Month: March 2017

Blizzard on National Pi Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blizzard on National Pi Day

We got some snow this morning when I woke up in pain around 7. I went to the bathroom and then checked the conditions. It was barely snowing so I thought that was going to be it. I was wrong. Two hours later it was really coming down and the wind hasn’t stopped howling. We usually get a drift by our back door on our porch. Now it’s towards the wall as that is where the wind is pushing all the snow. Most of the shingles are covered in snow on that side of the house. It’s really cold and of course our heating system isn’t working right. My brother in law had to tinker with it so I am freezing in my room.

I haven’t been in a great mood most of the day. Suicide has been on my mind for some reason, though I don’t feel really depressed. I got a call from a therapist who referred me to another therapist. I will google her later. I am not up to searching for therapists. I have to get the spelling of her last name though so I might so a reverse lookup with the phone number he gave. He also didn’t specify what degree she was. Not that it really matters. You don’t need a PhD to be a good therapist.

My sister invited us down for dinner tonight. She is making lasagna. Not one of my favorite dishes but I will eat it to be polite. My mother is making a coffee cake and some asparagus. We have no idea how the asparagus came to us as she didn’t buy it. It was just put on the kitchen table. I know I didn’t buy it because I don’t buy vegetables. I always get yelled at because they are either poor quality or I spend too much for it. I have no idea what to look for when buying so I just leave it to my mother. She has to cook it anyways so better she buy it.

I took a nap after I had breakfast. I was dreaming about Richard Gere for some reason. If I was straight, I would be so after him. He is so handsome. But it wasn’t that kind of a dream. We were working together doing something though I don’t remember what. I woke up from the dream and wanted to make coffee. I was congested so was coughing up stuff and gagging on it. It was making my mother cold because I was just in a T-shirt. I didn’t care. It was cold in the kitchen and my brother in law was inspecting the heat. He says it’s on but it doesn’t feel like it is. The wind is making the house feel much colder.

Boston already cancelled school for tomorrow. I haven’t heard anything about my city. I won’t be too surprised because if Boston cancels, usually other cities and towns follows. It was good that not too many people were on the roads. The Lt. Governor showed a video of a semi wiping out on the Zakim Bridge. If there were cars in front of the trailer, they would have been smashed. It would have been a bad scene.

I have been following the Zero Suicide chat on Twitter that is going on in Missouri. One of my friends is tweeting about it and is being totally hysterical. It cheered me up some.

Despite having coffee, I still feel tired. My mother just called me to say that dinner is ready if I want to go down to my sister’s. I told her I would after I finish this blog. A lot of people have been reading my “Knackered” blog today and been commenting on it. It’s one of my most read blogs and I am very proud of it. It is also a chapter in my memoir, “Midnight Demon”. It makes me feel good to know that it helps people know that they are not alone with Cauda Equina Syndrome and its affects. I usually share my Facebook group or the website for the private Yahoo group. Some people prefer one or both to get support. I should probably create a support page but most people don’t read my pages unless it brings them to them via a search. Or they are just exploring my blog. I have a few CES pages up.

calm before the storm

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Calm before the storm

It’s a nice day today, though it is cold. Sun is out and I was able to do errands after I had my coffee. I really wanted to go back to sleep when I woke up but I forced myself to make the coffee and then get dressed to go out. Even though it was cold, I was sweating by the time I left the store. It was wicked warm while waiting to be checked out. I am so glad I didn’t wear my heavy sweatshirt. I would have melted! Tomorrow we are supposed to have a huge snow storm. So figures today is nice and tomorrow will be hell. I bet they are going to close schools and stuff. They are already asking people to not be on the roads unless they have to be and to use public transportation when possible.

While I was out, I went to the store to get cocoa pebbles. They had Fruity pebbles but not cocoa. I was bummed. I got some granola square cereal instead. I hope it’s good. It’s new and expensive but I didn’t care. I needed good cereal. I should have bought cocoa puffs like I have been craving but the pebbles were a good substitute.

