drifting off yet staying awake

Drifting off yet staying awake

Pain is really making me suicidal tonight and a crying mess. I had my Chinese food from a new place. It was really good except I didn’t like the peppers in the General Gau. It was spicy and the sauce was sweet and sour in good proportions. I really liked it. It made me less irritable. But after I came back to my room, I had a meltdown as the pain increased and the tears flowed. There was nothing I could do to stop them. I just gave up trying to hold them back. I wrote some things on FB, on my wall and in my support group. I talked with one member privately. She understood what was going on.

I honestly don’t know if I am going to survive that much longer. I need to probably make an appt with a pain doc and hope I don’t get some shmuck resident. I have no idea when I will be able to get an appt. I know it probably won’t be soon.

I am very tired of dealing with this and many things. It is just exhausting dealing with pain every night and not being able to come up with a combo that works. I took a high dose of gabapentin as the nerve pain has started. The side and top of my foot are on fire. Least with the physical pain, I knew with in an hour or two, the pain would subside. Not so much with nerve pain. I never know when it will subside. But least it helps me sleep some.

Hope tonight is not a game night where I take my foot out from under the blankets, wait for it to “cool” off and then put it back under the blanket night. I hate that game. I also hope the lying down and sit up game isn’t played tonight either. I do have to say that I have been sleeping slightly better with the new body pillow I got for my birthday. I really love it. My shoulder loves it too as I am not using it as a pillow as much.

Going to try this thing called sleep. Hope it works for me and I get a few hours, maybe more, that is if the orange toddler doesn’t press his bigly button and cause a catastrophe. Don’t know when his supervisors are going to take his phone away, or better yet, Twitter takes his account away. But that is a subject for another day. Night folks…

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

One thought on “drifting off yet staying awake”

  1. I hope you managed to get a little sleep. Its awful your dealing with so much pain. really really awful. I wish I could do something other than send hugs and support your way. ❤ xxx

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