commitment to living

Seeing as I have been suicidal the past few weeks, sometimes intensely, other times not so much, I thought I would talk about the dreaded “no suicide contract”. In an article by Rudd, Mandrusiak, and Joiner (2008), the authors describe that there is no empirical data that proves a contract is a deterrent to suicide anymore than say pinky swearing (my words not the authors). In these times where suicide rates are going up rather than down, it is important to have something in place so that the therapist and client feels comfortable sharing the suicidal feelings without always resorting to hospitalization. The authors in this article promote a “commitment to living statement” as way to facilitate 1) identifying roles, obligations, and expectations of both clinician and client, 2) communicate openly and honestly about all aspects of treatment including talk of suicide, and 3) identify emergency services usage when client cannot contain the agreement.

This agreement seems to me as a good way to start any conversation of suicide but it also feels like it is an informal consent contract. It doesn’t really focus on a suicidal behavior tracking plan like the Suicide Status Form. All it does is explicitly states that the client make a commitment to living.

I was reading this because I thought it was a unique contract but now I am thinking that it is not. It does however, give the clinician and client a time focused treatment plan that I think all therapists should have with their clients so that if something is not working, it can be changed so it does work. In my experience, I think that this would be helpful for my therapy but I think it might be too late for that as we are no longer seeing one another face to face and this contract requires a handwritten statement to be made.

My therapist and I have reached another impasse and I think sometimes that having a break is beneficial. It gives me time to think things over. I also think that if I had the inclination, I would bring this article up again with her and see what she thinks of it to help my suicidal tendencies. But I am not sure about the whole commitment to living aspect of it. It does seem to me that something needs to give and she needs a piece of mind that doesn’t include me telling her I want to kill myself every week. The biggest thing on the commitment statement is that it allows for goals to be set. In my twelve or so years of being with the same therapist, I don’t think we ever have set one goal in treatment. Usually I was the one to come up with a treatment plan on how I wanted to be treated. That was fine until I ran out of gas and ideas. But what would setting a goal after all this time be like? I don’t know as I have not really thought about it. My therapist doesn’t give me homework, other than possibly blogging about something she has in mind for me to work on. We generally have an unspoken agreement that I will call her should I think about acting on my thoughts to harm myself. The most I have done is text her, a lot, to let her know I am having a hard time with my thoughts. Usually this happens during the long weekend when either she is away or when we have a long few days between sessions due to the weekend or holidays. I try not to text her so much but she seems to like me keeping her in the loop so I do it to sort of please her. Plus it tells her that I am still alive so that eases her anxiety a little.

An example of the Commitment to Treatment Statement is the following:

I, ________, agree to make a commitment to the treatment process. I understand that this means that I have agreed to be actively involved in all aspects of treatment including:
1) Attending sessions (or letting my therapist know when I can’t make it
2) Setting goals
3) Voicing my opinions, thoughts, and feelings honestly and openly with my therapist, whether positive or negative but most importantly my negative feelings
4) Being actively involved during sessions
5) Completing homework assignments
6) Taking medications as prescribed
7) Experimenting with new behaviors and new ways of doing things
8) Implementing my crisis response plan when needed
I also understand and acknowledge that, to a large degree, a successful treatment outcome depends on the amount of energy and effort I make. If I feel like treatment is not working, I agree to discuss this with my therapist and attempt to come to a common understanding as to what the problems are and identify potential solutions. In short, I agree to make a commitment to living. This will apply for the next ____ months at which time it will be reviewed and modified.
Signed_____
Date_____
Witness____

To me, as I have said before, this looks more like a basic agreement contract to therapy than it does for specifically suicidal thinking/behavior. The reason I bring it up is because most clinical therapist do not have such specific language in their agreement and I think it is important to work together in treatment. A client should always have a say in treatment, no matter if it is in psychotherapy or medicine. With a little modification of the wording, this statement can be used in any clinical scenario. It is basic and to the point. Clients should be active in the care but sometimes that is just not possible. I mean if you have a throat infection, you are not going to argue with your doctor about treatment. You will want the antibiotics so that the infection doesn’t spread and you get sicker (if it is a bacterial infection to begin with). But it gets trickier with something complex as say diabetes. This blog doesn’t deal with that so I won’t say anything further about it. Just know that you should always advocate for your say in treatment and ask questions about why you are being placed on medication or physical therapy or whatever your doctor prescribes.

