new year’s eve 2017

New Year’s Eve

I woke up around 3 in pain and sweating. I was hot in my room again. It took me a while to settle down and when I went back to sleep, my med alarm went off. I sleepily took them and slept a little more. I woke up hungry and decided I was going to make pancakes. I made them huge like I usually do. I couldn’t finish them all. I had made coffee but used too much water. It tasted okay. I need to go to the store to get some more half and half.

I can’t believe another year has come and gone. I am not looking forward to the new year, though I should. But that is the expectation everyone has, right? I am too cynical for that shit. I just take the days as they come. If I put too much into doing things and they don’t get done, I just end up with disappointment and who wants that. I will be lucky to make it through the next few months as I try and get a pain doc that will prescribe pain meds. The thought of sticking with my current regimen is not sitting well with me but if I have to continue with it despite not finding a pain doc, then so be it.

In Feb, I see the LGBT doc to move forward with my transition. I am apprehensive about it. I know I have a lot of medical and psych issues. I just hope I don’t have continue to suffer in this fucking body like I have. I want to be a man and if that cannot happen, it is over. I won’t be able to continue living in the wrong body.

I went to my sister’s party and lasted about two hours. I had a lot of food. I talked with my neighbor and finally told her I was transgender and was going to transition. She wants me to come to her house more to talk. She is a nice lady but is a heavy drinker. I don’t know if she will remember what I told her.

I was sitting in my sister’s swivel chair and for some reason, my bad foot was a target tonight. People kept accidently kicking it. I had to use my foot to keep it from turning. It flared up on me and I had to leave. I hate being in this much pain again. Unfortunately, I had a beer so I can’t take any pain meds just yet. It feels better with it on the bed. I have someone’s cologne on. It smells nice. I text my other sister that I was upstairs if they needed me. I told my niece I was going up as we were celebrating her birthday.

I am feeling bad because the pain is getting to be too much. Even though I am not putting any pressure on it right now, the pain is soaring. I should have worn my boot. Oh well. I don’t have any where to go tomorrow except maybe to the store for some half and half. I am so tired. I don’t think I am going to make it to midnight. Happy New Year to all my readers. You mean a lot to me.

any thoughts?

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