Category: Bipolar Disorder

Woes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Woes

I had therapy today and it went awful. She is pushing me to see another therapist in my area, saying the phone is too distracting. I don’t know what to do. I thought that things would go back to the way they were but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen. I can’t imagine actually leaving her. I have 14 years of stuff at her office. She said that we could still talk if I found someone else at least once a month. I couldn’t do that. My head is spinning around and around. Before we ended today, she wanted me to call the social worker that I found. I have no idea what to say to him. We also talked about seeing possibly a DBT therapist as an adjunctive person. I don’t know if I can go the DBT route. Maybe as a self-help kind of thing that I can do at my own pace. But I can’t do the full program. Maybe I can call my insurance and see what options they have for that. I would have to call them anyway to set up a new treatment provider, I think. But I am also on medicare so I am not sure how this is going to work.

The idea of her pushing me out is killing me. She wants me to have the best care but she can’t do that and I guess what I wrote to her really got her thinking. While we were talking, I was on my laptop looking over the blog I had started for her but never finished because of fucking family issues. About ten minutes left in the conversation, the screen went bye bye and I couldn’t get it back. I should have been upset but I didn’t feel nothing and said as much to my therapist. I have to get it fixed but I don’t have the money to right now. But the fact I could care less, really shocked me. My laptop is my world. Sure I can use my phone for some of the same stuff but it’s not the same as having a keyboard. I don’t know why the screen went. My computer friend wants me to buy a new screen but I don’t think that is the issue. I think there is a lose connection with the lid and the screen. I am going to have to send it to Dell for them to figure out, which means I will be out of a laptop for a couple of weeks. I should care but I don’t. Like I was telling my therapist, something happened last Friday and I just feel numb. She is calling it the “fuck its”. But it’s more than that. Me not caring about my laptop is something that is very disturbing. Sure it’s probably going to cost a lot to fix. I could just take it to Geek Squad but I just don’t trust them. I rather take it back to the manufacturer to fix the problem. I seriously should be having an anxiety attack and instead I am just blasé.

I told my therapist I feel like the family gopher and they just don’t realize how taxing it is. They just think that because I am home and in my room that they can call me and I should come running with whatever issue they are having. Meanwhile, my writing has suffered because the time it takes me to finally figure out something to write occurs but then my family calls and disrupts the process. Yesterday I was in the middle of the blog I wrote when my mother called to help her fix dinner. I am on the phone with my therapist and my mother calls. When I call her back she says why didn’t I answer the phone if I was home. WTF. Then she gets all bent out of shape because I tell her I was on the other line. My therapist then says this is why we should meet in person so we are back to being at square one. I don’t know if I can handle anything else that can go wrong. I am scared I might end up killing myself and then what is my family going to do without me? I know something just isn’t right. I don’t know if I am just wicked depressed or what. I just don’t want to do anything, yet today I changed my sheets, took a shower, and did laundry. I am paying for it now as my hip and back are killing me.

I’ve decided not to call the social worker, least not today. I can’t handle rejection right now. I’m still debating on making an appointment with my neuro for my nerve pain medication or if I should wait to see the stupid NP for it. Trouble is, the medication isn’t on my fucking med list they have. I thought my physiatrist put it on when I saw him last but the ass didn’t do it. I don’t know why they bother asking you what meds you are on if they don’t put it in your file. It’s not something I take every day but I do use it when I need to. I have been on it for years and know how it affects me. I was expecting to get at least six hours or more of sleep and didn’t. I got five and I am happy with that. It’s better than four, which lately seems to be my normal. My therapist thinks I am in a constant sleep deprivation mode. I probably am. I don’t know what it is like sleeping more than six hours anymore. It happens so rarely these days. Most of the time I wake up because I am in pain and then I can’t go back to sleep.

Well, I am going to try and find my old laptop and see if it is workable still. Probably needs a shit load of Windows updates. But at least I will have a screen that works and isn’t temperamental.

