A Shitty Saturday

A Shitty Saturday

It’s another dreary, cold day, despite the sun being out. It could just be that I don’t feel well and my ankle hasn’t stopped hurting me since I woke up this morning. I had a good dream that I woke up from, weird but good.

I planned on making Shepard’s pie today but my mother is making pork chops so I will make it for tomorrow. Besides, I am not really up to being on my feet. Just making coffee killed me. I had two pieces of my cranberry cake for breakfast and that has been all I have had to eat today, so far.

My cold is quickly moving towards my lungs as my cough is getting worse. I hate being sick. My Buckeyes are losing right now so I am in a mood. This game will determine whether they will go to a championship game so they really need to win.

I got an alumni high school hoodie I have been meaning to buy but was waiting for it to be on sale. Then I found out this morning one of my high school teachers passed away last night. I feel really sad about this. She was a good teacher, always had energy that rubbed off on you. My thoughts and prayers go out to her family.

I also bought a couple of SE Hinton books and a DVD. Next I need to buy Christmas gifts and I will be all set. I just plan on getting gift cards for my family. I will get them tomorrow when I go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. If I didn’t feel so shitty, I‘d go today. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

I don’t get why my damn ankle/foot is hurting when I rested for at least nine hours straight. It doesn’t make any sense. Any slight movement I make today bothers it. I am so sick of this gnawing pain. I just want it to go away and stay away. It just feels so hopeless because I know it won’t. There is nothing I can do about it anymore. What used to work doesn’t. It’s really depressing. I am sure having a cold isn’t helping it, other than keeping me off my feet. But even that hasn’t worked. If I lie down, it flares up worse than sitting. All I can do it take pain pill after pain pill. I am so tired of fighting this bullshit. I just want to fucking die. Why is that so difficult? I mean, it was never easy to begin with, but dammit. People die all the fucking time, why can’t I be one of them?

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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