My psych got back to me and I have an appointment to see her Friday, which is good because I need a bunch of refills. She read the blog I sent her last night. It was one that I wrote last year about my depression and how I wish I could die from my illness like my father was going to die from his. This is what I wrote that really touched on the struggle with mental illness: “Waiting is something I should be used to with this thing but I am just like my father in that I want to be better now, not later. Unfortunately, that’s not how mental illness works. With my father, he isn’t going to get better. He is going to get worse and then die. I wish I had that luxury, too”.

I made a bacon sandwich for lunch. My ankle is not happy with me. But I don’t have to do anything else for the day. My mother will be making sausages and potatoes for supper. It’s one of my favorite dishes. I can smell it and it smells so awesome. It’s making me hungry. I guess the Neurontin I had last night is increasing my appetite. I just want to eat today. I might have some Oreos as my sweet tooth is being activated. I already had three pieces of dark chocolate but I still want something more. I hate when my appetite is out of control and I am trying to control it.

I called another therapist to see if he was taking new clients. If he isn’t, I am not calling anymore and will just wait to see what my psychiatrist can do. I have a feeling I might have to call the hospital triage line to get a therapist at the hospital where my psych works. That is my last resort.

Today is National Napping Day so I am going to take a nap after I finish writing this blog. I didn’t sleep well last night. I again was up until 0400. I just couldn’t settle down. I was in pain and was just waiting for my pain meds to work and then I got my second wind so it was hard to get to sleep. I had to take an Ativan to relax enough to conk out. I hope tonight is better but I don’t know.

Well, they have called a snow emergency so schools and public libraries are closed tomorrow. My niece was home sick today so she gets another day off. I knew my city was going to freak out about the snow. Soon as the weatherman says the “S” word, the city goes nuts.

Sunday Blog 24

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 24

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was up till 0400 or so. I couldn’t settle down because of pain and then my anxiety shot up because I was in pain. I had to take another Ativan to get to sleep. I felt like paging my psych but I knew she would just tell me to take an Ativan and try and get some sleep. I slept most of the day, though I was up in the morning. I finally had a BM, though now I am scared because when I woke up I took two more fiber pills before I went. That could be trouble.

I participated in BPD chat this afternoon. It was good and I got a couple of new follows. I don’t know if I will chat with these people but whatever. Lately my tweets have been centered around my pain issues more than my mental status. I have a friend on Facebook that wants me to try some lotion that she found on the site. I am weary because they don’t really work the way they say they do. Then you are on their email list forever.

I talked my mother into making pancakes for supper. It made me happy. I love her pancakes. They are just regular ones, not the kind I make. I think she double batched the recipe so she can have more to save for later. I got hungry afterwards despite have six pancakes. I really haven’t eaten anything all day so I am making up for it now. I had the leftover Chinese food from last night.

Pain has been up and down for most of the day. I had to take some pain meds when I woke up from my nap because I was really hurting. I woke up with a headache that I am still trying to make go away. I am not sure it is a migraine or not. But it is annoying me.

I emailed my psychiatrist late last night. I thought she would respond but she hasn’t yet. I really need an appointment with her as I need refills on a few of my meds. Actually, all my meds that I take for psych I need a refill on. I also want to ask her if I could take my BP pill as a PRN for when the PTSD gets activated rather than always using Ativan to calm me down. Ativan works, don’t get me wrong, I just don’t want to be dependent on it.

I got to take my meds soon, but first I need to fill my box. I meant to do it earlier today but never got around to it. It’s like if I don’t do things when I first think of them, they just don’t get done. I should have done it last night while I was up so damn late. I am just glad I didn’t turn suicidal. The pain was manageable but it was still causing me anxiety because my last three toes are numb. I couldn’t feel them when I touched them. That would explain why they feel “weird”. I don’t know why they are numb all of a sudden. I am not having any other symptoms of CES. I can’t move my toes on that foot because of the nerve damage I suffered. It’s worse now with the pain syndrome. The numbness really set off my PTSD and it took forever for me to relax and realize I didn’t have to go to the ER or have surgery or anything else that was running through my head at the time. It’s scary stuff going through something so life changing. It haunts you. If I didn’t have a time bomb of all herniated discs in my back, I wouldn’t be so worried. But all my discs are herniated and that is cause for concern because one wrong move or fall or something can mean more surgery and more nerve damage. I really don’t want that to happen to me. I think if I got CES for the third time, I would kill myself rather than go through a rehab process again or try to learn to walk again. Twice was enough for me.

