did a lot but didn’t

Did a lot but didn’t

I woke up before 0500, again. I didn’t want to take anything to get back to sleep because I had an early morning delivery. Luckily, I fell back to sleep within an hour or so. Then my alarm went off and I felt worse. I kept an ear out for my text message and my delivery finally came around 0930. My neighbor had ordered some stuff too, so they delivered to her place first. It was freezing out and like a dummy, I didn’t wear a long sleeve shirt. I froze while waiting for the guy.

I put all my yummy groceries away. I was very tired afterwards. I wanted to eat something but sleep over came me. I went up stairs and crashed. I woke up around noon or so. I called my mother to see if she had taken anything out for dinner. My phone had problems connecting to a landline. It was pissing me off so I used my mother’s phone to call her. She didn’t take anything out so she will have my Shepard’s pie.

I didn’t do much the rest of the afternoon. My ankle was really hurting so I took a strong pain pill. I was in and out of touch with reality. Time went by in a blur. My mother called me a little after 1500 asking me when I was going to start cooking. I told her in a half hour. It’s a simple recipe so wouldn’t take me long to cook. I had everything done by 1630. After we finished, my mother said I had to do the dishes. Fuck. I hate doing dishes and there was a sink full. I rested as much I could before I was getting sleepy again. I almost took a bath while washing the damn dishes and pans. My back was not liking me standing and neither was my ankle. I hurried as fast as I could.

I finished and then went upstairs to rest again. Except my ankle exploded and then got cold because my room was cold. I had the window open all day because my room was a sauna. Now it’s nice and comfortable but it was too cold for my foot. I shut the window and the ceiling fan then threw on my thermal socks. I figured I might as well write before I went back to sleep. I am really tired for doing nothing most of the day.

I never got a call from the therapist I called yesterday. It’s putting me in a dark mood. I got a text from my former therapist saying she got my book, finally. My head is just missing someone to talk to at this point. I really need someone to vent to about my pain, someone understanding and gets it without trying to fix me or suggest things. Dealing with pain the last two days straight has not been good. I’m not suicidal, yet. I just can’t handle the amount of pain that I have been in. Lying down has made things worse so resting has been difficult. I get relief while I sit up. A few times, I have caught myself falling asleep because I am just so tired.

Tomorrow is my father’s birthday. I need to call the church to see if we can have a mass for him near his anniversary that is coming up next month. I wanted to have funds in my account in case they needed a donation or something to do it. Saturday we are going to spread his ashes at the track. I know he would have liked that. Sunday we are planning on seeing my aunt, if she is up for it.

I didn’t get my dark chocolate almond milk with my grocery order, but I got regular almond milk. I plan on having my cocoa pebbles later tonight. I was going to have them after I put my groceries away but I was just too tired. Even now I am feeling wicked exhausted. I just want to sleep. Think I will take my night time meds and call it a day.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to did a lot but didn’t

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    I hope your ok. I am thinking of you. Sending good thoughts. xx

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