Category: Bipolar Disorder

2019May16

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

I am at the psych unit that I’ve been to before. I have the same doctor but different social worker, thank god. I have been hurting so much today, mostly with my right calf. Been massaging it and semi stretching it to try and get pain under control as I don’t have access to my “morphine cocktail”. My right heel is inflamed, probably because I wore the ankle brace longer than I ever have. Last night they took it away from me because they thought it was a safety issue. Today’s nurse gave it back to me as she didn’t see anything that could be dangerous. It is all one piece and no stretchable parts, except for the laces you can’t remove. My sneakers pose more of an issue. Fuckheads.

I’ve been feeling like this is a mistake. I really don’t think I need to be here but I know if I bring it up to my psych, she will say otherwise. I’ll stay a few more days and then be out next week. I honestly don’t have high hopes of anything changing.

My room is at the end of a noisy hall where the kitchen and TV/group room is. Last night I was so tired, it took a long while to settle down and even though I had taken my meds, I couldn’t sleep. Then my big toe and foot started swelling and hello pain. I got so pissed off. I talked with the nurse and I felt better afterwards, or at least sleepy enough to sleep. I woke up like 3 hrs later to the damn birds chirping. The town I am in has a lot of trees, more than my town, who likes to cut down trees and not replace them. I no longer hear birds in my neighborhood. Anyways, I somehow manage to sleep but woke up every hour. I gave up around 630 and have been up since. I tried to sleep after morning meds but only got about a 45 min nap.

Yesterday was a long day but there were two good parts of it. One of the suicidologists I know from Twitter has a study going on at the hosp ED I was in. I got enrolled and when I asked if he was the PI (principle investigator), the research assistants said yes. Holy shit. And I met him and shook his hands. I was immediately like a deer in headlights. Couldn’t think of anything to say to him.

The second part was my pcp came down to see me. Never had a pcp do that before, ever! We talked for a bit. I didn’t go into any details. I was just floored he was there. He said if I had gotten admitted to the hosp I see him at, he would visit me every day. I got lucky. He is a good guy and I am staying with him forever. Just makes me feel like someone gives a shit.

I am sure tomorrow they will talk about discharge. Always happens. But maybe not. They might get rid of me next week. I had to cancel my PT and orthotic appt. I rescheduled PT and will call the orthotic guy when I am discharged. I have an appt next week with my psych. If for some reason I am still in here, I can always reschedule with her. I got a dentist appt that day which I have no problem rescheduling! I don’t know why I have this fear of dentists because when I was a kid, I loved going. I guess it is because I had a couple bad experiences since the one good dentist I had left. The guy I see now is pretty good. He isn’t rough and doesn’t yell at you or make you uncomfortable.

I came across this picture on Twitter and thought I would share it with you all. I am drifting off to sleep so will stop here.

2019May15

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Long story to tell but am overtired so here is a kitten pic

2019May14

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

I’ve been having another difficult day after having a sleepless night. I missed PT because I overslept. The alarm went off and I fell back to sleep, the old, i will be up in 5 minutes turns into 2 hours deal. After i emailed my PT to apologize, i went back to sleep.

I realized last night after talking with my psych that i am a people pleaser. I really thought I was done with that but apparently I am not. So to please my psych and a few close friends, I will be going to the hosp tomorrow morning. I need to leave before my sister is up, which I didn’t ask when she will be up as she got suspicious when I asked her what time she leaves work. I could go after she leaves but I don’t want to run into my brother in law or other sister when I do. I will try and leave my house around 445 and just wait 45 mins for the bus. Just hope it isn’t going to be a freaking cold morning. Wish I had cab fare but Starbucks doesn’t open till 530 so I rather wait. I got to give my shot of T before I leave.

The therapist coordinator called today. Talk about bad timing. If the therapist had openings the end of the week I probably would be able to see her but she doesn’t. I am not planning on staying longer than 6-7 days. I might get discharged sooner. Not sure. Depends on how it goes.