Waking up Early and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Waking up Early and other things

I have been up since around 0630. I got about five hours of sleep as I went to bed around 0130. I emailed my neurologist last night because I am running low on my medication for nerve pain. I don’t take it often so the refills have expired. Just got a response from her. As I suspected, I need to see her to get the meds. UGH. I hate dealing with her office staff. I could try and get it from my PCP. I see the NP the 26th so I will wait until then. I have enough to keep me going until then. If she doesn’t give me it, I will make an appointment to see the neuro.

I plan on changing my sheets today. It’s something that needs to happen but it always is a pain in the ass to do because of my back issues. I always throw out the back of my hip when I change the sheets. But then, I can stand too long and it will go out on me, too. I still haven’t gotten it checked out. It has been a problem for me for the past year. I took it out last Thanksgiving when I sneezed. It got better but then I sneezed after Christmas and it went out again. I have been in pain ever since. This time I am going to try and not keep so much stuff in my “office” side of the bed. That will make it easier to change the sheets because then I don’t have to keep moving stuff around.

I also want to work on the story I wrote a few weeks ago. I am loaded with good coffee so I hope it makes me want to write. I am trying to avoid going back to sleep so I had coffee. I won’t be going to the Square because I need to pick up my niece later today. But I need to change the sheets first. That is a priority.

I got a lot of views on my paper on the analysis of the song “How to save a life”. And most of the viewing from countries today have been from Ireland. I like that my blog has international readers. It means a lot to me to have readers from other countries reading my blog. Granted the majority of my readers are from the US. But today, Ireland is the top country. It could change over the course of the day. I love watching my stats because it’s fun. I learn through the search engine what readers brought them to my blog and then I can have a post about the search so that other readers, usually those with Cauda Equina Syndrome, can find my blog easier. My all time most read blog is my Knackered post.

I have therapy again today. I texted her with some things that I thought about. I got interrupted so many times yesterday with family stuff that I wasn’t able to write about it. I had started a blog with ideas and rather than sending it to her, I just texted her because it was easier. It was only a few things and it fit on a text. I hope that we can continue the conversation. After 14 years, it will be very difficult not to be in contact with her if we end. Our 15th anniversary date is in January.

Because I am feeling very hopeless and my therapist asked me to, I have put off the date that I was going to end my life. I feel defeated because now I will have to continue to live when I don’t want to. And because of the holidays, I don’t want to end my life then, which means I will have to see my next birthday. It was something I have been trying to avoid this past year. I wanted to stay 39 forever. It shouldn’t be so complicated, but it is. I hate living. It is such a damn struggle all the time. And the thought that I keep having bowel accidents doesn’t appeal to me for living. I have tried to deal with this stuff the best I could but I am so tired. I get no relief from the daily physical pain I have. I am tired of people telling me I need to lose weight when I don’t have the motivation to or the mobility to do so. I wish I could walk like I used to but I can’t. If I could, I wouldn’t be disabled from work. I know my job was stressful and it caused me to be very suicidal at times, but least it gave me something to look forward to every day. It gave me some purpose. Now I have none of that. Sure, I write but other than this blog, I doubt people would buy my book. It’s really depressing and powerful writing that no one sees or understands. It’s not a hopeful book. How can I write about hope when I don’t have any? I just think my death is the only way out of this misery that I am in.

Last night I was writing in my new journal. I was describing what I am saying right now. I might have to go into the hospital because I feel like I am going to snap. One more trigger and I am afraid I might go into constriction and then I will attempt to take my life. But I really don’t want to go there. Just the thought of the bullshit and my meds being split up because they don’t have the right tablet dose keeps me away. I take 12 pills a night. Last time I was in the hospital I had to take almost 16 pills. It was the same medication, but they didn’t have my BP med in a 40 mg tablet so they split it in 10 mgs tablets. That is four pills I had to take. I don’t know if they will have my other BP med in the dose. I would hate to take fucking another 4 pills for that, too. But there is no treatment while you are in the hospital. You just go to groups that are for arts and crafts, mostly. There is no psychotherapy going on in any of these groups or even in the meetings with your case worker. It’s just an adult babysitting system. Someone checks on you every 15 minutes and you talk with staff, which turns out usually to be better than talking with your case worker and psychiatrist. If I go to the unit I was before, that is how it is. If I go to another unit, you just get 15 minutes with the “team” and that is all. Sometimes you meet with your staff person, sometimes you don’t. It sucks. I rather just stay outpatient and struggle than be inpatient. Least I can have my electronics and not be watched.

