Tag: writing

wallowing in my suicidal mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, suicide

Today has been a sucky day. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to stay in bed all day. But my sister asked me to pick up my niece and so I went only to find out, I didn’t. She had already picked her up. I would say that was a waste but at least I got some exercise in that I was planning on doing anyway. Now I can take my meds and just chill out.

My mother pissed me off this morning and this afternoon. This morning her alarm clock went off because she forgot to shut it off. Then she called me while I was trying to nap asking me if I was going to make her supper. WTH. I am a cook now? I don’t think so, not unless she wants scrambled eggs, which is what I plan on making for supper. Just because I had energy to make dinner last night doesn’t mean I can do it every night.

Therapy went horrible. We talked but we didn’t. I didn’t bring up the reasons why I felt so suicidal. I did tell her I was and she asked if it was because of the TG stuff. I just couldn’t bear to bring up the stuff again. Then she asked me toward the end of session if she could read my blog. I said no at first, but I sent it to her anyway. I don’t know what I am going to do this weekend to take my mind off feeling suicidal. I might go out tomorrow for Starbucks. I don’t know though. All I want to do is just sleep, and never wake up. I really just don’t see the point of me living anymore. I wish the pain medication that I have didn’t have Tylenol in it. It’s the only thing stopping me from taking the bottle. I would hate to survive the OD and end up with liver failure. But I have other stuff I can take. I just don’t want to do it at my home. I rather go to a hotel or someplace and OD there. I could always hang myself but I am not good with knots. My luck it won’t be tight enough and I will slip through. Sure I have other thoughts but nothing that I can concretely complete. I feel so small. I just want to hide away from everyone. I have another stinking session with my therapist tomorrow and it’s too late to cancel, not that it would work. She has the policy that I can’t cancel, ever, unless there is a good reason for it. And her knowing that I am suicidal is not a good reason for canceling. I feel like I should call my pdoc and let her know what is going on but at the same time, I don’t want to call her because she might hospitalize me. I don’t think I am there yet. I could be in a week or two, but not now.

My blog has crappy stats today. I only have 6 views today. I have been spoiled with recent views of 40 or more per day the past week. Yes, I am a number nerd. But I love the way WordPress compiles the data. One of my blogs has done extremely well and I keep track of it daily. But today it hasn’t had a hit. First time in a few weeks this has happened but the night is still young. The blog is also a chapter in my book.

Funny how I feel suicidal but I don’t feel Hyde’s presence. Hyde is the dark side of me that likes to come out and write suicide notes. I really think I need to be in a special zone to have Hyde come out. Right now I am just suicidal in my own realm. I want to die but I don’t have a plan of action. I just am wallowing in my suicidal mind. I like it there. I can come up with a million scenarios on how I can kill myself and maybe one of them I will go through. But right now I am just planning, or thinking about planning. it is what I do best.

what would be the point

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, transgender

I still am not feeling myself. I feel very suicidal and every bottle of pills looks like an answer to me. I am trying very hard to resist the urges but it is very difficult. I got my new pain medication and the pills are smaller. They will be easier to swallow but I am trying not to think about that. My therapist will have an earful when I talk to her tomorrow. I am glad we have an extra session on Thursday, too. Seems like I always need more sessions when I am suicidal than when I am doing “okay”. But I never seem to be okay. I am either in a suicidal mood or a depressed mood. There isn’t a normal one anymore.

I tried to talk with my editor last night about how my book is coming and got no where. This waiting SUCKS!!!!!!

I decided I wanted potatoes and hotdogs for supper tonight so I am cooking them now. The potatoes will take forever so I am hoping in an hour I will have supper. I have the dogs thawing so they will be easier to cut.

I did a lot of walking today. I tried to walk off my frustrations about last night but it didn’t help. I am still suicidal. I am not hospital bound suicidal though. Right now I am just thinking about it more than I should. I don’t plan on acting on it, though I think if something were to push me further, I might. I was talking to a blogger friend last night before my meds conked me out. It was a good chat. She was trying to validate me being a guy. But there shouldn’t be any type of validation, I should just be a guy and that is that! I am a son not a daughter! I am so confused. But every time I bring it up, so does the suicidal thoughts so maybe I shouldn’t talk about it. I am just exhausted from dealing with it. I am exhausted from walking too. My foot is going to thank me later, I just know it.

I got a new blog follower that is a psychologist. That makes two that I have. I feel kind of honored. I don’t know them outside of my blog, which is good, but then, I don’t know half of my blog followers anyway. All part of being anonymous.

I don’t know what I am really going to say to my therapist other than she put me in a tailspin of suicidal thoughts all because she wanted me to move forward with my TG issues. I think she thinks it is an “easy” solution to my suicidal thoughts…deal with the TG and then you decrease the suicide thoughts. I wish it worked that way but it doesn’t, and it failed miserably last night. I am so out of sorts I haven’t even texted her today that I am so miserable. I thought about sending her my blog but what would be the point. It would be similar to my TG suicidal mind blog and that I am ashamed. She brought that up last night and it hurt like hell. I don’t know why I felt hurt but I did. But then, a lot of stuff hurt me last night and the realization that I am never going to be a guy hurt more than I can ever write about. I could let it go but what if my suicidality gets out of hand and she has no clue why? I know she is not that stupid but she is more for containment of my suicidal thoughts than dealing with the whys. In fact, I think most clinicians think that if they magically deal with suicidal containment, then they don’t have to deal with the why. It’s all messed up.

