6 feet apart
This song is by Luke Combs, one of my favorite new artists. He seems to capture the mood perfectly with this beautiful song in these times. Thought I would share it with you all.
I haven’t done much today. I have been resting and started a new book, well, an old book that I am rereading as I never finished it. It is called the Anatomy of Melancholy by Robert Burton. It is a classic text. It is old English and has a lot of Latin in it that is sometimes translated and sometimes now, which is annoying. I hate when people use Latin thinking people know it when they don’t. Drives me crazy.
Weather is cold and wet. Had to close my window as temps in my room dropped below 60 degrees and rain started to come through the window. Hated to close it but it was damn cold. Now it is a little warmer in my room but not too warm. Temps are just above 60. I had to put on thermal socks because my damn foot got really cold. With the steroids, I haven’t been in too much pain. I have one more day of being on them and then I know pain will be back. Shame that they can’t be used as a treatment for CRPS. It really helps calm down things.
My mother made dinner and that has been the second thing I had to eat today. My appetite has been low despite the meds. I am surprised I don’t have the hungry horrors. Back has been bothering me all day and I’ve just been feeling low. I am kind of nervous as to what the MRI will show. I hope I don’t have to have surgery again. That will really suck. I really want to keep PT at home as that has been helping me the most. I haven’t done the home exercises because I get around okay but it is good to have someone do them with me while they are here.
I am glad I have this blog to write my thoughts down. Sometimes it is a good thing and other times it can be bad, the thoughts I mean. I haven’t been in a dark, dark mood in a while. If I have it hasn’t been for long, thank goodness. I still get depressed but not suicidal. It is weird not being suicidal. I am grateful I am not but man, this is so new to me, after spending a year or more with constant suicidal thoughts. It was so overwhelming I thought I was going crazy at times. I don’t know what changed this. But I am glad it has changed. I didn’t think it would. Guess that shows that no matter how low you feel, you don’t feel that way forever, even if it feels like forever. Just takes some blessed time. I think I was suicidal for at least two years or so. Since my surgery, I haven’t been as depressed or suicidal. The voices have been quiet. I just been hearing my “normal” voices, the ones I hear nearly every day. I am on a high dose of paliperidone (Invega) now because I was hearing musical hallucinations. My psychopharm is aggressive with the voices. She has been from the get go. She also is aggressive with my depression. I find it a weird change as my psych was so conservative with meds. We would always be on the lowest dose possible to achieve effectiveness but there really wasn’t any scale or something we would go by. Just seemed like I had to wing things a lot. With the new psychopharm, I don’t have to wing it. I get treated for my illness with the hope that I will feel better. It has worked so far. I started to feel better after my suicide attempt in December. Weird how that played out. I still asked my treaters to ask about my suicidal stuff because of the one medication that I find lethal to me. They haven’t asked about it in weeks since my surgery and I haven’t felt suicidal so I haven’t brought it up. I probably won’t, given the circumstances. I really don’t want another hospitalization this year or ever after the last one. It was such a bad place to be in when you are so depressed and want to die but they won’t let you. I am not sure how the units will be now with the virus. I hear that they haven’t done social distancing or any other practice since it kind of negates wellness. I am sure it is hard to do when in an inpatient setting. But I am not feeling that down to think about hospitals right now. Hopefully I won’t have to go in any time soon.
I have my appointment with my therapist tomorrow morning and I hope that I can get up early to make coffee or tea. I need to wake up for the meeting because lately I have been so sleepy. I then go back to sleep afterwards. It just wears me out. But then a lot of stuff wears me out these days. I hate it. Just going up the stairs winds me every time. It is getting better though. I am not so winded unless I do both sets of stairs within a few minutes of each other. Then I am really winded. I need to go to the pharmacy tomorrow so if my meds are ready after the appointment I will pick them up. They are supposed to be ready tomorrow. The pharmacy has been a little screwy the past few days. I don’t know if it has been because of new staff or what but they have been slow as molasses getting things done. I had to wait for a three hours for meds one day because they screwed up the original order. They processed it under the wrong medication! I was not happy and complained about it because they should fucking read what the damn thing says. Makes me so angry. There is a difference between IR and ER. And it is in black and white so there shouldn’t be a mistake.
Wind is howling. I hope it doesn’t snow tonight. We certainly don’t need it!