Belated Fourth of July

Belated Fourth of July

To all my American readers, hope you had a good Fourth. I had a pretty good day. I am now paying for it. I spent two hours in my friend’s pool. It was awesome. My friend’s husband I talked for most of the time in the pool and then afterwards. It was nice. I had to have my friend help me out of my wet clothes. It was difficult to get out of them. I was kind of embarrassed but she didn’t seem to mind helping me. She understands what it is like to need someone else’s help. We hung out and watched videos of many things. Then it was time to head home. My other friend said I should stay over next time and I said I would never be able to leave. My friend said YUP enthusiastically. It was funny.

I came home and cringed when I saw my bedroom door open. It was hotter than hell in my room. I turned the AC on right away. I am still waiting for it to cool off. It is 76 degrees, which is better than 84. I’ll probably turn in soon. I am really tired. I forgot how tiring it is to be in a pool. My legs felt like jelly. And my feet were cramping. I had trouble with the ladder. I was so scared I was going to fall. The ladder felt sturdy but because my proprioception is off, I couldn’t trust my feet. I was okay getting in the pool. Getting out was harder. I couldn’t turn around when I reached the top step. I was paralyzed with fear. My friend helped me out and I made it down okay.

We took pictures of the kids and my older friend. It was so good seeing them. I got to take home some chocolate cake, which was out of this world. It was probably the best chocolate cake I’ve ever had. Hope my mother doesn’t eat it.

I took a cab home because there were no buses as it was on a Sunday schedule. Thankfully, the driver knew how to get to my street and didn’t take every street in town. Sometimes they do that and it annoys me because the fare goes up. I gave the guy a good tip.

My foot started acting up after I changed into dry clothes. I had to put my AFO back on as the sandals were bothering my foot. It is still screaming and when I went to the bathroom a little while ago, it felt like I broke it going back up the stairs. Fricken CRPS pains are so fricken weird. My whole top part of my foot is bothering me, which is why I am still up. I didn’t think I would be writing a blog by my laptop was giving me dirty looks so I figured I would write. Sometimes writing helps to calm me down enough to sleep. I took my night meds later because I was out.

I woke up around 9 am after not getting to sleep around 2. My ankle was still hurting after I used the bathroom. I had just taken my pain meds so didn’t want to take the breakthrough meds. Around 1030, I went back to sleep. My niece was still sleeping so I figure I would nap, too.

I woke up again around 1400. My mother wasn’t home yet. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and it was like a sauna in the house. I called my niece and she didn’t pick up. I went downstairs to the first floor to see what she was doing. She was still sleeping. Her mother told me she went to bed late so I know how that is. Plus even with AC, the heat makes you tired. My ankle was hurting by the time I climbed the two flights back to my room. I thought about doing by home PT exercises but didn’t want to risk pain. And cue my damn ankle joint to start throbbing. FUCK.

I was just thinking that maybe I don’t have to end it, that maybe I can put it off the table for now and just go on. Then this kind of pain happens (almost every time) and I just say fuck it and back on the table it goes. I was going to email my psych about this but I don’t know what the fuck to say. My pain just jumped to a 12 in a matter of minutes. Different part of my ankle that is throbbing so bad. I have had enough. Had enough of the back and forth. Had enough of pain and sadness and misery. What the fuck am I doing anyway??

any thoughts?

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