I am glad I don’t have therapy today and maybe I will text my therapist later tonight that I am having a hard time. Maybe I won’t. I am still wicked pissed at her. She knows how the TG stuff activates my suicidality sometimes. I just can’t believe she would do it and then not assess me afterwards. That part drives me crazy. Granted I wasn’t immediately suicidal after session but as the night wore on, I found myself having more and more suicidal thoughts. Hence why I wrote that blog. Maybe I am the idiot here.

ranting blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Having a pissa of day, literally and figuratively. Sox lost their opening day game. It was a pitchers duel throughout the game. Hard one to lose but unfortunately, Lester left a pitch up in the zone and Cruz blasted it. Costly mistake but it happens.

Then I find out my cousin told my mother where I was today. Normally I wouldn’t friggin mind but I hate it when she asks me fifty million questions about my doc appointment that took forever. I told her I just want to be on medication and as long as it took care of the pain, I was fine with that. She said I had the wrong mentality and then got pissed off at me when I said it was a realist mentality. If she only knew how much medication I take, she would shit a brick, and that doesn’t include the supplements I take. I take more than she does. But she is on insulin so that is ok to take. WTF I don’t get it.

I called my cousin and cussed him out because he told my mother. All because I wouldn’t answer the damn phone. He called me four fricken times while I was waiting for the doc, I shit you not. Sorry if my profanity is getting to you, there will be more swears and if that offends you, I suggest you move on to another blog for today. I am in a pissed off mood and I swear like a sailor when pissed. My cousin apologized. I know he is anxious about his concerns and stuff that I won’t get into here but still, why the hell should he call me four fricken times?? Pisses me off. Then to tell my mother. That just blows it.

The doctor didn’t have anything new to say except see a ankle specialist. Fuck that. I have seen a ton of them and they all said the same thing. Nothing is wrong with me but they can’t find out what is causing my pain. So the hell with them. I told him my pain is less so he cut my medication. I don’t need more than what I have already and we went longer than 30 days in seeing him. I should be fine but today I did too much and I know I will need some meds. Ain’t no doubt about it. We went through the whole speel about my mental health and how my family was and shit. The appointment took forever. My blood pressure was high and so was my pulse (again). But they always seem to catch me just as I walk through the door so I am still hoofing it to the office. Plus I have to walk down the hall to his exam room so that extra blood flowing. He thinks the high pulse rate is because of my pain. Whatever. Long as I got a normal hearth rhythm, I really don’t care. AFib or Atrial Fibrillation runs on my father’s side of the family. Nearly all his family members that I know have it. None on my mother’s side. But then, her side has the mental illness. Afib is an abnormal rhythm disorder in which the heart beats faster than it should. Medication is used to control it and sometimes a pacemaker is needed.

My father just called me. Looks like he doesn’t have an appointment with his doctor like he thought he did because his doc is not going to be in the office tomorrow. Just wonderful. I get to reschedule his appointment but I still got to take him for his blood draw. He was supposed to go today but I figured since he had the appointment it could wait. Fucking A, just to make my life that more difficult. As if I don’t have my own health issues to worry about, I got my father’s to keep track of, too.

Still no word from the editor. Every time my phone goes off for an email notification, I get excited but it’s not her. Guess editing is taking longer than I thought it would. But the night is still young. She could email me later. I like that she also reviews the changes I make after she sends the edits. So I have that going for me. If I ever hear from her. Fuck, this isn’t a long fricken book, just about 52,000 words. She has edited books way longer than that, or so she has written about. Hurry the hell up already!! OK rant over, for today at least.

total incapacitation

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I have been sleeping most of the day. My ankle has been hurting really bad and the only time I left my room was to have something to eat or go to the bathroom. I know I am super dehydrated because I haven’t really had anything to drink most of the day. I had a glass of juice with my supper and that is all I can really recall drinking. It’s late now so I don’t want to drink anything because I will be up all night peeing.

Today was my brother in law’s birthday. I didn’t go to it because I just couldn’t make the stairs. When my mother called to see where I was, she was shocked to know I was in pain because “it didn’t look like it when I got up this morning”. Pain can flare at any time. I don’t have to justify it to anyone. I swear they don’t believe me sometimes, but that is their problem not mine. And even though I spent the day in bed, I am still hurting.

I have not heard anything from the author yet. It’s been almost 24 hrs. I hope I hear from her tomorrow. I better hear from her tomorrow! I have a busy week. Tomorrow I have my pcp appointment, Tuesday I have my father’s appointment and Wed/Thursday is my therapy appointment. I really don’t want to see my PCP tomorrow. I gained some weight back because I wasn’t careful. Plus my mother made cookies, my kryptonite. I have been eating them almost all day even though it killed me to go down the stairs.

I am not taking my meds tonight. Only pill I will take is my birth control. I forgot to count out my meds for the week but that is kind of hard to do when you can’t stand for longer than ten minutes. I should have done it last night when I couldn’t sleep but I didn’t think of it. I usually do it on Sunday mornings when I wake up but today was an off day for me. I woke up late and was in pain and the day kind of got away from me. I read my Lawrence Block books that I bought yesterday and then slept most of the day. Not like it did any good for me. I know it has to do with the weather changes. It’s no longer twenty degrees out so my pain has to increase with the temp increase. I was never like this before my back surgery. Sure, rain hurt my knee whenever it rained but nothing like this. This is total incapacitation. I hate it because there is nothing I can do but rest. If I try to do something, I am rewarded with pain. So I just lay low until the weather equalizes and stays the same for a few days. Tomorrow is going to be interesting.