Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

ankle has filed for divorce

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle has filed for divorce

I am thinking of renaming my blog, Ankle demons, as I seem to write more about my CRPS ankle than about my mood lately or being suicidal. Anyways, my brother in law took my old foam topper off my bed and I placed the new one on by myself. It wasn’t that hard but it took some spoons. I then put sheets on my bed which took more spoons. By the time I was done, I was hurting but there was still more I had to do.

I had two boxes that needed to go out to the recycle bin as tonight was trash night. I also took my dirty sheets down and washed them. I washed and dried my comforter. By the time I got back to my room and placed the comforter on my bed, my ankle filed divorce. It is hurting me so bad right now. I can’t even describe the pain. It’s blinding pain. I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom because it really won’t like going up and down stairs one more time. I am thinking of wearing a diaper but am scared it will leak through. I don’t think I can pee in a diaper anyways but the thought has crossed my mind.

While changing my pillow cases, I noticed some holes in my favorite pillow. The two pillows that have been on my bed have lasted through a lot of years. I think it’s time to get new pillows. I have to be careful though because I bought a nice “firm” pillow one time and it shrunk to nothing within a week. It became so flat I couldn’t sleep on it anymore. I might as well just sleep without one. That will be next month’s expense. I already went over my budget this month with buying new sheets and the topper.

I should be listening to the ball game going on but I am so damn tired and in so much pain that it’s just not happening. I am checking the score though. It was scoreless at the bottom of the 3rd. The new guy Sale is pitching. Hope he lives up to the hype people have been giving him. The Boston Bruins (hockey team) have made it to the playoffs. Normally I don’t give a shit but this means they have playoff games which in turn means the baseball game is switched to another channel. I hate that. It doesn’t matter if I am listening to the radio because the station won’t change but if I want to watch the game, I need to pay attention to the hockey schedule, which sucks because I am not a hockey fan. The only thing I know about hockey is they need to place the puck in the net. End of story. Don’t care about anything else in between.

I hope tomorrow I am not sore but I might be. I did way too much stair climbing today. The weird part is that I wasn’t that out of breath the twentieth time I came up to my room. Watch tomorrow I will be short of breath every single time. Some days are like that though. I don’t know why. I think it all depends on my being tired or not.

awful night of sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Awful night of sleep

I tried to go to bed at a decent hour last night but a family member was having trouble and needed to talk to someone. We were talking until the late hours and then I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about them. I spoke to them this morning and they made an appointment to see a doctor today. I am happy about this. Least the doc can try and figure out things and refer if need be to the right resources.

My foot wasn’t bothering me until I decided to go out. Figures. Walgreens had some tissues on sale last week and they said the stock would be in today. I went and there was an empty shelf and no stock anywhere to be seen. I bought some vitamin water as that was on sale. I like the pomergranate stuff. I am really bad on drinking water. Yesterday I realized the only thing I had to drink was the coffee I drank and some sips of my Powerade for my meds. I just don’t get thirsty and forget to drink. Plus if I drink too much, then I leak so it’s a catch 22.

After I left Walgreens, I thought about catching the bus to the Square to buy some burgers. I bought the rolls when I ordered my groceries but haven’t bought the meat yet. I totally forgot yesterday while I was waiting for the bus. I didn’t have the patience to wait because I didn’t have my headphones with me. I just came home.

I am starting to feel discouraged because no therapist has returned my phone call from yesterday. I know it’s still early in the day and they may call this afternoon but I am so tired of waiting. I don’t get why people put themselves out on websites if they aren’t taking new clients. They should at least say so on the site so people know not to call them. I am just in a bad mood today.

I took a senna last night and it was not a good idea. I had loose stool again today. Now I need to be careful when I fart. I feel like an idiot. I am glad I am going because I was backed up for a while so all that stool is now out of my system. Least I hope so. But the cramps are the worse. I won’t be taking the senna tonight.

My room got wicked hot last night. I slept mostly with the covers off me. When I did put the covers on, I sweated. It was either freeze or sweat. There was no in between. I wanted to open the window but it was raining so I didn’t want water to come in. Today is better so I might open it later. It’s a nicer day though it’s cloudy. I like cloudy days. They feel more comfortable to me than sunny days. My sister is going to California for a few days because she needs the sun and warm weather. She and my other sister are going to Italy in June to see my relatives. I won’t be going because I don’t have the money to go. My nephew was thinking of going but it was too expensive for him. I can’t wait for the pics. I hope the weather is good for them during that time.

I started reading Huckleberry Finn last night as I wanted to take a break from Robert Lowell. I read a few chapters. I think I will read more tonight. Now that I have my bed cleared off, I asked my brother in law to help me remove the foam topper for tomorrow’s trash day. I hope he has time to do it. I would like to change my sheets.