Quote of the Day 14 Oct 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Manic depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live.

Kay Redfield Jamison

Tired of Dealing with Bullshit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tired of dealing with Bullshit

I realized today that since my accident on Friday, I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I keep this blog or stop it, that I don’t care if I see another therapist, or continue to see my current one. I don’t care that my family takes advantage of me and thinks I can do things physically that always bring me pain. I think they have accustomed themselves to me being home all the time, forgetting that I am disabled. I am tired of being in pain every single night and being in fear of this pain because I don’t know if I will sleep. Last night I was having one of the bad nights and thought Hyde was going to come out. He didn’t but it was the perfect scenario for him to come out in. And I don’t care that he has gone under, away from my consciousness. I feel like I am out of touch with everything and I am just going through the motions. I can’t think about killing myself because why bother, I’ll just get it wrong.

Since my mother fell last week, she has asked for help with making dinner and then cleaning up. I hate cleaning up. Growing up, we didn’t have a dishwasher so we had to do all the dishes. My father had his way, my mother had hers. And when one of them were supervising, there was bound to be yelling because we were doing it “wrong” aka the other parent’s way. But my mother washes the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. I don’t understand this so I just washed the two dishes and put them in the strainer. I don’t see the point of washing them just to be washed again. Doing this causes me pain. My hip acts up because I am standing greater than ten minutes. Then my foot and ankle decide to get ornery. My upper back can’t stand me doing anything so I have to sit down and rest every ten minutes. It takes a long time to get finished doing this stuff. But I have to help her because she is hurt. I did the dishes and pans tonight. I didn’t do the pan she cooked the mushrooms in because there was still a lot of oil in the pan. I don’t do oil. If I toss it, she might be mad so I just left it for her to do. Tomorrow I have to pick up my niece. I hope my ankle is feeling better by then and I can stand and walk to the school and back.

My therapist and I talked today. She was all business and willing to work with me, even if that meant finding another therapist. We walked down this path before and I am sure we will walk down it again. I was going to make a call today to a social worker in my area. I never made the call. I just can’t go through another possible rejection. I hope the business like attitude continues and we don’t really go back to where we were before.

I realized today that I have become my father. When he becomes mad at someone, he cuts all lines to them. He never talks to them again. I realized today, it’s what I have been doing to my therapist the past three or four years. Every time I get mad at her, I want to leave her. Problem solved. But she wouldn’t allow that, never has. I sent her stuff from the Suicide Summit meeting that is going on the past few days in NY City. Some of it had to do with Jobes and others were from other researchers. We talked about it and the airhead thinks that I still want her to be a suicidologist. I think Airhead is going to be her new name. What I find troubling is that she gets the information that I give her yet won’t step outside her box to actually find these places on her own. Like suicide is a one time thing. I can’t be her only client that is suicidal. Maybe I am. I have no clue. And I don’t want her to be suicidologist, just be aware of what is going on in the suicide world because it is so important in the field of psychology and others. Suicide is everyone’s business, least that is the motto of the AAS. She doesn’t have to change her entire way of doing things, just be aware of what is going on around her. I am not at the hospital anymore where I had access to current research. I am only getting tidbits from Twitter because I follow suicide prevention tweeps. And those tidbits turn into my research library. Sure I get the AAS journal, but it’s the only research journal that I get. When I was at work, I had access to all the psych journals and more. It hurts no longer being an employee anymore.