Tag: writing

My therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression, suicide attempt

My therapist

I know a couple of my blogs have dealt with my therapist. Today she came back from her vacation and I could tell she is glad to be back.

We talked about a couple of issues while she was gone that I had texted her about. I had to keep her in the loop while she was away. I don’t know who else’s therapist does that but mine does.

Friday I was telling my psychiatrist that I was lucky to have her and not to have her drop me when she was going through all the moves that she was making. And also I didn’t connect with anyone while trying to find another therapist that was closer to me. My psychiatrist did bring up a point, that I didn’t drop either one (my therapist or my psychiatrist), though I did try to drop my therapist, many times. It just never worked out. And today I am seeing why. She really cares about me. And I think her hounding and nagging isn’t helping me. We talked about that today after she tried to assess my suicidality. I told her I was fine but she didn’t believe me. She never does. And it pisses me off because sometimes I really am fine.

I have known this bozo for the past 12.5 years (technically 13 if you count the initial session we had). I had an initial session with her in Aug 2000 but because she didn’t take my insurance, I had to wait till January to see her. It was a trying time. I was in severe back pain because I had a herniated disc. I was severely depressed because a therapist (one before her) had just left me after a year of working together and I was hurting really bad because I had just broken up with my girl friend. I was seriously thinking of killing myself because feelings of abandonment were rampant and I didn’t know if I wanted to go back to therapy again. I had so many therapists over the course of 10 yrs already and I wasn’t going to go again just to get hurt again. But something in her demeanor made me think that she was the one. And now after all this time, I realize that we have a lifetime commitment to one another (well, maybe not but it feels like it!)

I’ve had love and love’s had me
I’ve been held and been set free
And I have lived enough to know
That you might stay or you might go
So here I am one more time
Call me brave call me blind

I’m gonna count to 3
I’m gonna hold my breath
Try not to be afraid
Tho it scares me half to death
I’m out here on a limb
Altho I know that it might break
My heart is gonna want you anyway
And if this love has any chance at all
Someone’s gotta be the first to fall

The best is just a touch away
We’ll make forever day by day
It’d be a shame to let this go
How sad to think we’d never know
How the morning light would fall on us
After we make all night in love

I’m gonna count to 3
I’m gonna hold my breath
Try not to be afraid
Tho it scares me half to death
I’m out here on a limb
Altho I know that it might break
My heart is gonna want you anyway
And if this love has any chance at all
Someone’s gotta be the first to fall

So here I am one more time
Call me brave call me blind

I’m gonna count to 3
I’m gonna hold my breath
Try not to be afraid
Tho it scares me half to death
I’m out here on a limb
Altho I know that it might break
My heart is gonna want you anyway
And if this love has any chance at all
Someone’s gotta be the first to fall

When I first heard this song by Terri Clark, it was the perfect song for my therapist and I. I was just getting over my relationship with a previous therapist and I didn’t know if I would go on. I was going out on a limb, trying my luck with Bozo.

I didn’t always call Bozo bozo. I used to call her by her formal title Dr. E. But as the years went by she wanted me to call her by her first name, A. Her middle name starts with a B and I didn’t know it for the longest time. And it is an unusual name. So I just started calling her Bozo hoping that she would get mad at me and stop seeing me. Turned out that no matter what I called her (including some explicit language), it never changed her mind. And wasn’t I in trouble!! She and I always had a connection from day one. I like to think that it was the song by Kenny Chesney, you had me from hello that explains it all.

One word, that’s all you said
Something in your voice called me, turned my head
Your smile, just captured me
You were in my future as far as I could see
And I dont know how it happens, but it happens still
You asked me if I love you, if I always will

Well you had me from hello
I felt love start to grow
The moment I looked into your eyes you won me
It was over from the start you completely stole my heart
And now you won’t let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from hello

Inside I built a wall
So high around my heart, I thought I’d never fall
One touch, you brought it down
The bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground
And I swore to me I wasn’t going to love again
The last time was the last time I’d let someone in

But you had me from hello
I felt love start to grow
The moment I looked into your eyes you won me
It was over from the start you completely stole my heart
And now you wont let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from hello

Thats all you said
Something in your voice calls me, turns my head
You had me from hello
You had me from hello
Girl, I’ve loved you from hello

I don’t know how I got to be lucky to have this woman in my life and have such a good relationship with her. It took a long time to trust her especially after dealing with a diagnosis of Cauda Equina Syndrome. That diagnosis brings such a loss of dignity that you cannot imagine what it is like until it reaches you. But through all of my illnesses she has been there.

