pdoc, pain, and other things

Pdoc, pain, and other things

I woke up early despite going to bed late. My text alert for the bus I take was going off so thought it was my alarm. My psych sent me an email about the time I woke up to reschedule our appt to an earlier time. That was fine with me. I took a shower and then tried to go back to sleep but I got hungry. I left to catch the bus for the Square so I could eat at Starbucks. I knew it was going to be a long day but I can rest the weekend.

I picked up my scripts at my PCP’s office and then went to my psych’s building. When the time for our appt approached, my ankle bone started hurting and then my toe bones did too. Fuck. I didn’t have medication on me to take because I forgot to refill my pill pack. While I met with my doc, my ankle really hurt and I almost let out a yell while she was looking at my labs. I told her the Invega was causing weight gain. She said I needed fasting blood work and she lowered my dose. Hopefully that helps and I don’t hear the bad voices again. I have been doing well with this med. But I don’t want to weigh 300 pounds either. I have been careful with eating but my appetite sometimes get the better of me. I have a sweet tooth but I am not eating candy all the time or sweets. Mostly it’s regular food but in large quantities. I don’t feel full until my stomach hurts.

We also discussed my ankle pain. She wanted me to see my PCP but he didn’t have any openings until Tuesday. She wants me to bring up the blood work up with him, in case he decides to order anything. I hate getting my blood drawn because I am hard stick. I am going to requested a referral to occupational health to see if they can provide some brace I can walk around the house in to keep my ankle stable. It doesn’t like to be flexed when it goes out and then becomes so painful, I can bear weight on it, making walking really difficult. I can’t use the AFO in the house because I have too many stairs. If my proprioception (sense of sensing, basically) wasn’t off, I don’t think it would be a problem. I just don’t want to fall down the stairs because I couldn’t sense where my foot is and with the AFO, it’s harder to sense where it is. I did buy an ankle support off Amazon that will be coming with today’s mail. It’s a short term fix and I have no idea if it will help but it’s worth a shot.

My fricken ankle is hurting so bad right now, it’s not funny. It’s throbbing and stabbing me. Half my foot and ankle hurts. If I could cut it off, I would. As I was leaving the hospital, I saw a guy with a prosthetic ankle and I was so envious. I know amputation has its own pain but it can’t be worse than what I am going through. I wish I could say this was my “normal” pain but it’s not. It’s bone pain and it’s getting more and more frequent. I don’t like the way this condition is progressing. I have started taking 1000 mg of vitamin C to see if that can help with the pain. I’ve been on it a week now and there has been no change. I am going to give it a month and see if it helps. I am trying to get on top of the pain but it keeps fucking changing and I can’t keep up. Like I wrote the other night, it’s not like I can say okay at this time, I am going to feel this so I should take this med now. Doesn’t work that way and by the time you feel the pain, you are stuck with it for more than hour because that is how long it takes the pills to fucking work. But then the physical pain changes to nerve pain so you need to take another med for that. It’s a never ending game you play. I am sick of it. I want off the rollercoaster, permanently! I hope my PCP can help me or I’ll tell him to fuck off. But the appt is at 0800 so my pain levels are going to be low. Just shoot me now.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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