Sunday Blog 3 Dec 2017

Sunday Blog 3 Dec 2017

My Buckeyes won the Big 10 Championship last night. It was a nail biter in the 4th quarter. But an interception won the game! I was very happy. Unfortunately, my pain over rid my joy and I was up all night again. I didn’t go to sleep till around 5ish. I was kind of waiting to see if there would be news of the Football playoffs but it was too late. It would be announced today. I was not happy when I woke up because Alabama got OSU’s spot, all because the Bucks lost to an unranked team earlier in the season. The Bucks will play in the Cotton Bowl Dec 29th against USC Trojans. One of my CES friends is a Trojan fan so it will be interesting. I have been fuming most of the day over the committee’s choice of excluding the Bucks for a championship game. They deserved to be in the playoffs and I hate that one loss determined their fate. It was like the rest of their wins, including the Big 10 Championship, didn’t count. I am so mad.

My brother in law did not put in my ceiling fan like he said he would do. He decided to get a Christmas tree and go food shopping instead. So I guess me roasting and possibly getting a heat stroke are my choices. I am not going to risk an electrical fire by turning it on until it dies. I can’t stand the noise it makes either. And even though I found the right temp for the thermostat, my mother has turned up the fucking heat. I am now roasting. I wish I had heard the heat turn on before I went downstairs. My ankle flared up when I took off my slippers as I undressed to take a shower. The pain settled down but now is back up. I am so fucking mad. Now I am boiling mad because even though I found the right setting on the thermostat, my mother jacked up the heat. My room is so fucking hot right now and it’s not that cold out. Fucking bitch already pissed me off once today. She called me “miss” and then my birth name. I walked away like I didn’t hear her. My cousin has also been calling me my birth name even though I told him my name is G. Dumbbell also calls me GiGi, like WTF? What am I, a toy?? Pisses me off.

I know I am angry because of being in pain and I want to end my life. I am tired of this shit. I am tired of the sleepless nights. And now I am in pain, again. I joined the BPD chat. That was good. Now a damn social worker in one of the Carolinas thinks she can tell me what kind of therapist I need. PPPFFFTTT. Talking to the wrong person, lady. Then she tells me she wishes me well in healing. WTF is healing when you want to end your life every single fucking day?? Fucking please. Go find someone else to spew your good tidings and insight. I don’t need it.

I managed to go downstairs to adjust the heat, even though my ankle didn’t like it. My mother wanted me to do something but called me my birth name, again. I went back upstairs. Fuck her. Then she screams that she has been calling me my birth name for 40 years blah blah blah. I have kept quiet about it but today it is like pouring salt into a wound for some reason. I am just so mad. I think me not sleeping the past two nights have got me on edge.

I have therapy tomorrow and because it is past the 24 hour rule, I need to go. I am going to ask him about his mommy and daddy issues that he brought up the last time we met. Like to see what his answer will be. I don’t know if I will get anywhere with this guy. I’ve seen him since April and I don’t think he has been too helpful to me. I’ve had 2 hospitalizations and working on a third, possibly. I still don’t think we connect in any way but just tolerate each other. Just basically called him because he was the last name on my list and I said okay let me try him. I am glad he didn’t turn me away because of my suicidality and he doesn’t flip out when I talk about suicide, but on the other fronts, can you give me some guidance??? Like seriously, aren’t you supposed to help me?? Or did I get therapy all wrong all these years? My psychiatrist who I see every two weeks for about 20-30 mins gives me more validation than he has all fricken year. Though if I text him, he is more supportive than in session!! I don’t get it. I really don’t. I just go with it then write a bitch blog about him.

I had left my MP3 app on on my phone. I wasn’t using it but the thing doesn’t shut off when not in use. It was taking up memory and clogging up my phone. I turned it off and then for kicks, checked the phone’s RAM. It has more than my new laptop! No wonder it runs so damn slow!!! I definitely need to get more. I was planning to anyways as it was cheaper to buy it as is and then upgrade here and there. I just got to look at the manual and see how to do it.

I took my meds about 45 mins ago and now I am feeling sleepy. I will stop here. Later my readers!

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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