Sunday Blog 30 Sept 18
I am really upset, at this damn condition and my mother. I attempted to make this blasted lemon loaf. It is getting to be a huge pain in the ass. What I zested at the beginning of Sept was not enough. I bought more lemons as I needed the juice. I’m glad I did. I bought 4 and had 1 left over from my last grocery order. I juiced by standing as it was then only way to get the leverage. Then zested 3 lemons to get the 1 tablespoon I needed. Was tired and my foot started buzzing. I decided to not go through with baking. I told my mother and she laughed at me, basically saying I am a wimp. Sorry ma. I am not like you where resting for a bit helps to calm down down pain. I sat the whole time I zested all 5 lemons. Then I made supper (just heated up a burrito) and watched the ball game. My foot said FU not even an inning of watching the game and eating. I just want to cry. I feel defeated and ashamed because my mother made me feel bad. She suffers from chronic pain and doesn’t get it. Taking my breakthrough med.
I posted this to my support group. I then watched some funny videos and that helped to cheer me up some. I hate that my mother is not a supportive person. I don’t get how you can do this to your kid. She doesn’t support or accept me for being transgendered. I haven’t told her I am going on T. I want to see if she notices changes and then maybe as I become more masculine, maybe she will get a fucking clue that this is who I am not the picture in her head of me. I hate her for this. Yes, I will continue to be her caregiver and help her financially every month as long as I am living here. I just seriously need to find a place to accommodate my disability. A friend told me to look at the elderly services thing as that usually is where disabled people get help as well. She also said there will be a waiting list. I knew there would be, which sucks.
A weird thing happened when I woke up. I don’t know what time it was because I couldn’t move. I just laid there trying to move my legs or arms and they stayed where they were. I could open my eyes and look around but that was it. It took a while before whatever it was wore off and I could get up to pee. I am lucky I didn’t wet the bed as it was a while before I was able to move again. It was 1244 when I looked at the clock on my phone. This never happened to me before. Usually I wake up and don’t want to move but I am able. This was the first time I wasn’t able. I don’t know if it was sleep paralysis or what. I see my psychiatrist Friday and will tell her about it. I just hope it doesn’t happen again. It was really awful to just lay there not being able to move. I have heard of this happening to people. I don’t know if it happens during the night or when they wake up or what. It might have been that I was too tired. I know I had a pillow between my legs while I slept. When I did get up, I found the pillow on top of my bed. I have no recollection of moving it. I know around 8 I woke up and took my morning meds. That is the last thing I remember before waking up again and not moving. So weird.