up early in the morning

Up early in the morning

I woke up around 0028 and I am still up. I just can’t seem to settle down. Then my eyeball got really itchy. I thought I was going to scratch it out. I put in some eye drops and that seems to have done the trick. I think I got more drops on my face than in my eye, but that’s ok. I always do.

I am in a terrible frame of mind. I want to email my psychiatrist and tell her that Friday will be our last meeting and that I won’t see her anymore. I know that if I do that, she will likely become concerned and I might have to go in the hospital, involuntarily. I don’t know what to do. I am meeting with my therapist today, in less than 12 hours from now. I can’t let her know what my plans are because we are on the fritz. I don’t think she has earned that right to know my business anymore, including my suicidal thoughts. What is she going to do anyways when I can’t see her anymore? I doubt I will be able to see her next week. Her schedule is too “packed”.

I haven’t heard back from my psychologist friend on Twitter. I will give him a few days to help me, not that it really matters that much. If I don’t go through with my plans, at least I will have someone to call. Therapist #15 awaits me somewhere. I hope it’s worthwhile this time around.

When I was checking my messages when I got up, I had a FB message from my friend that really pissed me off. I told her not to send me those types of messages. And to think before sending. It really upset me because she knows I went to bed, yet still continued to ramble. WTF.

I don’t know why I feel so shitty (mentally). I slept for approximately two hours, but I have been sleeping all day. Now I am up and want to go back to sleep but I am feeling really hot. I am debating putting on my ceiling fan. I don’t know why it’s so hot in my room. It’s not that cold outside. I have been having hot and cold flashes through out the day. I don’t know why. That is the million dollar question.

I am really nervous to talk to my therapist after not speaking to her for about two weeks. It feels longer than that. I am going to bring up the fact that our meetings should be reconsidered and that this monthly business is ridiculous. I also want to understand why my blogs “pushed” her away. I thought therapy was a place to share your feelings, good or bad, and to learn from them. All I have learned was that sharing is a big mistake. I feel like I am being punished for speaking my mind. I won’t ever share a blog with a therapist ever again. That tool that I thought was a good idea has backfired on me and now I lost a therapist in the process. It all just sucks big time. I never would have thought that after 16 years or working with someone, it would be over because of a transference issue. I always thought transference was a good thing in therapy. Guess I was wrong.

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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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