hurting Saturday

Hurting Saturday

I woke up at 6 in pain. The ankle brace I was wearing was digging into me. I took some meds and then went back to sleep, not caring if I never woke up again. Unfortunately, I did, around 1300. It hurt to move my ankle. I took some pain meds and went downstairs. I thought about brushing my teeth but I was going to eat so what would be the point. My mother had made some fried eggplant so I had some of that and then a bowl of cocoa pebbles. Then I made Hawaiian coffee. It was perfect, even if I was in pain.

I thought about reading a book when I went back upstairs to my room, but read Twitter instead. Someone on Facebook posted a pic of a response to Cheeto’s “Merry Christmas” campaign. I tweeted the pic to the jerk. I really detest him and hate Congress more for keeping him where he is instead of getting rid of him before he causes a war.

The music in my head got really loud. I emailed my psych again, saying I think it is dependent on my pain levels because I have noticed that when I am in a lot of pain, the music is louder than it normally is. I played my new favorite album by Eric Church, Mr. Misunderstood. I had his new single, Round Here Buzz, on repeat. I love this song. I was so happy to hear it on the radio the other day. Now I just hope they release “Mixed drinks about feelings”. Love that song too. There really isn’t a song on this album that I don’t like. I have listened to it for days when I first bought it. The music is so good.

I am really tired. I don’t think I am going to make it to keep track of the OSU/NEB game tonight. It’s going to be hard to watch because I love both teams. But I have a feeling NEB is going to get crushed. OSU is just a really good team.

Going to lie down and hope this pain goes away. If this is a nerve injury, then I think my nerve is shocking my bones really bad right now. It’s so painful. I put lidocaine on and it didn’t do anything. I am so upset over this. The last few days I have been in such a bad mood. Feeling hopeless is the worst of it. I just want to die. I don’t see a reason to go on. What is the point? More pain?

Monday I have therapy. I really don’t want to go. I just don’t see the point. Course, I don’t see the point in anything right now. I just keep on going and not quite sure where I am going.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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