Feeling Nervous

Feeling Nervous

I am supposed to meet my psychiatrist tomorrow. Our last appointment was close to a month ago. I have been keeping in touch via email, sending her blunt feelings about my suicidality as well as blogs relevant to my suicidality and in general how I am doing. I am feeling nervous because there was an email I sent to her last week that basically told her that should I not show up for a future appointment, it is because I am dead. I think in that email, I told her I have a date but I don’t remember. I generally write cathartically so after I finish, it’s out of my mind so to speak. I never got a response from that email so I have no clue if she read it or not, so I could be worrying for nothing. Still, if she has read it, it’s going to be one interesting session.

Rain has started to fall and my ankle is kindly hurting me. I can’t sleep, though I took a nice two hour nap after dinner. My mother made escarole soup. There was no more chicken soup thank god. I wouldn’t have eaten it. I took a shower after the nap so I think that is why my ankle is cranky. I just took some pain meds so I hope it knocks me out soon.

Aside from feeling nervous, I am feeling depressed because I am in pain. It’s that same old thing every single night. I so want a break from it. I just have windows where I don’t have pain instead of more than a few hours. Then the pain meds wear off or I move my ankle and it starts all over again. How I miss the days when I didn’t have to take so many pain pills to get relief. There was a think on Twitter that said that tramadol is being abused in some countries because it’s “as potent as morphine”. I had to laugh. I was on tramadol and it was as effective as Tylenol in relieving my pain. It didn’t do shit. I know for some people it works but for me it didn’t help at all.

When I see my MD in December, I am going to ask for two more pills a day for my pain. The NP that I see really doesn’t give a shit about my pain. She just prints out the prescription and basically tells me to have a nice day. This is all in theory because I plan on ending things soon. The only person that can really stop me is my psychiatrist. That is why I am so nervous about my appointment tomorrow. If she feels I need to be in the hospital, I am going to be so screwed.

Being suicidal is a very ambivalent state. You want to die yet you yearn for hope to keep you here. Guilt also keeps you here, when it gets a hold of you. The guilt of those you leave behind who will be in pain from your loss. I wish I never knew about survivor loss and guilt surrounding it. Not knowing about it made having suicidal plans easier.

Advertisements

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Feeling Nervous

  1. Le says:

    I am alway feeling nervous
    I need some help

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s