I am hoping to have battery to post tomorrow but if I don’t I guess missing one day of the month won’t be bad. Just hope I remember every thing I plan on taking. I will be missing my niece’s graduation party. I feel bad about that. Oh well.

I got to call my psych tonight to talk. I sent her an email this morning before I crashed. I didn’t get a response. I will ask her if she found out about the pain med situation. Just hope I don’t miss getting my meds. Not sure about my night meds, esp my pain meds. Maybe I can take it before I get transferred to the hosp. I figure I am going to be there all day, even though i plan on getting there between 630/700. I got to have my espresso before i go in. I won’t be having any coffee while there. My own caffeination will be from tea, which isn’t the same thing. Might bring some of my orange tea with me so I can have it. Hosp usually has chamomile.

2019May13 Misery and Insomnia Continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

2019May13 Misery and Insomnia Continues

I barely slept last night. I was up till around 0530 because my ankle decided to go up to a level 12 at midnight and stay that way most of the night. It went down to an 8 when I woke up around 10 but after I brushed my teeth, made lunch, washed my dishes, and folded my bedding, pain shot back up higher. It is now around a level 13. I am so disgusted.

I was so frustrated and had bad urges in the early morning hours. I was in such despair. I realized around 4 am that if I go in the hospital, I am not going to have my meds at my bedside. I would have to walk to the nurse’s station to get meds and then walk back to my room. Walking is not a good thing when you are in a fricken flare. So I emailed my psych this and haven’t had a response. I sent her another email asking her if she is going to force me in the hospital. I am done with messaging her today. Either she responds or she doesn’t. I told her I can talk to her tonight or tomorrow, or the rest of the week. I don’t care but I am not going in the hospital. It isn’t like being on a psych unit you have a call bell to have the nurse come to your room. And because the nurse needs to scan your wrist band to give out meds, it is just not a good situation for me.

I am fricken exhausted. Past two nights I barely slept more than 8 hours. I am running on fumes. I had coffee because I needed it. I hate this is another day of not being able to do anything in my room. I haven’t done my PT exercises and don’t care to. I have been doing the calf thing trying to get it loose. I have not used the new band for the foot exercises. I am just so frustrated I don’t want to do a damn thing. I have been doing the foot thing where I am trying to get my foot to be flat. Because my calf is tight, my foot is always bearing on my toes rather than be flat. I have been this way for years so I don’t think that is going to change. I tried it while I was on the bus and train Friday and it was killing my muscles. I am just not used to it. I try and hold it for a little longer.

My psych just responded and wants me to call her tonight or tomorrow morning. For some reason I am scared. Even though I have known her more than half my life, I always fear she will throw me in the hospital and throw the key away. I know this irrational. So I will call her later. Rather face the music today than tomorrow. I will be a nervous wreck if I wait till tomorrow morning.

To the person who commented on my blog yesterday, I hope you are feeling a little better today. I know you are probably hurting a lot. You will get through it even though it might seem impossible right now. Hope you are continuing to read my blog so you see this message.

I took some gaba to help with the pain. Not sure that was an good idea if I got to talk to my psych tonight. Last night I was a little dissociative before trying to sleep at 130am. I have been doing anything and everything I can to control the pain. It most likely is flaring due to the weather. Temp dropped about 14 degrees last night. I so cold. I had to put another blanket on my bed because I put my fleece one in my bag I was planning to take to the hosp. I still am hoping to be a free bird this week. Not sure yet. Will find out when I talk to my psych tonight. Hence why I am scared. She very insistent Friday when we met. I know she is right but I am getting upset on how it will be and it hasn’t even happened yet. A friend said to “let it work” but I am very sure she has never been in the hospital recently, or at least where I live. If I had a therapist, maybe things would be better. The social worker got back to me about the therapist situation. Unfortunately the director is in Africa for a few weeks so she doesn’t know what is going on until he is back. Wonderful. Just reinforces the notion I am a hopeless case no one wants to take on. Other might be helped but after 28 years of getting help, it hasn’t worked out yet for me.