She doesn’t have a traditional track, like CBT or psychodynamic. She has what is called relational therapy. I am guessing she picked it up back in New Mexico because I can’t seem to find out about it anywhere else. More than that she takes the Aeschi model to a whole new level. She really wants to know me as a person and not as a diagnosis. I think if she were a strict therapist, I might not be with her after all this time. Even though I might not have frequent in session sessions, we still are able to read each other on the phone by the sound of our voices. I can see the faces she makes when we talk, though for a long time, I rarely had any type of facial contact. I think by having phone sessions has increased our eye to eye contact more than it has in the past. It really helped break the barrier of what I felt I couldn’t talk about and really talk about it. She also allows me to having input in the kind of treatment I want. If I didn’t bring in the works or Dr. Shneidman or Dr. Jobes, I doubt that I would be here today. She altered her practice style for me and I never take that for granted. Her style might be considered eccentric but it works for me. I am grateful that she allowed the use of the SSF and Holden’s scale for psychache into our work. I think even if I brought in the most ridiculous form of therapy, she might just be game. Though she has brought some ridiculous forms of therapy to me. The works of Janina Fisher seem a little bogus to me. But she believes in them so I have no chance of changing her mind. I met the lady and boy was it an eye opener to complete bullshit!!

baseball and a suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, suicide

I just realized it has been a long time since I wrote about baseball. A lot has been going on in the baseball world, mostly centered on one stupid, arrogant, idiotic player. For those that are in the US, you got it. I am Talking about A-Rod or Alex Rodriguez. I like to call him other things as this F***er is destroying the sport and I am not happy that despite his suspension, he still continues to play. THEN he gets beaned by one of MY pitchers and he gets suspended. Did this pitcher appeal? NO. He took it like a man and that was that. This punk (A_ROID) used PED (Performance enhancing drugs) after the MLB (Major League Baseball) ban on them and is still allow to play because he is fighting his appeal. I really hope that he get screwed big time and has to pay back the money he is getting paid for the games he has played. He is a loser and has been since he became a Yankee. I do not feel bad for him in the least and I hope that he becomes banned from baseball.

On another note, my heart has been heavy since learning of a suicide of one the actors from the TNT show Rizzoli and Isles. He has to be the what fourth actor to die in the last few months by suicide. He was African-American and only 29 years old. I don’t know how they are going to write his character now. I feel for his fellow actors and actresses and the rest of the crew. It really comes to mind the song “how do you get so lonely, and nobody knows”. A fellow blogger posted that song the other day and it reminded me of the lyrics to this song. I can’t think of the name of the person that sings it right now. He was popular for this song only. I don’t think the artist has made an album since this song. He is another one hit wonder.

The actor I am talking about is Lee Thompson Young. He played Detective Barry Frost. I loved his character. I just wonder why he didn’t reach out and get help. I guess we will never know as there was no suicide note found. Not like that makes a huge difference. A suicide is a suicide. He was handsome and talented. And yet he felt, I am assuming, in so much pain. Maybe there was another reason. No one will ever know. As far as I do know, there were no drugs involved. Not like that will matter when you think about suicide. People I think, in my honest opinion, would rather have the drugs or alcohol as a scapegoat to killing oneself to make them feel better. It helps to blame the drugs/alcohol more than anything else because even though no one is to blame for a suicide, people still think it was their fault when it happens. That if they just talked a little more to the person, asked questions, or did something different they could have prevented the person from killing themself. I don’t know if anyone knew he was depressed. I have been going over the suicide blogs on WordPress to see if anyone wrote about this. And one person just chocks it up to the race and the downside of how blacks are killing themselves. I don’t know it is true. I know what the statistics show. So this case fits perfectly within the statistical model of suicide. Yay, does that do anything to help his family? I doubt it.

