Category: cauda equina syndrome

Baseball Movies and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Baseball movies and other things

I watched a League of Their Own tonight. It was not as funny as I thought it would be but it had its moments. I found it really good. Now I want another baseball movie. I took my meds a little while ago so I am not sure I will be able to watch the entire thing. I am thinking Love of the Game will be next. I love Kevin Costner and this game is more baseball than any movie that I have seen so far. I still want to own Bull Durham and Major League. I have not seen these movies. I rather read books. I also want to see Sandlot. I heard that is a funny movie. My favorite actress, Teryl Rothery plays in Sandlot 2. She always has small roles in movies and TV shows. She is a good actress and don’t understand why she doesn’t have a bigger role. She did in Cedar Cove but the show got cancelled after the 3rd season. I am really going to miss watching it.

My back and thigh are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I am so scared that I might go to the ER tomorrow. It’s not like me to have back pain and leg pain at the same time unless something is seriously wrong. But then I have been thinking…if something is wrong, I will most likely need surgery, which will mean that I got CES x 3. I can’t live with that. The rehab is tough and having the surgery doesn’t mean that I will be 100%. Every time I get this syndrome, I lose function in some extremity and it takes me a long time to recover. Last time it occurred, it took me 8 months to have a fully functioning left leg, well I thought it was fully functioning. My ankle didn’t turn out to be fully functioning but no one noticed this. I sometimes lose perception of where my feet are so I need to carry things in one hand while holding on and looking at my feet to see where they are. Otherwise, there is a great chance I could fall down the stairs. I did that a few years ago and it wasn’t pleasant. I want to email my psychiatrist to get her input but she is having surgery for her own problems this week. I don’t know why this shit has to happen on the weekend. The problem started last week with twitching and now has moved to pain. I don’t like this progression. Today I was crapping without having to force myself to. I have no idea if that is normal or not as I am so used to pushing to get shit out. But the shit was flowing, on its own and I felt it so I don’t think I am losing control of my bowels. It’s so damn sad that with everything that goes on, you have to go through a mental checklist to see if you are normal or not. If this didn’t happen then you are fine. If this happens, then you are fucked. I hate this syndrome with a passion. It has you self doubting all the time. And because it’s the damn weekend, you can’t just call and talk to your doctor. You can talk to the doc on call but they don’t know you from Adam and your background.

Part of me thinks I will be okay until Monday. I should have made an appointment for this week so I could at least get scheduled for an MRI. Now I got to wait unless I go to the ER tomorrow. It will suck because chances are I will be there all day. I kind of want to know what is going on yet I don’t. I just know my back is hurting coupled with leg pain and I know that isn’t good. I am also scared that because my back is so messed up, I might have to get a fusion. If that is the case, I will never be able to work again. Every one that I know with a fusion never heals right and always has problems and worse pain than before surgery. I don’t want to go through that. I rather kill myself than go through that.

Random 123

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So far my day had been ok. I read my Civil War book and wrote a little more on my short story. I had a nap that was good until I woke up with my good foot hurting. Soon as I repositioned it, it felt better so I am not sure what its problem was. I had lunch after my nap. I was going to have a cheeseburger but decided to make a peanut butter and jelly roll up. That was good. Think I will have my cheeseburger for dinner. My mother made awful chicken wings last night. She used ketchup as a sauce. I only like ketchup with fries and tater tots. She didn’t have any BBQ sauce. I think she should have checked this before defrosting a whole bag of wings. I would have gone to the store to get the sauce. My mother just doesn’t think sometimes.

What turned my day bad was my damn bowels. I again had to push like I was in labor to get the stool out. It hurt like hell. I have been taking fiber pills and senna as I haven’t gone in a few days. I think the hard stuff is out but I still feel uncomfortable. My ass is killing me with nerve pain so it’s very uncomfortable to sit. I go through this with every single bowel movement. It hurts but usually it goes away. But if I am straining to go, the more I hurt. Now I am in a bad mood because I am in pain in place that shouldn’t really be hurting. Every time it hurts, it just reminds me that I don’t have normal bowels anymore thanks to Cauda Equina Syndrome. It stresses me out. I just want to die right now just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I really was expecting the fiber pills to soften my stools to make it easier to go. I guess that plan didn’t work, least not yet. I can’t take too much because if I do make soft stools, I will lose control and crap my pants. I will lose it if that happens. I’ve already come close to crying once today.

Today is National Cookie Day so I had one of my molasses cookies that I bought. I have been craving them for some time now. But I was only able to stomach one. I am so backed up that food doesn’t interest me. I think about eating it, but when I actually get it, I am turned off by it. I hate feeling this way. I should have had coffee today but it’s too late now to have a cup. I had a cup of tea with breakfast and that just put me to sleep. I will have it tomorrow. Think I will make the Brazil coffee.

