just my daily blog post

Just my daily blog post

I woke up and didn’t want to get up. But I wanted coffee and a shower. I got up and my feet were killing me. I walked to where I have my clothes and that was extremely difficult so I decided not to take a shower. There would be no way I could stand and I can’t seem to sit and shower. I no longer have the hand held showerhead in there as my mother hated it. And whatever my mother doesn’t like goes away. Pisses me off because I take more showers than she does.

I had some coffee and unfortunately, we chatted. It was all that she felt that if I saw the “right” doctor, I wouldn’t be in so much pain. I told her even if I got an ankle replacement (not even remotely possible), it wouldn’t help. I tried to explain that my nerves were messed up and my brain kept thinking I was in pain when I wasn’t. It fell on deaf ears. No matter what I said, I couldn’t change her mind. I flipped on her and told her to go to the hospital she wanted me to go to. She said she did and the doctor was a jerk. Oh, really? I said I could find you another doctor, he isn’t the only knee surgeon in the place. She didn’t answer me. That shut her up.

I went upstairs once I finished my coffee to get dressed as I had to do an errand for her and get my prescription at the pharmacy. She wanted me to buy some things and I got them for her. I came home and my feet wanted to murder me. I had wrestled the lace up brace on and it was going to stay on. I hate this thing. I won’t be wearing it tomorrow when I see the neuro because if I have to take it off, I won’t be able to put it back on and my ankle will hate me. I am not looking forward to it because it is a long way to go to see my neuro. It takes about an hour and a half from where I live by public transportation. Then there is a walk from the station stop. If I didn’t like this neuro, I would see someone else.

After this, I came back to my room to rest. I wasn’t in a huge amount of pain but I was sure as hell sleepy. I kept nodding off so decided to take a nap. Without meaning to, I slept the entire afternoon. I woke up around 1830 not knowing what day it is. I thought I missed my appointment. But it was still Wednesday. I got up to have something to eat. I really didn’t know what I wanted. My mother made hot dogs and potato pancakes. I had one and then made some tea. I got a couple packages of crackers with peanut butter and had that for supper. I didn’t want to make anything. All I had was pizza or hot dogs. I really need to go to the grocery store to get some food but I am waiting until I get my monthly food stamp money to be deposited on my card. I will go then, if my feet don’t kill me.

I wrote to my therapist last night telling him that I can no longer see him temporarily and could we see each other monthly or so until I literally can be back on my feet. I haven’t had a response yet. I emailed my psych to let her know what has been happening and she wrote that we will go slowly on the new mood stabilizer. I didn’t expect anything else. I told her I thought I was hypomanic the other day with my burst of energy, which is further fucking up my sleep. Today I left a message with my TG doc asking about the T increase as I haven’t heard from her still. I haven’t heard back from her or her secretary either. I feel like so many balls are in the air and no one is catching them. I hope I hear back from my therapist. I feel bad about not seeing him but as I explain to him, it takes a lot of energy which leaves me really hurting after our meetings. I just hope he doesn’t want to end. I will be screwed. I told my psych about this and she didn’t say anything about it. She never does when it comes to therapy. She has told me that whatever I decide she is okay with.

With all this I am feeling really down and feeling useless because I just can’t walk like I used to. I really hope PT helps with my right foot as I need to get better from it. I hate being in so much pain and not knowing what to do to help relieve it. Last night I was putting diclofenac gel on and my heel was really swollen. The gel is the only thing that helps bring the pain down some but not totally. A little is better than nothing. I am really surprised my pain meds doesn’t touch the pain in my heel at all. It just makes me think that something is going on either with the heel or the tendons around it. The golf ball was really inflamed last night as well, and I think that swelling is what irritates my heel because it is right where the plantar fascia is. I’ve been using ice but it numbs it and that is all I get from it. It doesn’t help to bring it down. I really hope my PT has some ideas to help me get back to walking again. I don’t know what I am going to do otherwise and I am NOT getting a cortisol shot! I don’t believe them and think they weaken the tendons more than reduce the swelling.

the golf ball

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