Let the imagination run
I had a great therapy session today. I told him about the appointment with the LGBT doc and how I liked him. I also told him about how I wasn’t sure if I have been putting too much pressure on myself by wanting to be the person I was before I was disabled. It just seems like I am unable to keep up with my appointments and just doing daily activities, such as making meals and stuff. My pain is so unpredictable but this weekend, my pain was manageable for some reason. I think the appointment stress of meeting with the LGBT doc and moving forward with my transition was weighing on me more than I realized.
We also talked about my writing difficulties. I told him about the story that has been in my head the last few months and the difficulty of writing it because of how I felt about it. I also voiced my trouble with setting time aside to write. Sure, I write my blog every day, but some days that is tough. I get distracted by my phone or the internet or social media. Some days I start a blog and lose my concentration because I don’t know what to write and nothing is coming to me. Then there are days where things flow and I can get it done within an hour or so. But I want to get this story out and it has been burning for far too long on the back burners. I want to write it out but I am scared that I am going to go nuts. We talked about it, having a back and forth conversation. It was such a relief to talk about my writing and how to go about it. I felt validated and supported in what I was doing.
So as I was leaving, I felt pretty good, like a weight has been lifted. I went to Walgreens to buy some new composition notebooks. I have two that I bought maybe a year ago but I wanted to get some more (I have a thing for these kinds of notebooks like I do pens). I was thinking about the session on the way home and how I was going to implement writing time. I honestly don’t have a clue. Getting the notebooks and putting them in my bag is a start. I felt like buying more pens but, I uh, have like 5 boxes of pens so fought off that impulse. I am kind of excited about this and hope that I can do it. I do better writing with pen and paper than I do trying to write on a laptop. Typing up what I write is challenging as sometimes I can’t read what I wrote or what I wrote didn’t make sense. He said to let my imagination run so I am going to give it a go and see where it gets me. No one has to see it. He’s not like my former therapist that wanted me to share everything with her. It is just for my benefit. And maybe the crazy flashbacks will stop once the stories are out. I sadly realized that it has been 30 years since all this was forming in my brain. I do have to watch one episode of Star Trek: the Next Generation, though I don’t know when I will do that. It’s kind of like the base of when the story started and it took off for ten years and then stopped abruptly because I got sick.
I came home. I must have taken about two or three steps after I stepped off the bus for my ankle to act up. I limped home and now my bones are aching. I am trying not to take the strong pain pill as I just took my regular pain med when I left my therapist’s office. I am so tired of being in pain just by walking. It is so frustrating.
A friend had emailed me about her frustration with the game last night. I shared in her grief. I wrote a response. I still am thinking about what to do with physical therapy. I see my PT Friday so I have a few days. My gut is telling me to stop and I think I am going to listen to it. I will tell my PT when I see her. I just don’t think continuing to go is going to benefit me and the stress of going is not helping me or my pain.