I had put on my “do not disturb” function on my phone and I thought my alarm would ring despite that. I was wrong. I slept through my grocery delivery. Now it will have to be delivered tomorrow. The guy was nice and waved the restock fee as it was my first time missing it. I know that I am not going to do that again!

After I made a few phone calls, I went back to sleep. I wanted to make coffee but my pillow was calling me. So I slept most of the afternoon. I guess all the meds that I took yesterday to sleep, caught up with me today. I am just so tired. My foot has been acting up but I had avoided taking pain meds because I didn’t want to sleep through dinner. I just took some now. I hope the pain doesn’t get worse. I really don’t want to take the strong pain pill this early in the evening.

Tomorrow I have therapy. I feel like it’s going to be awkward as we haven’t talked in three weeks. I am nervous about it. I feel more nervous that I am not going to talk to her next week either, that the time we had for a month from now will be the time we next talk. I don’t like this arrangement at all. And I am wicked pissed off that she just gave my times away and now she has to wait for a cancellation to fit me in. WTF. I still am so mad she decided to meet monthly and not discuss it with me first. I seriously, at the time, was like fuck you anyways, but I didn’t think getting in to see her would be so damned difficult.

I was talking with a psychologist friend of mine on Twitter. I sent him a DM about my situation and he said he is going to make some calls to some therapists he knows that takes my insurance. I guess when those names comes in, it will really be final that my therapist and I are through. After sixteen years, I still can’t believe it. My psychiatrist says that it’s not my fault. But that doesn’t make me feel any better.

I think I was talking to one of my friends last night before going into oblivion about how I will have to “train” a new therapist in my suicidal ways to help me. The idea of having to do this again just fills me with dread. I don’t know if a new therapist will be open to new ideas or just stuck in their way of treating suicidal patients. If that is the case, it’s not going to fucking work. I can’t work with someone with a “no suicide contract”. Those just don’t work as I can just find a loophole. The whole process is just leaving me feeling so damn nervous. It just makes me say fuck it and just go through with my plan anyways. I just feel so hopeless.

Last night I was having a hard time and I talked with my friend in Canada. We have been through a lot of shit together with CES. And we both get each other. She made me laugh and forget about my troubles for a bit. It was good talking to her. I got her payment for my book today. I will go to the bank on Friday as I am not sure I can use mobile deposit as it’s a money order.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

3 thoughts on “Overslept”

  1. Good for you for reaching out and networking with your friend who is going to see other therapists on your insurance. I flunked intake for group dbt and am in preparatory one on one. For now. Maybe you’ll like this video…if you’re a chick or even if you’re not. I am depressed again too. There are no more antidepressants to take. I’m scared.

  2. i’m glad you got to talk to a good friend and that she made you laugh and forget for a while. hope the therapy situation gets fixed soon. I slept earlier and so now I am up and probably will be up for hours. xxx

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