Just a lazy Friday

Just a lazy Friday

I woke up around 8 this morning and used the bathroom. I then went back to sleep only to wake up around 1300. I made some coffee and reheated some Lo Mein. That was all that my foot needed to explode. I was going to make my pumpkin cake today but I am not, even though it’s an easy recipe. I just don’t want to exert myself and then be toast tomorrow. I really want to go to the party tomorrow night. I am just going to try and rest today and stay off my foot as much as possible.

It’s raining today so I guess that is a good thing as I planned on killing myself today. I guess my time isn’t up yet. I am feeling pretty sad at this and angry. My therapist texted me last night. I told her to give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill myself and she gave me a couple. She said that I was worthwhile and valuable. Then the voices in my head started calling me a turd and a shithead. So I went to sleep with that in my head.

I wanted to work on my book but I am getting drowsy from the pain meds. I thought the coffee I had would offset the side effects but I was wrong. I don’t really care. I am listening to country radio and thinking of my friend. I feel sad knowing that she is gone. Her daughters are devastated. I can only imagine how her husband of 40 years feels. He is doing some running thing in DC. He is running in her honor.

I am feel really low. I also feel defeated, like something has been taken from me and I can’t get it back. I really don’t want to be anymore. If the weather was better, I might have still gone through with my plan. It just gives me another opportunity at another point in time. I feel risky because I can do it at any time. I don’t have to have a date. I just need to “snap” and have it be a nice day out. Of course, winter is on it’s way so there aren’t going to be that many nice days left. Birthday Month is coming up. I don’t know how I am going to handle all of this. I just don’t want to live anymore.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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