The new year started and I think I can finally come out of the closet as being a “girl” and tell my family I’m a guy. Then my menses started and I was really on edge. I told one of my sisters the week after new years and had a meltdown the whole weekend. It was crying from relief, frustration, anger, etc you name it. She was concerned about telling my mother and my other sister so I have decided to put that off for now.
Unfortunately this year has not started right. Week before, the dreaded menses started and have not stopped for the past 6 fucking weeks. I missed a pill because I was sick and that is how this whole thing started. I am so mad at myself because that is the one pill I take above all the others. I have had a mixture of break through bleeding and I just want it to stop so I can go back to being a man and wear my boxers again. I have to wear female underwear and I don’t like it at all. It is messing with my head. Here I was ready to come out as a guy and I am bleeding like a girl. Talk about head spinner. I feel humiliated beyond belief and I want to cut so bad. I’m fantasizing about how it will make me feel but I know that if I start I won’t be able to stop. It’s like a drug. The release is intense. Right now I’m feeling so numb that it might just help me feel something.
I hate not being able to control my menstrual cycle. I have to go back to the reproductive endocrine doc and I know she most likely will want to do the female exam I have been dreading. I feel so demoralized by this, so humiliated because I was a true man, this wouldn’t be happening. I’m so tired of not being a guy on the outside. I’m just about ready to end it all. I have time to write letters, to say I am sorry that I tried but my damn cycle fucked everything up for me. And I have to end it. I tried telling my psychiatrist this but I don’t think I got through.
My therapist has my suicide notes I wrote back in 2009. I just gave them to her to hold for me. They were written right before I was involuntarily hospitalized.
I figure if I cut it might let go some of the suicidal thoughts. I know that sounds stupid but I really think it might help. I can’t stand the pain of living this, this two lives bullshit anymore. I feel I have taken two steps back in this arena when I wanted to move forward. I hear the constant voice that says I will always be a little girl no matter what and I want it to shut up once and for all. I won’t be graphic about what I will do but I just think a little cut is all I need to get the stuff out of my head. Maybe then the pain will stop and I can feel normal again.
midnightdemons7 
Perhaps it’s because you’re a little more open to the internet world, but, I’ve known for a long time that you identify as male. I can’t imagine that it was a shock to your sister, or that it will be a shock to the rest of your family. I think they know it, but are in denial. Don’t hurt yourself. And please don’t put off coming out much longer. You deserve the relief.
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Mike, I wish I could offer you more support that words. I think you are doing the right thing, but I am also aware of the courage that it must need to come out of the closet as a man. But that is who you are, and I am sure if any of your family really stopped to think about it then they must realise that is who you really are… Whether they like it or not is actually irrelevant. Clearly, you were born with the wrong body.
I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through though. My own view is that society generally should not have a care when it comes to gender. I did some research, when we had the issue of the female athlete here in SA, who “failed” a sex test. Until then I thought that gender was fairly simple – all down to who has or doesn’t have the Y chromosome. But that is not the case at all…and there is no definite line between male and female. Add to that, gender roles are becoming increasingly out of date. Several of my friends have the male as house husband while the wife is the bread winner.
The clothing. I have always been envious of females, as there is a much much wider, and more exciting range of clothing in the women’s section than there is in the men’s. I love shopping for female clothing (not for myself, but for female friends), and I find shopping for myself, intensely boring. I end up wearing the same boring uniform for work, and often pretty much the same sort of clothing when not at work. But I also love going to a function where I have to dress up. Dinner jacket, with a freaky bow tie. Or any excuse to wear my kilt…the whole act of getting dressed with the sporran, the belts, the knife down my sock…the flashes on the socks (or hose, as they are called). I love it!! But normally it is boring chinos and a shirt. Yesterday it was really, really hot and humid in Pretoria, there we were, all the males in basically the same “uniform”, and I was really envious of the females, wearing sundresses, or light, short skirts, in really vibrant colours…
I know it is not just the clothing, but I have had to realise that gender roles too are unimportant. At home I cannot do many of the day to day tasks that society assumes as being male…sorting out the swimming pool, cleaning up after the dogs, changing light bulbs, and general DIY jobs. But instead I am happy doing the cooking, etc.
I guess I have always been like that a bit though. When I was at agricultural college (which was a very male environment), all the wannabe farmers would wear boring browns and greens corduroy and checked shirts. So I would wear pink and white…and took up knitting!! Just to be different maybe…but also I just found the clothing sooooooo boring!!
Love you Mike G for who you are! Please don’t cut yourself.
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