medication and feeling scared

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis, suicide

Meds and being scared

Yesterday I was in a panic more so when I have to take a bus some place. My hands were trembling uncontrollably for several hours. I was scared. Then when I started writing with pen and paper, it got worse. The only other time this has happened to me was when I was on high doses of trilafon. But I am not taking trilafon for my psychotic symptoms. I am taking another medication called Abilify. And it is causing these symptoms. I am scared because it might mean I have to get off this med and if I do, the voices will run rampant and I will have to be back in the hospital. Usually, taking the Ativan will help bring me down and so far today I don’t have any symptoms. I emailed my doc and she has not responded so I think I am on my own with this. I wish she would respond so that I know I am on the right course. I skipped my dose last night and I am only taking half the dose tonight. We’ll see if I get any symptoms tomorrow.

I have been on this drug for more than a year now. I have never had to take a long term anti-psychotic drug before. Usually the bad voices would go away after taking the meds for few weeks and then I could stopped taking them but after my psychotic break in 2008, this has not been the case. One doctor called me schizoaffective because my symptoms were so bad they were considering putting me on clozaril. But then during one of my admissions I was placed on Abilify and it worked for me better than any other drug. I can no longer take Seroquel or risperadone because they give me worse side effects. I rather have the trembling than my legs kicking uncontrollably or my heart giving me palpitations.

Right now the voices are under control. I am still having break throughs. I have a new voice that likes to talk to me just as I am falling asleep. She just pops her head in and starts talking away. I don’t suffer from visual hallucinations but if I did, that is what I imagine is happening. Then the other voices start up and chime in with their own questions and wondering why I am still here and why am I not working so I have to go into that whole debacle. Or the other voices will talk with the new voice and the whole thing will keep me up because I get agitated by them interfering with my sleep. I sometimes have to referee them. It is very exhausting keeping up with them while listening to music to try and drown them out.

If I have to stop this medication, things will change. I really don’t want the paranoia and delusions to come back. I don’t want the commanding voices to start up again. I will not be able to function. I will really hate not being on this medication. But I am hoping, that I can take another medication to counteract its affects. I kind of feel like Dr. Pearce from Perception where he goes through life unmedicated and still be able to function to some degree. He is able to embrace the voices that he knows are not real. I don’t want to go through that. I went through it once and it was not pleasant. I can handle the three or four voices regularly but I can’t handle the paranoia and delusions. That is more debilitating to me than a conversation of voices in my head.

Maybe If…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Stages of grief:
Denial and isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

I’m wondering if going through the stages of grief will help my mental state at all? I have been in denial for so long I don’t know if I can really go through it. But I know it will be an interesting topic for my therapist, if I ever show her my writings, and she actually reads them.

I’m reading Noonday Demon and it is reminding me that depression is a passing illness. What you feel today, you won’t feel tomorrow. I find this true and had forgotten it. Some can also be said of the suicidal mind.

I have been trying to make the reaction to suicide paper onger but it is difficult. I think I got to just rearrange the paragraphs so that it will be easier to write.

Maybe by starting out saying I am a multi-attempter who does feel like I am not glad to be alive yet I’m still here. Yet according to research, I should be dead. I wonder why I am stil here after so many failed attempts. I think most likely it is because I have lost confidence in my ability to end my life. It’s almost like a “why bother” reaction. I still don’t have the energy to go ahead with my plans and even though I thought it would be “easy” to hang myself off my porch, I have found that the stairs would be in the way. Another reason I’m still around. I should have done this months ago but I was too afraid of getting caught. And usually I wanted to kill myself after work on a Saturday night, where I know I most likely will not be found till Monday at some point. I had the perfect place picked out that was very secluded.

I guess I am a coward for not going ahead with the plans. And it sucks now that I have to live with this. I can’t die and I am not living. How to keep going, that is the problem and it makes me so sad.