Random 115

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 115

I thought I would read for a little bit before bed to quiet my thoughts so I could sleep. I read for about two hours and when I finished the chapter, I wasn’t sleepy. I am wide awake and it’s taken me a while to settle down. So I am doing my writing thing to help my brain process what I read and hopefully sleep.

I am reading about Robert Lowell. He is an American writer/poet who suffers from severe manic-depression illness, otherwise known as Bipolar Disorder. The author, Kay Redfield Jamison, hate the term bipolar so uses the more descriptive and old fashioned term, Manic-Depression. I feel for this guy because he was born at a time when there was really nothing that could be done for him, medication wise. Lithium was around but they were still learning its properties and there was nothing else. Thorazine was around but it helped to calm people down. It really didn’t help stabilize the individual suffering and it sure as hell didn’t help with the depression side of things.

I am glad this guy wasn’t prone to suicidal tendencies because he would have attempted and probably would have died by it. He had a long history of mental illness in his family line but no suicides. People in his line just died from “insanity”.

It got me thinking about my illness and how it can get really bad and go from bad to worse in a heartbeat. I have been dealing with pain most of the day. I haven’t taken my strong pain pill because I am coping okay with the intensity of the pain, even though it caused me a huge anxiety attack earlier. Man, it was terrible. I hate anxiety more than I do the depression. But my PTSD was set off because the pain was coming in spurts and it just triggered me. I knew I was okay and that I wasn’t being harmed. But I was still scared that something serious was wrong and I couldn’t shake that feeling. The more I thought about my pain, the more anxious I became. I was waiting for the Ativan to work but it’s slow. I have to wait at least 20-30 minutes and that is like a lifetime when your heart is pounding and you are thinking the world is coming to an end.

After my attack, I was thinking about what to do for next time. I am going to ask my psych if taking my blood pressure pill as a PRN would be good for the PTSD and anxiety. I have a BP monitor so I can check my BP so it doesn’t get too low. I don’t know if she will be agreeable to this idea, but I am tired of taking Ativan because I don’t want to become dependent on it. I already take at least 2 mg a day. I don’t want to take more and would like to take less.

I think one reason I am coping better with the pain is the increase in Zoloft two weeks ago. It wasn’t much, just 50 mg, but I can feel different in how I handle my pain. I don’t automatically think about suicide when the pain reaches top levels. I am able to think what can I do to relieve my pain and usually that means taking the strong pain pill a little more frequently than I have been. Granted between me being wicked inactive this week and just taking these meds, I have become really constipated. I haven’t gone since Tuesday and now I will need reinforcements to go. I started with fiber pills today. I took three pills. I will take two more in the morning. And just go from there. If I don’t go by tomorrow night, I will take miralax. I hate having to take all this stuff just to go, but you need to go. Luckily, I don’t feel that uncomfortable, yet. I guess that is a good thing when your nerves don’t work right. I have a friend that gets really uncomfortable if she doesn’t go every day. I’m glad I never had that problem. I am afraid of going though because I know it’s going to hurt and might cause a nerve pain attack. Those are the worse because there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait it out.

I started thinking about what I want to write next. I really don’t know. But I am thinking about it. I might try my hand at some fiction. But I am really bad with dialogue. I have been making mental notes when I read something. How it’s worded and where the quotes are placed. Stuff like that. I would like to take a class on it and I think the place I had that workshop did have a course on dialogue. Maybe I will look it up tomorrow. I am getting tired and an internet search might cause me to wake up. I hate it when I start getting on the computer and you have one thing in mind but get distracted by other things. Then you never do the thing you were suppose to do.

Later today, I need to go to the store and get Cocoa Pebbles. It’s my new favorite cereal. I go through phases with liking cereal. Some times it’s one brand over another for a while. Some times it’s two kinds that I like and will switch off on them, only because there is no room in the cupboard for two boxes. Then I will go through periods where I won’t have any cereal for a while. Nature Valley just came out with a new cereal and I might try that. I love granola. I just wish it wasn’t so expensive.