There is no single best kind of death. A good death is one that is “appropriate” for that person. It is a death in which the hand of the way of dying slips easily into the glove of the act itself. It is in character, ego-syntonic. It, the death, fits the person. It is a death that one might choose if it were realistically possible for one to choose one’s own death.
EDWIN SHNEIDMAN, A Commonsense Book of Death
I just spent an hour reading an article on hope and interpersonal theory on suicide. I have no idea what the hell I read. The article was confusing and the terms they used were not something I was used to. Maybe that is why the paper was over my head.
I’m still having problems with my laptop. I was hoping that it will go away but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen. The lid has to stay in a certain position or it’s either all fuzzy or blank. The 26th can’t come soon enough.
I was going to go out today to Starbucks but decided not to go. I wish I did because my mother did a huge shopping and guess who had to bring up the groceries? My ankle is so upset with me and I just want to go to sleep. I made a strong cup of coffee because my sister wanted some. I don’t think I added enough water to the coffee ratio. But then, I am just used to making one cup. Despite drinking this strong coffee, I am still sleepy. I really need a nap. But I know that if I do,
I used the last of my household blend so now I can get my Pike grounded up when I go to Starbucks, most likely tomorrow. I need to get out of the house for more than twenty minutes. I went to Walgreens and got my prescriptions. That was the only time I left the house. I also got Combos but instead of getting the sweet and salty kind, I got the buffalo and blue cheese flavor. Definitely not the same taste! And it’s wicked salty so I don’t think I will be eating the rest of the bag. Maybe I will leave them in the front yard so the birds can eat them.
I keep expecting the mail to come but forget that today is a holiday and it’s not coming. I am so hoping what I am expecting comes before Friday. I am still on the fence on going to this wedding. I technically didn’t receive an invitation; my mother just put plus 1 on her invite. But I have a feeling she is not going as she hurt her knee last week. I doubt she will be able to get into my sister’s truck. Course, my going depends on whether I can find something to wear and if my pain levels aren’t like they are today. I want to find my blue dress shirt. I have the tie picked out, I just need a shirt to go with it. I also need to hope this shirt still fits me. I hate gaining weight.
I will have therapy tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to it. I sort of know how it’s already going to go. It’s the same every time I get upset with her. She gets all business like and doesn’t talk during the session. But then the next session, things are back to the status quo. Drives me nuts. And it’s too late to cancel session because of her stupid 24 hr rule. I am just so sick of therapy. I really just don’t want to talk to anyone, period. I lost faith in the whole “talking therapy”. I am just so jaded to it. It just has become something to do during the week. And I know I am not going to find someone close to me that I is within walking distance that I can actually walk to meet face to face.
I got a response to my rocket player issues on my phone. They want me to restart the database, which would mean I would lose my new playlists that I created since getting my new phone. I had a hard time remembering which songs went with which playlist so had to start from scratch. Now that I have them close to what they were on my other phone, I really don’t want to erase the information and start anew. But if the app keeps crashing like it has, I will have no choice. It’s been stable the last 48 hours or so. But I haven’t used the Bluetooth connection during that time. Maybe that was the problem.
Having a hard time sleeping. My family members and my bowels had me do the stairs repeatedly the last few hours. I am hurting big time. I think I might have to go to the bathroom again as my bladder is sending me weird signals. I went an hour ago so I don’t understand why I would have to go again as I didn’t drink anything except a sip of water to take some pills. It is so frustrating living with Cauda Equina syndrome when your body functions are dictated by guesswork. I think the Imodium has settled the gas and loose stool that I had been having. Don’t know the cause of that. I think it might have been the milk that I had earlier tonight. Sometimes milk causes me to be intolerant. I don’t know why as I can drink a latte fine, hot or cold. Just doesn’t make sense to me.
I did some research into the suicide stuff I learned today. One of the articles that looked promising was just a trial protocol that didn’t have any information on it. That got tossed in the trash. The other article was about evidence based practice that helps suicide prevention. I haven’t read it yet as I was discouraged from the other article/protocol that I read. The slightest things have been bringing me down today. I did see another article from Jobes on CAMS and inpatient treatment. I will read that later. I need to print it out and I don’t want more stuff on my bed as I am trying to clear it off. I was able to clear one corner of my bed. Now I just have to throw my clothes some where. Maybe I will throw them in a hamper and I won’t see them till next summer (they are summer clothes).
I was going through today’s tweets about the suicide summit and found an interesting article about suicide and vitamin D and a protein called hCAP18. I got very excited as I haven’t seen that molecule since my research days. Unfortunately, the slide didn’t say very much and I really would love to know the specifics and how they tested it and where. The slide also said vitamin D receptors so now I am really curious about this article. I tried Googling it, but got no where. I don’t think it’s in print yet. But I want to talk to the guy and see if he can share more information about it. I tweeted the person to see if he has an email or Twitter account that I can contact him.
