. I love it as you can get really good deals. Too bad I didn’t get a deal on the hundred dollar headphones set I bought. They only work on Apple products. I would have returned them but I didn’t want to go through the hassle so I just kept them. They are good quality headphones but I can’t use the stupid remote it came with. I tried handing them off to my niece and nephew who have iTouch/iPod but they don’t like the earbuds. Kids!

psychosis rebound?

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, psychosis

My writing partner and I came to an agreement today about writing. I am glad she meant five days and not five pages a day! I would really struggle writing if I had to spew out five pages a day. It would be a worthwhile effort for both of us, but neither of us would be able to keep at it all the time. We can sometimes barely put together two page, let alone five.

I had time before my mock interview today and wrote like three pages. My fricken phone kept going off with email and text notifications so it was hard to write consistently. I wasn’t writing emotionally charged stuff, just my experience but the distractions were enough for me to feel like it was incoherent. I was writing on a legal pad so I am hoping that while I am typing it into a document, it makes sense and that I can add to it.

I almost made it home in one piece. I went to Walgreens for some snacks and while I was walking down the inclined walkway to go home, my foot exploded. It felt like it wanted to flex into a ball like your hand does. It was so painful and I still had a block and half to go before I was home. It was the slowest walk I ever walked. What normally would take me ten minutes took me twenty. It was so bad that normally I have no problem taking off my pants but I couldn’t. I lost mobility in my foot to kick the pants off me. Just glad I didn’t fall because I don’t have good balance on my right foot when I need it.

Got a call from Dell today. My baby has been shipped home and I should get it tomorrow. I didn’t get any calls about the hard drive (not that I thought it was a drive issue) so I am hoping that all my files are intact. It will be so good to be back on the new one, though I know it will be weird at first. I just got used to the old laptop’s keyboard, which is slightly different than the new one. I will be happy when I know she is safely in my hands again. I can’t wait to take her out to Starbucks sometime this week to finish typing my manuscript. I am almost at the 150 mark. By the end of the week, I should be close to 170 and that is where I plan on ending it for a while. My writing partner just advised me to save it six different places and let it stew for a while before working on it. Trouble is that I have a hard time editing a paper on a computer screen. I might have to go to FedEx and print it out to have it safe or go to staples. It might be cheaper there to print out than FedEx. I will have to do some shopping around as I don’t have a working printer at home. I think my sister does so maybe I can save some $$ there.

The mock interview went fast. I was “seen” for about twenty-five minutes, the shortest time I ever had an interview for. The lady was an older woman, probably in her late fifties, early sixties, and every time she asked a question, I would answer and then lose track of what I was saying so I stopped talking. My pdoc kept calling me a lifesaver, whatever that meant. I did bring up my neurological issues and pain issues. At the end she just recommended that I get compression stockings. The weirdest session I ever had! Even my pdoc was like taken aback. She never worked with her before and I felt bad for her. The guy I had last year, even though he kind of sucked was a better interviewer. He only sucked because he wanted things done on a time limited basis so I felt rushed in answering his questions. Plus we got off on a bad start as I didn’t have an ailment on the top of my head, which seemed to annoy him. This time I was prepared but I am glad I just stuck with ankle pain/inflammation rather than body part dissociation. I don’t think that would have gone over well. She didn’t even seem interested when I brought up my depression. I wanted to bring up suicidal thinking but caught myself. I knew this lady was not going to handle THAT at all. If I was a ball buster, I probably should have but I am not. I think it would have been great but my psych was there and I didn’t want to cause myself to go to the ER with just mentioning it. I so wish I talked about the out of body experience. I could have had so much fun with it. But this lady was so damn dry. I talked about it with my pdoc and she agreed. I hope her day got better. I see her Friday for my regular appointment.

I don’t know why I had such anxiety after this experience or if what I was trying to write stirred some stuff up. I just was really panicky and the voices went berserk on me. They ALL came in on me soon as I was alone, nitpicking everything I did and said during the interview. I didn’t take my antipsychotic last night. I don’t fricken care about side effects but I am taking the full 10 mg tonight. I might even take some trilafon if the stupid door chime I hear before a voice enters doesn’t stop. I know I am exhausted and that just makes it worse but I need to feel like I am in control again.

I’m going to go make myself a cup of Chamomile tea. I need it for its calming effects and to try and get the stupid post nasal drip out of the back of my throat!

chronic pain sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Been in a sour mood all day. I just can’t seem to get motivated to do anything. I wanted to have coffee but there was no more half and half in the house. I woke up in pain so I have been trying to sleep most of the day. I finally fell asleep for about an hour when my niece came home yelling at her sister for something. I was so mad. I did go out to get something to eat and a jelly donut. I was craving one. I know I shouldn’t as I have been eating crap the last few days but I so wanted a donut.

Today was my cousin’s baby shower. I didn’t go. I hate going to those things. I consider it a female thing so I just don’t go.

I really am tired today. I have been trying for the past hour to come up with some writing but nothing is coming to me. Oh and I tweeted Andrew Solomon today and surprisingly, he tweeted back! I was excited!! My twitter handle is noondaydemon75, which is named after his book. I am re-reading his book but can’t really get into reading. My brain is just toast. I had a hard time sleeping last night so decided to read some of the Lincoln book until 3 am. I didn’t sleep more than 6 hours before I woke up in pain again. I am in pain now. I just don’t care anymore. Right now, it just feels like a bad toothache.

I don’t know what to make of my pain. I was reading my old blog site and seems like this started the end of January of 2011. So it has been over two years that I have had this pain, and I feel it almost every single day. Nice (not). As I was reading my blogs, I noticed just how bad the despair was. I also read the fear I was having that this was a back issue and how much I was going to kill myself because of the pain and if I got CES x 3. Not much has changed since those writings. I still am suicidal and I am still in a lot of pain. I have seen over I don’t know how many different doctors/specialists for the problem and it seems, according to my writings, that no one was willing to help me with it. Even now my PCP, though he does give me my pain medication, sends me to other doctors. It is like I just can’t go in for one month and just get my script and walk out without some kind of theory he gets. I don’t care anymore. The pain as far as I am concerned is caused by nerve damage and the diagnosis is according to three doctors is complex regional pain syndrome. I don’t know what that really means but I know it can’t be fixed. And as long as the pain medication takes care of the pain a little bit, I am happy with it. Structurally, there is nothing wrong with my foot/ankle/leg except for some mild swelling, which no one has been able to get down. Even after a year of inactivity, I still get the swelling. I still have a lump on my leg where there is swelling.

And the whole thing depresses me. I can’t go for long walks like I used to. I can’t stand for more than twenty minutes without some kind of pain attack. At night my foot or ankle will start to bother me more than anything and I want to die from the pain. It will start off as small and then it will rear its ugly head all the way through half the night. Sometimes if I take my meds early enough I can go to sleep without it getting bad. Other nights, the anxiety it puts me through is too much and I am up all night, sometimes till 6 am.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day for me. I have to take my father to a medical appointment and then I see my psychiatrist in the afternoon for the medical students interview. I am dreading it because I know that it is going to be a long day and I am not going to sleep very well. I hope that before I drop my sister off at work I can get my coffee as I know I am going to need it. I might even have two in the day. But we’ll see.