new year’s eve 2017

New Year’s Eve

I woke up around 3 in pain and sweating. I was hot in my room again. It took me a while to settle down and when I went back to sleep, my med alarm went off. I sleepily took them and slept a little more. I woke up hungry and decided I was going to make pancakes. I made them huge like I usually do. I couldn’t finish them all. I had made coffee but used too much water. It tasted okay. I need to go to the store to get some more half and half.

I can’t believe another year has come and gone. I am not looking forward to the new year, though I should. But that is the expectation everyone has, right? I am too cynical for that shit. I just take the days as they come. If I put too much into doing things and they don’t get done, I just end up with disappointment and who wants that. I will be lucky to make it through the next few months as I try and get a pain doc that will prescribe pain meds. The thought of sticking with my current regimen is not sitting well with me but if I have to continue with it despite not finding a pain doc, then so be it.

In Feb, I see the LGBT doc to move forward with my transition. I am apprehensive about it. I know I have a lot of medical and psych issues. I just hope I don’t have continue to suffer in this fucking body like I have. I want to be a man and if that cannot happen, it is over. I won’t be able to continue living in the wrong body.

I went to my sister’s party and lasted about two hours. I had a lot of food. I talked with my neighbor and finally told her I was transgender and was going to transition. She wants me to come to her house more to talk. She is a nice lady but is a heavy drinker. I don’t know if she will remember what I told her.

I was sitting in my sister’s swivel chair and for some reason, my bad foot was a target tonight. People kept accidently kicking it. I had to use my foot to keep it from turning. It flared up on me and I had to leave. I hate being in this much pain again. Unfortunately, I had a beer so I can’t take any pain meds just yet. It feels better with it on the bed. I have someone’s cologne on. It smells nice. I text my other sister that I was upstairs if they needed me. I told my niece I was going up as we were celebrating her birthday.

I am feeling bad because the pain is getting to be too much. Even though I am not putting any pressure on it right now, the pain is soaring. I should have worn my boot. Oh well. I don’t have any where to go tomorrow except maybe to the store for some half and half. I am so tired. I don’t think I am going to make it to midnight. Happy New Year to all my readers. You mean a lot to me.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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