I made coffee when I got up but I haven’t had anything to eat yet. My mother is making chicken for supper. I might have the left over Chinese food that I ordered last night. I am getting hungry. I really want a burger. Tomorrow I am going to buy them and make them at home! I am determined to do this. Otherwise, the rolls are going to go bad and I wasted my money.

Blah Rainy Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blah rainy Tuesday

I woke up early in pain. I took meds and basically went back to sleep until the afternoon. I thought about getting dressed and going out but it was raining and I hate being out in the rain. It’s fine if I am not going anywhere or if I absolutely need to go out, but I didn’t meet that criteria so I just stayed home. I made coffee when I got up and finished the last piece that was in the cake dish of my Nantucket cranberry cake. It was good with coffee. I have two pieces left, the pieces I was supposed to take with me yesterday to my psych appt. Oh well.

My psych emailed me some centers that I can try. One is a definite no as it’s a women’s health center that mostly deals with domestic violence. The one that is in my town, I left a message and am waiting for a callback. I don’t think they will take me because of my suicidal history but we’ll see. The other place I am not familiar with and is in Cambridge. I googled them and they primarily do CBT work. I don’t know if I want to go down that avenue, yet. My last resort psychologist I just left a message because I was feeling gutsy. If he doesn’t call me back, at least I tried.

I feel really depressed today and I don’t know why. I made two phone calls. One to the therapy place and the other to set up a memorial mass for my father. I really didn’t want to do this but my sister has a weird way of doing things so I just said I will do it. My middle sister then wants me to call to see if the mass will be in Creole. I didn’t ask and the guy didn’t say. She pissed me off. She can call and find out if it’s that important to her. Around this time last year, my father was in the hospital for the last time before going to a nursing home to die. I vividly remember this. This is going to be a tough month for me.

I am not as sore as I thought I would be, which is good. Last night, I tried a new antihistamine and it was a disaster. I had so many side effects from it that it was horrible. I am never taking it again. I had to take a lot of Ativan to get relief from the anxiety it gave me. I didn’t go to sleep until after 0200. I will just stick with allegra and Flonase.

I bought the CD to the musical Hamilton. I started listening to it this afternoon. After a half hour or so I had to stop it. I didn’t like it at all. It was rap stuff and I can’t stand rap. It just makes hearing what they are saying difficult. Some people can understand it, I can’t. It just sounds awful. I am back listening to my country music.

My life as a lab assistant is over

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

My life as a lab assistant is over

As I was going through my things tonight of the things I collected from my work locker, I realized I have finally closed that chapter of my life. The days where I get stressed out over a nurse’s error or a doctor’s rant because he can’t get his lab results because he wants to go home are over. The days at decant and endless samples where the evening shift does more work than day shift have some to an end. My nights of getting called fifty times or more a night where all I wanted to do was change my name are gone.

It was a great learning experience for me. I learned what life was like after the people that draw your blood do with it. I learned many things over the years and it was both good and bad. I learned how mistakes could be made on inpatient floors and why they happen. Better mechanisms are now in place to prevent these but they still happen, unfortunately, though with less frequency.

This job that was once important to me and my livelihood is done and gone like a good memory. I remember the good more than the bad. Many people have passed through the years that I have been working there. It was a low paying job, a starting point for technologists and nurses or other medical professionals. I have seen a few co workers go on to become physician assistants and doctors. Through social media, I still keep in contact with them. We may not talk every day but it’s nice to speak to them every once and a while to see what they are up to.

It’s hard to believe that five years ago this month I went out on permanent disability. I am still angry that this happened to me despite my years of seniority to the hospital and my department. I was well liked, got good reviews, and still, in the end, got kicked out. I wasn’t accommodated with my restrictions and there was no place for me. I was talking to the manager today. I am no longer angry at him. I know he would have kept me had he had a say in the decision. It is upper management that couldn’t accept my restrictions. In a way, it all worked out. I wouldn’t have time for this blog if I was still working. Who knows, I may have ended up killing myself like I had planned. Every now and then, I still think of that plan. I never went through with it, obviously because I am still here.

Over the years, I have been called lazy and crazy by people that are too stupid to name. It was something that I have never forgotten or got apologized to. It hindered any sort of promotion that I may have had and I was okay with that. People, even supervisors, came to me with problems more than my title demanded. I was always willing to lend a hand when I could. Some times my advice was heeded and sometimes it wasn’t, much to my dismay. Those nights pissed me off because I was then asked to fix the error. There were laughs some nights, though in the end they became less and less frequent as the demand of work was piled on. But the people are what matter more than the work. That is what I will remember.