new year’s eve eve

New year’s eve eve

I am in pain and having dark thoughts. My foot is being crushed and my ankle is being stabbed. CRPS is such a wonderful condition, isn’t it? I got up to get a thumb drive my friend’s hubby made for me so I can watch the stuff on it. I am not really planning on leaving my bed tomorrow, unless my pain is low. I am supposed to go to my sister’s party. We’ll see what kind of mood and how much pain I am in.

My baseball history book arrived tonight, an hour after they said it was supposed to be delivered. I am only guessing the weather had something to do with it. The roads are kind of icy due to snow and it being freezing out. I had to get the package before someone stole it. I already started Neil Gaiman’s book Neverwhere. It is okay so far, but I can tell it is going to be weird.

I tried writing in my journal a few hours ago. I got another dizzy spell. I think it was because I was late with my pain meds. I am feeling so tired and I want to sleep but my damn ankle and foot hurt too much. Just moving them on the bed to get comfortable is painful. I am in a rotten mood. I don’t know what I am going to do. I took my pain meds and now I just have to wait for them to work. Wait. That is all I fucking do with this stupid fucking condition. Wait for this and that all the fucking time. And while I am waiting, I hurt so damn bad. I just want to fucking die. What is the purpose of living anyway if you are just going to be in fucking pain??

I thought the new med was helping me but tonight it isn’t doing shit. I know it is making me tired like my other meds are. I can feel the effects but for some strange reason my brain is fighting off the sleep because of pain. I know when I lay down, I am going to hurt more and then it is going to be a lay down, sit up kind of night. I hate this game. It is not fun. I thought about watching a TV show, MASH or something but my brain is not going to be paying attention to it. It will be like background noise or something and I hate that. Why bother putting it on if you are not going to watch and pay attention to it?

I really want to die. I have the plans in my head but I don’t want to be found in my room. I am so fed up with myself for thinking these plans and never going through with any of them. I am such a coward. I hate myself. I guess the saying, “I have one option left, to suffer”, really is true. Makes me mad though. So very mad. Maybe I deserve it. I am just a scumbag. I get no peace because I am in pain all the fucking time and no medical professional cares enough to try and ease my pain. I am done with this shit. I don’t know when I will take my life but I will one day. Maybe some alcohol will give me the motivation I need to go through with it or something. I can’t go on like this. It is a joke. A big fucking joke.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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