feeling grumpy and hopeless

Feeling grumpy and hopeless

Monday I saw the concussion doc. I am doing better but he still wants me to go to PT. I was supposed to start Friday but this urine infection is giving me bladder pains and cramps. I just don’t want to do nothing. After the appointment I saw my therapist who let me go after 15 mins of being there. I was so uncomfortable with my bladder that sitting was hard. I wasn’t talkative so she just let me leave. I have mixed feelings about it. I then canceled our appointment for tomorrow. I just cancelled all the appointments I had for the rest of the week. I just feel so miserable and depressed. I don’t want to do a goddamn thing. Yesterday was a complete blur. I didn’t sleep Monday night or kept waking up so I think I slept all day. I know I didn’t eat anything except M&Ms peanut candy and Ensure. I think I just left my room to use the bathroom and that was it.

I woke up in miserable mood. The urine culture came back with some bugs in it. Now I am just waiting to see if the doc wants to treat it or not. I am still having bladder pains. I had called yesterday but they said I had to wait till today for the culture to come back. I thought my depression was getting better but now I feel so much worse. Next week when I see the psychopharm I am going to ask her to see if increasing the duloxetine would be good. The nortriptyline isn’t helping my mood as I am on a low dose but it is helping the pain a bit. My neurologist gave me more than a week’s supply of a muscle relaxant. It is working as I am no longer getting spasms in my feet. They would come on while I was in the shower and omg I thought I was going to die just standing there while my feet spazzed out on me.

Right now I don’t have an appointment with my therapist. I responded to her message but haven’t heard anything yet. I got a few appointments next week. I see the behavioral psychologist and then PT. I also see the psychopharm. I feel so blah and overwhelmed with all these appointments.

I am fricken livid at my mother. I was in the bathroom cathing to pee and she just barges in to throw something in the hamper. WTF she couldn’t wait five fucking minutes??? I am so damn mad that she does this to me all the time. I know I need to tell her to stop but it is so hard talking to her because she doesn’t fucking hear what you tell her half the time and need to repeat it several times for her to get it. Then she thinks about what you say and she goes on a different tangent. Drives me fucking nuts. I want to hit the lottery so I can have my own apartment. I will hire a cleaning lady so I don’t have to worry about dust or the bathroom being dirty.

I have been fighting the urge to nap the past two hours. I am just so damn tired. I woke up three times to pee during the night. I try not to drink but the meds make my mouth dry. I got to switch back to Powerade as Gatorade is like drinking water. Soon as I start drinking, I just want more and more and before I realize it, the bottle is gone. Then I have to stay up to wait for it to go to my kidneys so I can empty my bladder for the night. I think nights of sleeping all night are over. There is like this internal 2-3 AM alarm clock that goes off saying I got to pee. It sucks. And once I go downstairs, do my business, then go back to my room, I am awake for a couple of hours.

I don’t plan on doing anything the next few days. I might get my haircut but that will be all. I just have no motivation to do a damn thing. I just want to sleep but the payback is being up all night. I haven’t eaten today and I don’t think I am going to. I haven’t even had an Ensure. I just had a cold brew and a cup of tea. I made the tea perfect. I love when I do that. It is so good. Wind is picking up. I got an alert that an advisory is in effect. Great. Hope it doesn’t keep me up.

any thoughts?

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