Basically, I have to agree that this commitment to treatment statement (CTS) is better than a “no suicide” contract because it (CTS) allows open discussion and collaboration of treatment whereas the no suicide contract will just state that the client will not kill him/herself.

The second part of the CTS agreement is the Crisis response plan (CRP). It states:

When thinking about suicide, I agree to do the following:

Step 1: Try to identify my thoughts and specifically what’s upsetting me
Step 2: Write out and review more reasonable responses to my suicidal thoughts
Step 3: Do things that help you feel better for at least 30 mins (examples can include, trying to sleep, play internet games, brush hair 100 times, write in a journal, listen to music, etc)
Step 4: Repeat all of the above
Step 5: if thoughts continue, get specific and I find myself preparing to do something, I will call XXX @ 555-555-5555 or suicide hotline
Step 6: if I cannot reach above I will call my therapist or psychiatrist
Step 7: if I am still feeling suicidal and I don’t feel like I can control my behavior, I go to the ER or call 911 (or whatever the local emergency line is for your country).

Either plan is effective even though neither have been empirically tested. The CRP I have used in my treatment and I have found it useful. During one of my recent hospital stays, I actually gave out the CRP to other patients hoping they would benefit from its usefulness.

to go on living a life you don’t want to live

It’s wicked cold out today. I was going to go to the store to buy some half and half but I think I will wait till tomorrow. I can get my coffee at Starbucks before I meet up with my cousin for lunch. But that means no coffee for today and I am kind of grumpy.

I wanted to work on my book today but I think I am vetoing that idea. I just don’t have the brain power to do it. I was also thinking of working on this paper I conjured up but even the ideas for that have slipped out of thin air. I just can’t get motivated today. I know it’s because I haven’t had coffee in two days. I should steal my sister’s car and go out to Starbucks. But that would involve getting dressed and such. I am rather comfy in my bed right now. I don’t want to leave comfy confines for a freezing, windy day. Amazing to think how much coffee controls our lives. I know some people can’t handle it because of its side effects. But to know the true joy of having that first sip of coffee…that is profoundly so good. Unless you don’t have it because you are too friggen lazy to get out of bed and get half and half. Grrrrr. I am denying myself joy because of laziness. And now I am cold and need my long sleeved shirt…

OK enough about coffee. I am not getting it today because I am lazy. Enough said. I am having an argument with myself on my own blog about coffee…jeez this is funny! Or boring.

I have a ton of books to read but have not picked one up since I ended Team of Rivals. I just have the indecision factor going on because I have so many books to read I can’t choose which one to read. Do I want something about Lincoln again, the revolutionary war, the battles of the civil war, or a book about madness and creativity? I actually did start reading the madness and creativity one. But I usually have two books going at the same time. I don’t know why that is. I also have a book on bipolar disorder that I haven’t read since it came out. It’s probably outdated by now as they have newer treatments available. The book was written around the time when only Lithium, tegretol, and Depakote were the standards of treatment. Now they have much more to help.

