Category: blogging

3500th Blog post

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

3500 blog post

This is my 3500th blog post. I have been blogging since 2012, the year I got disabled. It was a tough year and I was depressed and suicidal most of the time. I had a lot of time on my hands and so I think writing about how I was feeling helped to get stuff out of my head. This blog has been a lifesaver for me. I don’t know what I would do without it.

Yesterday was a really challenging day. I had therapy in the morning. It was stressful. We talked about things that were hard to talk about. She is good at keeping me on point rather than going off on a tangent. I told her I would work on self-care and brushing my teeth/showering. I have been bad at doing these things. I don’t like brushing my teeth but I know it has to happen. I have been showering at least once a week but sometimes I can go 10 days without a shower. I need to work on clearing my bed for the week as I have nothing scheduled the rest of the week. It would be good to change my sheets.

After therapy, I had an hour before I had to leave to get my 2nd vaccine shot. I took public transportation to the hospital and back. I was seen really quickly at the vaccine clinic. I was in and out in twenty minutes. I then went to the square and got a caramel macchiato. I had a half hour before the bus was to come so I just sat on a bench and drank it. It was peaceful at the station. Not too many people were there. I was already feeling pretty tired. I brought a Powerade bottle with me to drink so I would stay hydrated. PT was torture. She had me do one of the machine and within a minute or two, my CRPS ankle flared up. I went as slow as I could possibly go. I didn’t care. I was exhausted and just wanted my bed. Afterwards she worked on my legs to get the knots out. She accidently put too much pressure on my nerve injured thigh and I screamed in pain. She avoided the area the rest of the session. My legs felt better but I got up too quick and got dizzy. She had me drink some water and rest. I then realized I had not eaten all day. I ordered Kung Pao chicken on the way home from PT. It was so good. I really love this dish.

Today I have been tired because I was up in the middle of the night again. I woke up at 1 to pee and had trouble getting back to sleep. It could be a side effect of the vaccine as well but I am going for my long day yesterday and being up in the middle of the night as a reason why I am so exhausted today.

I don’t know if I will listen to the entire game but I am going to listen to the first couple of innings. They are facing the Braves, which has been on a hot streak. We have been on a losing streak so will be fun to see what happens. I love baseball so much. I am keeping track of games lost/won again on Twitter. Right now their record is 29-19 and we are in first place.

I got a craving for donuts so I ordered them. Now I am happy because I haven’t had donuts in more than a year since the pandemic started. I am going to try and take my night meds around 7 but it might be earlier. I am just so damn tired but if I go to bed now, I most certainly will wake up before midnight and be up all night.

Trauma and Memories

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Trauma and memories

Trigger warning: childhood sexual abuse

Monday I had therapy. We talked about stuff and somehow got on to talking about my mother. We didn’t discuss what I was thinking about but I could have sworn my therapist mentioned rape and it all sort of clicked. My mother raped me a few times during my childhood. I won’t go into specific details because this is just triggering for me. There is a lot to talk about during next session. I am glad it is next week. I don’t think I can handle another session of this caliber. To say I hate my mother is an understatement. I haven’t been talking to her the past few days. I’ve just been ignoring her.

I have been in a funk since this realization. I got so many feelings about it, mostly shame and guilt. I don’t know why I feel guilty as I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I guess the depression just loves to throw that in whenever you are down just because. I also been feeling disgusted whenever I am around my mother. The price of having to live with her.

I had therapy today and we talked more about the abuse my mother put me through. I talked in detail about what she did to me. Not all at once. Just in pieces. My mother had this thing of looking at me after I showered. She paid particular attention to my genitals. One day she saw that my labia was long. This concerned her. She forced me to be examined by her. Then she took me to the doctors to be examined by them. Nothing was wrong with me. Just like there was nothing wrong with my breasts when she examined me then took me to the doctor then to a surgeon at the age of 13. This was because one boob was bigger than the other. She has always done her exams out of “concern”. Guess putting things in my vagina was out of the same concern. She had this weird idea that my vagina was closing and she was determined to keep it open. I was 3 when this happened. I only knew about it because I got my pedi records. It still burns me that my pediatrician didn’t think there was anything wrong with this. My mother was always interested in my genitals and then when I developed breasts, my breasts. She was always looking for ways to touch them.

I feel disgusted about this and sick to my stomach. I feel like an asshole. I don’t want to feel like this but I guess it goes with the territory. I still find it hard to have these feelings and be around her and act like nothing is wrong. I have to stuff the feelings down because I have no where to express it, except to my therapist but getting it out is so hard. I don’t know what I am feeling all the time other than shame and disgust. I am hurt because I was violated by someone that was supposed to care and protect me.

The abuse happened throughout my life until I was 15. That is when we really came to blows and I suffered from a deep depression that made me angry at her for not getting  me the help I needed sooner. She was of the mind that all I needed to do was talk to her because she was my mother. But I had so much hate towards her for everything she did to me that she was the last person I would go to for help and support. Even today, I am not likely to talk to her about anything regarding my mental health issues. She lost me when I was a teenager and I don’t think she will ever get me back. What she did was hurtful and traumatic. I am glad I am talking about it now even though it is really painful to.

Painful Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

Painful Sunday

I woke up around 5 this morning because my damn shoulder was bothering me again. I couldn’t go back to sleep but I kept dozing off and having weird dreams about being in the medical field. I finally got up when I had a strong enough urge to pee. I took my morning meds and then waited for pain meds to kick in before heading downstairs to brush my teeth and have coffee. It is nice out so I opened the back door to let some fresh air in the house. Pollen counts are high today and my eyes are already tearing.

I am going to shower today and shave. Just hope the pain meds keep my shoulder pain free so I can move my arm. I don’t know why it has been so painful lately and the only time it flares up is when I am sleeping. I don’t know how I am sleeping is annoying my shoulder. I should try sleeping hugging a pillow again or trying to. I start off hugging the pillow and then it ends up on the floor.

I am going to try and go to the mailbox today for a walk around the block. I need to mail my letter to get my name change document certified. I should have gotten it back when I first changed my name but I wasn’t thinking. I need to have a certified copy so I can get my passport renewed.

I am so fricken tired. I am determined not to nap again today though. I am going to try and keep moving. I might watch a movie today or some DVDs on China Beach. I love that series so much. Dana Delany is one of my faves. I really would love to see The American President again. I just don’t know where the DVD is.

My sister is going food shopping. I asked her to get me some half and half and some yogurt. I should ask her for some steak but I haven’t been in the mood to cook lately. I just have been making some simple things like fried eggs or scrambled eggs. I will be making a burger today.

Whatever thing that was irritating my urinary tract has cleared up. I am back to retaining like usual so I have put the alarm on to remind me to go. I put it for every four hours and I can change it as needed. I haven’t cathed in two weeks since the infection. Hopefully I won’t have to.

Like every Sunday, I need to fill my med box for the week. I usually do it around 2 pm so I don’t forget. It doesn’t take me long to do. I take 15 pills a day, not including my PRNs that I take. It is a lot to manage and remember.

I am kind of nervous about going to therapy this week. I had a little od last week and I let my therapist know about it. She was upset with me. I had texted her before I did it and got no response. Kind of pisses me off that I reach out and it isn’t until I do something that she responds. If she had said something like use my safety plan or something I might not have gone down that path. I am not blaming her as it was my choice to do what I did. I guess I figured in hindsight if maybe she said something sooner, it might have taken me out of the spiral I was in.

Exciting news!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I just did a guest podcast about trauma and lived experience. I had fun doing it and this will be published June 3rd. I am so excited about this and hope you will take a listen to it.