rollercoaster of a day

Rollercoaster of a day

I woke up after 8. I tried to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. I got up and used the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and then went back up to my room. I wanted to be at the courthouse around 11 or so. I left around 0930 to the Square to get breakfast and my espresso. The bus was early as they had earlier delays. I wasn’t complaining. I got to Starbucks and their oven was broke so I couldn’t get a hot breakfast sandwich. The girl knew me so gave me two comp cards. I thought that was nice of her. I drank my espresso and wrote in my journal. I left around quarter of 11 to catch the bus to the courthouse. I wasn’t in too much pain and I hope it stayed that way. I wore a short sleeved shirt and it was cold. I was hoping it was going to warm up but it never did. I went to the courthouse okay and was in and out. I got my paperwork. It is now legal. I am G Collerone. I was on cloud nine but I did but didn’t feel good about it. I took a pic of the doc and sent it to everyone. Without me realizing it, my phone made a copy of each text I sent. I have like 10-15 copies of the 1 pic I sent out. I’ll delete them when I am bored.

I had to come home and get a sweatshirt. While waiting for the bus at the train station, a homeless man approached me wanting me to play him a song on my phone. As I was pulling up the song, my bus came and said sorry, got to go. I went to the back of the bus. He came on the bus and stunk it up with his booze smell. He also was drinking. Lovely. Luckily, he got off before I did. I came home and my mother was home from her doctor’s appt. I showed her the document and she gave me a disgusted look. Then said she was still going to call me my birth name. I argued with her but it did no good. Talk about a buzzkill. I tried to not let it bother me but it’s so hard. I talked to a few friends and the feelings passed. I then called my insurance to let them know of my name change but they said I should call my employer or it might go back to my birth name. I called my benefits place and I needed to fax the document over to the HR in charge of my case. I left the house for the bus that never came. I was so pissed. I had to take the next route, which didn’t go to the Square directly. I had to catch another bus to get there. I had wanted to go to my bank to see what documents they needed to change my name but I didn’t have time. I’ll do that tomorrow. I was able to fax to my former workplace where I still receive benefits. I am glad this happened before open enrollment, which is next month. Tomorrow I will call my bank to see what they need and my prescription insurance to change my name. So many things to do.

After the fax was sent, I went to my therapist’s office. I had emailed him a safety plan and that I was planning on ending my life soon, which was why next week would have been our last session. I went in and saw that he printed out the form. I was shocked. We talked about things and he gave his impressions of what goes on with me when I become suicidal. It was fairly accurate. We filled out the form. So now I have a safety plan to go to when I get the suicidal urges. I feel better that he did this with me because I was really feeling like he wasn’t going to and that I was again alone with my suicidality. I have put the date off, for now, because I am looking forward to transitioning as a male. I think I can do this.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s