I saw my PCP yesterday and to him I appeared cheerful. How I deceive people. I am so used to hiding what I feel to people, I guess I still have the knack of deception. The day before I was in the throws of horrendous pain and yesterday I am cheerful. Funny, I didn’t feel cheerful. My head was filled with suicidal thoughts so how can I be cheerful? I guess the most depressed is the most well hidden. I have always been able to hide my pain. Even as he was poking around my injured foot. I don’t know if he realizes the struggle I go through every day I am still here. No one does. Maybe I should look into other methods of self-destruction but I doubt I can go through with it so what is the point of thinking of another plan?

I often wonder what would happen in the aftermath of my death. Would I be missed? I often write a suicide note saying no one is to blame. The only person to really blame is myself. IF I had only done things differently-what I am not sure- Maybe I wouldn’t want to end my life. I just know that writing about it is the only escape I have left to me. Now wanted to hear about how suicidal I am anymore. I am sure my therapist would rejoice if I never mentioned suicide again in my sessions. Maybe if I don’t be so ope with them they will go away. This is something I have contemplated for a while now. But the fricken nitwit assesses my psychache most sessions so I cannot lie or betray her confidence in me that I will tell her my thoughts about killing myself. If I say no I have no thoughts I doubt she will believe me anyways. Every day for the past several years I’ve thought about ending my life. Some days I think about it more than others. Sometimes pain dictates the severity of killing myself and the need to escape from it. That is all I desire -> an escape from conscious or in a sleep state. Escape is the biggest reason for suicide. Escae from intolerable feelings of distress one constantly feels. In my case, I want to escape from the pain of living, emotionally and physically. It’s gotten to the point I can no longer distinguish between the two when taking a psychological pain scale assessment. I just wish the pain would stop. No one can find a way to relieve it. Icing/elevating/resting for the past year has not helped. It is very debilitating to be in pain yet it not be relieved but ordinary measures. And the worst part is being flip-flopped to other doctors. It’s the merry-go-round of health care. This doctor says it’s this, that doctor refers you to another doctor who refers you to yet another doctor and the answers are the same. Nothing is wrong with you that they can fix so it has to be coming from the back but even the neurosurgeon says there is nothing wrong. So why bother going to all these doctors anymore. While visiting my primary, he wanted me to go back to my physiatrist (doctor that specializes in muscles and joints). I am DONE seeing specialists. And besides this doctor moved her office to another site that I can’t get to. I don’t believe there is public transportation to her new office. I really liked this doctor too. She has been the most straight forward of all the other numbskulls I have seen. And besides, I know she is just going to say I have tendonitis. A tendonitis that flares up unexpectedly at times when I am at rest. Makes no sense. But then she’ll go back to the diagnosis of CRPS and I’ll be sent off back to my primary for pain management. And so the flip-flop goes.

Yesterday, I had some weird symptoms that I believe are from the anti-psychotic that I take to control my voices. It was liking I was having Parkinson’s symptoms. When I came home last night it wasn’t so bad, I didn’t take my regular dose and took some Ativan to calm me down as it was making me anxious. I emailed my pdoc to let her know and I still have not heard back from her. I see her on Friday anyways and other than me skipping and lowering my dose, there is nothing more that she can do. The only thing that sucks after this is that my hands feel fatigued.

I had a good night last night as I went out to dinner with some friends. Again the FB status that I posted came back to haunt me. That really pissed me off. I don’t understand why people take things so seriously and then can’t let it go. Isn’t it obvious I was having a bad night and couldn’t you just say you were sorry I having a rough time? But no…the part about me saying that no one cares is the foremost thing that should be talked about. This is what I posted “Everyone turn a blind eye to the pain I experience every day. So be it. When they ask for something I will just tell them no I can’t do it because of pain. Maybe then they will get the message. I am too tired of fighting all my thoughts are dark and no one cares or gives a shit” I don’t think I offended anyone or singled out any one person but apparently, I was not supposed to feel this way and post this. FUCK YOU, I will post what I want to post. Just like I will post whatever I feel with my blogs. The sad part is that a couple of close friends reacted to the status. Not one family member did. Shows you that you don’t have to be a blood relative to care.