I have been thinking about what I want to do for the month of December. It is going to be weird because I had set a date in December to kill myself and now it doesn’t look like that is going to be the case. I didn’t plan on having another birthday. I didn’t plan on seeing another new year come in. This sucks. Now what do I do? I plan on being a scrooge for my birthday. No extended family members allowed. Just the parents, my sisters, and their kids. My birthday is close to Christmas and I usually get shafted with gifts anyways. I always get one for each. I hate this time of the year. When people started posting the dates of Christmas getting closer, I unfriended them. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to have my wall filled up with the joy I never feel. I never feel happy at Christmas. I am always sad. I have thought of taking my life since I was nine around my birthday. Maybe one year I will succeed in doing it but not this year. And that to me hurts more than anything else, to go on living a life you don’t want to live.

another shitty night of sleep

I had another shitty night of sleep. I was in pain for most of the night and then when I woke up this morning, I was in the same amount of pain. So I took some pain meds, made breakfast, and then went back to sleep. I didn’t wake back up til after 3. I still am tired but not in so much pain. It has quieted down some, though I don’t know for how long.

I just had dinner a little while ago. I swear I could go back to sleep but I know that if I do, the same pattern of sleeping is going to resume and I am not going to get anything done. I still have to put my edits into the word document file. That is going to take some doing. And when I do it, I am shutting off my fricken phone because I don’t want any distractions. Even as I am typing this, some text messages are coming in or alerts for Words with Friends. I don’t need them. Ok I am a little grumpy because I have not had a good sleep and I am tired. If it wasn’t so late, I would probably go to Walgreens, get my half and half, and then make me a cup of coffee. But it’s after 6 now and if I have coffee now, I am going to be up half the night. I should make myself a cup of tea. That will wake me up but not keep me up. I really need to go to the grocery store this week (after Thanksgiving) to get more tea and pick up my coffee for the Keurig. Now that I have edited more than 100 pages, I can get my coffee reward. It might sound strange but it’s the little goals that keep you going when you are working on a project.

Last night I emailed my writing partner and told her I was thinking of going to Amazon for publishing and what did she think of it. I haven’t heard back because we really haven’t talked about how to get my book published other than me writing it. And I will be damned if this thing just sits around while time goes by. More and more people are publishing their stories about suicide. I would like to be among them. I also told her about my worries about the first few months of this being successful and then nothing. I just hope this doesn’t end up making me lose my disability. I will be so upset because it took me so long to reach that point to admit being disabled and go for it. And then I will be flipping out because I don’t know what I will do for income. But on the other hand, if my book is really successful, then I don’t have to worry about it. But I know it’s not so there is that fear as well.

Might write another blog later. I can’t keep up with this one so I will stop here.

I’m an idiot

I started writing a paper for today’s blog but I kept on getting distracted. I will have it for you probably tomorrow when I am more clearheaded.

I finally edited more than 100 pages for my book today. I am past page 100 so I only have about 60 more pages to go. Then I can go to the editor and see what she can do. I have to say that I am taking out more than I am putting in. This is going to be a short book. But I still have the intro and ending to do so maybe that will add some pages. I got some good news…the editor can take me earlier than I thought! I could have this baby done by March instead of later than that! I am excited. I just emailed her to see what her status was and if she is still interested in working with me. I just have to work out a payment plan or saving the money. I really want this to work and I am not the greatest at saving money. But I think I have worked out a plan. I just hope I don’t have to borrow money from my mother. That will suck because I don’t think she knows I am writing this book and I don’t want her to read it. She never really supports me like my sisters do. I don’t think she would approve. Granted I have kept talking about my family to a minimum.

My back is not doing well today. I was looking for the article for the paper I am writing and tweaked my back because of bending down and then my mother wanted help with her new “toy”: a hard floors cleaner. My back is so not happy with me right now. But I have meds to take care of it and some stretching to do later should it act up. It definitely didn’t like me kneading the muscles with my knuckles so I know it is angry. Plus the weather is not helping me. Fricken cold and rainy today. It was supposed to “warm up” but it never did. I think there is a possibility of snow if the temp continues to drop. FUN! I am not going out until Monday anyways. But I need some fricken half and half. I cannot believe I fricken placed an online order for Stop and Shop and forgot half and half for coffee. I am an idiot!