rollercoaster of a day

Rollercoaster of a day

I woke up after 8. I tried to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. I got up and used the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and then went back up to my room. I wanted to be at the courthouse around 11 or so. I left around 0930 to the Square to get breakfast and my espresso. The bus was early as they had earlier delays. I wasn’t complaining. I got to Starbucks and their oven was broke so I couldn’t get a hot breakfast sandwich. The girl knew me so gave me two comp cards. I thought that was nice of her. I drank my espresso and wrote in my journal. I left around quarter of 11 to catch the bus to the courthouse. I wasn’t in too much pain and I hope it stayed that way. I wore a short sleeved shirt and it was cold. I was hoping it was going to warm up but it never did. I went to the courthouse okay and was in and out. I got my paperwork. It is now legal. I am G Collerone. I was on cloud nine but I did but didn’t feel good about it. I took a pic of the doc and sent it to everyone. Without me realizing it, my phone made a copy of each text I sent. I have like 10-15 copies of the 1 pic I sent out. I’ll delete them when I am bored.

I had to come home and get a sweatshirt. While waiting for the bus at the train station, a homeless man approached me wanting me to play him a song on my phone. As I was pulling up the song, my bus came and said sorry, got to go. I went to the back of the bus. He came on the bus and stunk it up with his booze smell. He also was drinking. Lovely. Luckily, he got off before I did. I came home and my mother was home from her doctor’s appt. I showed her the document and she gave me a disgusted look. Then said she was still going to call me my birth name. I argued with her but it did no good. Talk about a buzzkill. I tried to not let it bother me but it’s so hard. I talked to a few friends and the feelings passed. I then called my insurance to let them know of my name change but they said I should call my employer or it might go back to my birth name. I called my benefits place and I needed to fax the document over to the HR in charge of my case. I left the house for the bus that never came. I was so pissed. I had to take the next route, which didn’t go to the Square directly. I had to catch another bus to get there. I had wanted to go to my bank to see what documents they needed to change my name but I didn’t have time. I’ll do that tomorrow. I was able to fax to my former workplace where I still receive benefits. I am glad this happened before open enrollment, which is next month. Tomorrow I will call my bank to see what they need and my prescription insurance to change my name. So many things to do.

After the fax was sent, I went to my therapist’s office. I had emailed him a safety plan and that I was planning on ending my life soon, which was why next week would have been our last session. I went in and saw that he printed out the form. I was shocked. We talked about things and he gave his impressions of what goes on with me when I become suicidal. It was fairly accurate. We filled out the form. So now I have a safety plan to go to when I get the suicidal urges. I feel better that he did this with me because I was really feeling like he wasn’t going to and that I was again alone with my suicidality. I have put the date off, for now, because I am looking forward to transitioning as a male. I think I can do this.

any thoughts?

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