no McDonalds today

No McDonalds today

I had breakfast and made coffee. I went up to my room to read and drink my coffee. I finished the book The Adventures of Maya the Bee. It was a cute little story. After finishing my coffee and the book, I was getting hungry and wondering what to make for lunch. I was thinking of going into town so I could get McDonalds as there is not one in my town that is easy to get to. There is one on the border but getting back home would be a hassle. But those thoughts faded as my pain shot up from a 5 to a 20 in a heartbeat. I was hurting and still am, so bad that the pain brought tears to my eyes. I couldn’t move my ankle at all and then it started pulsating. I took the strong pain med because I can’t take the regular med for another couple of hours. I also took an Ativan to calm myself as I am just craze with suicidal ideas right now. I felt like emailing my psych that I would take the bottle of Neurontin and call it a day but knew that would get a phone call. I put on Pearl Jam and tried to distract until the pain meds and Ativan work their magic.

The pain is down to the bone so I doubt lidocaine can reach it. It feels like someone is stabbing me and pulling me apart at the same time. It’s awful. I just want to chop my ankle off. Or die. I just feel really horrible. I want to take a nap but I fear that lying down will increase my pain and set off PTSD.

My neurologist got back to me last night. I am really happy to say that she does think I have CRPS, so it’s no longer a guessing game. She does want me to see the new neurologist that I have an appt with in Oct. See what he thinks. She asked if they were a part of the system and I told her he was. I forgot to ask her to send off a flare gun to my PCP to tell him that I do indeed have CRPS and to stop sending me to every Tom, Dick, and Mary that has an MD. I am tired of seeing doctors. I have no idea what this neuro in Oct is going to say or do. It’s at 0800 so my pain levels will be low, provided I get enough sleep to make the appt.

My mother came home from shopping. She was at my Aunt’s house before she went shopping. Then when she came home, she got into an argument with her on the phone. I had to stop the music I was listening to to see what all the yelling was about, and who was yelling. It was my mother. I called her when she hung up and she was very annoyed. I asked if she was okay and she just said yeah. I left it at that. I really didn’t care what the argument was about, probably something stupid. I just hate when my mother gets aggravated because of her heart condition.

I’m trying to think of ways to soothe myself while my ankle is going off like fireworks but nothing is really working. Pearl Jam is helping to take my mind off the stupid pain. I can’t go on Twitter because the feed is all about the situation with North Korea and the US. Two toddler leaders with nukes is not a very good situation. And the Cheeto keeps saying there is a “leak” in reports when he, himself, is the leaker as he tweets about things he shouldn’t. Dumbass. Wish someone would take his phone or whatever he is using to tweet away from him. WWIII doesn’t need to be started because of an insult.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to no McDonalds today

  1. G. Collerone says:

    Thanks. Pain has been off and on all day. Fine one minute and the next I can’t move. Just hope I can sleep tonight

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    I hope the pain is less by now. I am thinking of you. xxx

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