All this research and I became awake. I also was looking for therapists in my area. I wish suicide was an area where people were focused on but nope, not a category. Some of them didn’t even have mood disorders as an area of specialization, which I thought was odd. Most people that seek out therapists are going to be depressed or have anxiety issues of some kind. I hope that I don’t have to call someone. I am hoping my therapist reads her letter before our appointment. I will be disappointed if she doesn’t have time to read it. I’ll also be really sad because it will just mean that our time has come to an end. I can’t keep playing these “games” anymore. I just can’t. I am tired of struggling with a therapist that is becoming more and more like an airhead or just playing stupid.
While going through my files, I realized I didn’t back up everything like I thought I did. I have a lot of files that need to go on my thumb drive. It sucks because I don’t have the motivation to do it. It won’t take long, but I need to make a new folder and figure out where I am going to place the folder in my old files so that it’s all together. I still need to type up a bibliography of the folder I am collecting for the hard copies of these files so I know where they are. It’s work and I know I have time to do it. It is tedious and I just don’t want to do it. But it needs to be done so I don’t go crazy looking for the damn thing when I do need it. I have hard copy files all over the place. In my room and office. They need a central home where I don’t have to look in three different places to find them. I should organize all my CAMS articles in one place so it’s easier. One day I will do this. Not now at 0100 when I need to sleep.
While I was having bowel issues, I was thinking about how I would kill myself if I crapped my pants again. I have loose stool so it is a possibility. I just can’t go through the humiliation, again. I am already feeling like a loser because of what happened the other day. I wanted to go out today but I have a feeling my ankle is not going to allow it. I might be able to get to Walgreens and pick up my meds, but that will be the only trip. I doubt I can go to Starbucks. The buses are running on a normal schedule despite it being a holiday (Columbus day in the US).
Yesterday was “National Coming Out Day”. And I didn’t come out. I figured why bother. Both of my sisters know I am transgendered yet still call me their sister, instead of brother. There is no way I can tell my mother. I still fear her throwing me out of the house, or her not believing me. That will hurt worse than being kicked out of the house. I just hate myself big time every time I think about it. So I try not to think about it. Then I think, why isn’t there a national coming out day for heterosexuals? That is what bothers me. People just assume you are straight unless proven otherwise. It sickens me. I remember not too long ago there was suicide hotline that was just for trans people and some idiot got all high and mighty saying it wasn’t needed because we were all people. Really? You think it’s easy coming to terms that you are a male trapped in a female’s body or vice versa? Fuck you, you have no idea what the hell you are talking about. Sometimes when you are suicidal you need someone that knows that you are going through to help you through what crisis. Not someone that is straight and has no fucking clue. Because empathizing just isn’t going to be enough when you are dealing with someone’s life.
I woke up really early this morning from a weird dream. When I woke up, I was very sweaty. I stay up for a little bit before going back to sleep. I really didn’t sleep with the blankets on as it was still warm in my room. I had another weird dream and when I woke up, that was it. I was up. My sister was helping my mother clean the kitchen as it has been a while since everything was dusted. The smell of the cleaning product they were using didn’t agree with my nose so I stayed up in my room till they finished. I really wanted coffee but my sister was cleaning the stove as well so I couldn’t use it just yet. I hated waiting to use an appliance in my own home.
I have been in a grumpy mood since getting up. I don’t know why I was grumpy other than I wanted coffee and couldn’t have it just then. I went on Twitter and they were having a suicide summit talk. Things got really interesting when I saw that Jobes was one of the speakers. I think I retweeted all the tweets that had his presentation. He was talking about CAMS and other treatments, specifically DBT and something called CBT-SP as an evidence based practice in the prevention of suicide. I don’t know if he has published this stuff yet or if its in press. I will have to do a pubmed search to find out. Of course, the problem is getting the articles afterwards, especially if they are not available for free.
I miss doing suicide research. Course, I only follow Jobes because I love CAMS and think it is easier to learn than CBT and DBT. The problem is changing the clinician’s attitude toward suicide so they can practice these evidence based treatments without resorting to the hospital all the time.
I am undecided if I am going to watch the Pats game today or just listen via Twitter. I really want to take a nap as I am getting sleepy. I haven’t eaten much today, just a bowl of cereal and a glass of Ovaltine. I wish I put more Ovaltine in it because I was looking for a chocolate malt kick and didn’t quite get it. Maybe I will have that for my supper. I don’t have much of an appetite today because I am so down. I really need to clear my bed off so I can change the damn sheets but I have no energy or motivation to do so. Every thing today just feels so slow. I just got a notification that my prescriptions are ready at Walgreens. I really need to pick up my blood pressure medication as I will run out soon and because tomorrow is a holiday, I don’t think they will be open. I really don’t want to get dressed but I can’t leave the house in my PJs either. I am not one of those people that can do that. I have to wear real clothes to go out, even if it’s sweatpants. I also want to get the sweet and salty Combos snack. Might as well have some junk food if I watch the game.
I swear waking up at 0400 did me in today. I should have stayed up rather than go back to sleep. And then I get shit for sleeping late. I swear my family thinks all I do is sleep when I am in my room. I wish that were true but it isn’t. I am 99% on my laptop and the 1% is probably reading a book or journaling. I usually don’t go to bed until after 2000. I might take a nap around six but I try not to because then I might be up till midnight or later.
midnightdemons7 
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