ramblings 151

Ramblings 151

I was bored so did some shopping on Amazon. I really shouldn’t have as my funds are getting low. Then, of course, it recommended stuff to me. I found a Moleskin notebook that I plan on getting when I get paid next. It’s sapphire blue, my favorite color and 240 pages. It will make for a decent journal.

The Sox won so I have decided to get a frame for the WinDanceRepeat photo that I have, which prompted my shopping on Amazon. I need a frame for the photo so I can hang it up. Maybe it will give them the luck they need to keep on winning games. It’s getting close to do or die time. They are in first place with a 4 game lead. I don’t know if the Skankees played today or not. My Twitter feed was filled with stupid shit. One of the people I followed was posting youtube videos so that is all I saw, which made me bored. I was too lazy to go to MLB.com to check out the scoreboard. I am sure I will find out sooner or later.

My weird pain that I had earlier today has returned. It went away with meds but I think it wore off and now it has returned. I don’t know if I will sleep. I got a lot on my mind tonight so decided to write again to try and sort it out. Or I could just talk about nothing but whatever comes to mind.

I am still feeling happy about having a concrete diagnosis about my pain. I was talking to my next door neighbor. She was dogsitting another neighbor’s dog. Surprisingly, the dog let me pet her. Usually she sniffs me and then walks away. I told her that after 7 years, I finally have a diagnosis and don’t have to see anymore docs, except for the ones I am seeing. The new doc that I am seeing in Oct is the only new doc that I will see, unless he refers me to the CRPS specialist in his practice. I am so tired of seeing docs who have no idea what is wrong with me and then brush me off or send me to another doctor or physical therapy. The last physiatrist I saw didn’t think I had CRPS, which then planted the doubts in my mind and my PCP’s. He also stupidly diagnosed me with Morton’s Neuroma, which I do not have. He squeezed the side of my foot that hurts me and that was why I screamed at him. I tried to explain that to him but it was too late. He already made up his mind that was what I had. Jerk off. I never went back to see him. When I see my neuro in a couple weeks, I will tell her to send her notes to the new neuro and my PCP. I am going to ask that those notes to my PCP have bullet points and exclamation marks and highlights. This way here when I see him in Oct, the ass doesn’t say I need to see another damn doctor and it’s clear that I do have CRPS. I think the new neuro is before his appt. I need to check my calendar.

I haven’t thought much about therapy. I suppose I should give it some thought but it’s not there. I wish he was a little more clear about the “other stuff” that I think about that is causing the symptoms of PTSD. I kind of know where he is coming from but it would be nice for him to say the words. Maybe one day I will write out the story of my second life that I lived in my fantasy world that I had to create to survive my childhood. I don’t know if it will be a blog or not. Might just be a word doc for a while. It was quite elaborate. I had such imagination at that age. It’s too bad I never wrote anything down that was useful. I was always afraid of being found out so I wrote in code and then later when I read it, I had no idea what the hell was going on.

Last night when I had the stabbing, tearing, twisting knife pain flare up, I distracted myself by watching my favorite movie, The Waterboy with Adam Sandler. I love that movie. I really want to watch Titanic but I have no idea what I did with the DVD. It’s somewhere in my room as I recently bought it. I had to buy another copy because I only had disc 1. I thought about watching Lincoln again but really didn’t feel like watching a 3 hour movie. I really want to watch Money Pit but I have no idea where that DVD is. I think it is in my case but I don’t know where that is. I don’t remember what I did with it. I think it is buried somewhere in my room. I’ll find it when I go looking for something else. That is how it works.

My foot is throbbing. It just hit midnight and I am tired but can’t seem to fall asleep. I am in a lot of pain. I want to get my haircut tomorrow. I just hope I can walk. I want to go in the morning because my pain levels are lower. I look like a chia pet right now as my hair has grown out. I want to feel the baldness of my head again. Just the back and sides. The top I leave a little something.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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