The temp is in the forties, but it feels colder in the house. Even my laptop is cold to the touch. We are supposed to go up to the 50s this week. I hope we do. I can’t take the cold because it’s bothering my hip/back. I wanted to vacuum today but my hip has been talking to me most of the day so it’s not happening. I would be hurting more if I attempted to do it. I wish my mother didn’t bring the big vacuum downstairs. It would have been easier for me to vacuum with it than the little dirt devil that I have. Oh well. If I felt like lugging it back upstairs I would. I am surprised my mother brought it down the stairs. I am always so fearful of her falling because of her knees giving her so much trouble.

Thanksgiving 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Thanksgiving 2015

There are a few things I am grateful for that I would like to share this Thanksgiving. One is having my story published in the New York Times. Having two sisters that accept me for being transgender, even though we don’t talk about it. Having three nieces and a nephew that I love dearly and love me back.

It has been a difficult week. I haven’t felt too grateful for things because the depression has been so bad but today is a better day, least for now it is. I can’t say it will be better this evening when my lows return. I think eating has a little to do with my mood. I ate this early this morning and was still hungry when I woke up a few hours later. This is surprising because I had a good sized piece of steak last night. Usually when I have it, I am not hungry until later in the afternoon.

I texted my family members this morning. I haven’t called my Godmother yet. I probably will after this blog. I am thankful she is still alive. Still 91 and kicking, even though she has a multitude of health problems. I feel bad that I am less than half her age and have my own set of health problems.

I get to see her asshole brother aka my father today. I have to remember to bring the wine he gave me though I was very tempted to break the bottle on the way home yesterday. I could barely walk and he gives me something to carry. It wasn’t that heavy but it was light either. I know he is going to drink half the fucking thing. It’s white wine so I won’t have any. White wine always gives me the worst hangover, even having one glass gives me a bad headache.

My mother is making the turkey and the house smells so yummy. I can’t wait to eat it. I hope that my father doesn’t be an asshole today. My leg is still aching so I will be using my cane again. It’s just a reminder that I am never 100%. I have to take a shower, though I don’t feel like it. My shower is making a funny noise after a few minutes of running water. My brother in law thinks it’s the valve in the turn off valve. I think there’s air in the lines because the water loses pressure when the noise starts. But I have to stick with my every other day schedule of showering and today is a special occasion so I need to bathe. I am not getting dressed up or anything but need to be clean.

I have been invited to my cousin’s 16th birthday party Saturday. I really don’t feel like going as Saturday is usually my me day. I watch my college football games and just do what I feel like doing. I can be a bum and not feel guilty about it. But my cousin from Texas wants to see me so I need to go. I can’t believe my cousin is 16. That would also make 16 years since my uncle passed away. He died on the 22nd and she was born a few days later. I think today is her actual birthday, but I could be wrong. There are so many birthdays on my mother’s side of the family in November alone that it’s hard to keep track.

I really wanted to get a haircut this month but I don’t think it’s going to happen. It might happen after I have my dinner date with my friend. I just want to make sure I have enough cash for that as I am treating him. I don’t think it’s going to cost more than $100 but I want to make sure I have enough just in case. We will be going to our favorite Thai restaurant. I can’t wait because I have been wanting Pad Thai for some time now. They make the best Pad Thai I ever had. I have had it at a couple of places in my area but it doesn’t compare. I am excited about seeing my friend again. We always have a good time. He is an older gentleman that I used to work with when the lab was called chemistry. It’s now called Core Lab because we merged with Hematology. I do miss working there.

I am still addicted to Eric Church’s album “Mr. Misunderstood”. There is not a song that I don’t like on it. It is a really good CD. It is the first album that I bought from him. I have bought a couple of songs in the past but never an entire album. I am glad I got this one as the music moves me.

Seeing as I could not get my Combos snacks in the store, I have ordered them through Amazon. They have shipped and will be coming to my house sometime next week. Add that to the junk that I bought through my grocery list. I bought more carbs than I know what to do with. All breakfast stuff, but still carbs. The rest of my order was yogurt, hamburger patties, tater tots, and cottage cheese. I did get my burrito wraps so I had a breakfast wrap when I woke up. I love making breakfast burritos. It’s so fun. This one I didn’t make tight enough as some cheese fell out. I also bought shredded Monterey cheese for my eggs. I really didn’t know how much stuff I bought until the guy delivered it. It was a lot of stuff to put away. No wonder my leg hated me afterwards.

Pain in the thigh and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain in the thigh and other things

I still feel low and in the dumps. As expected, my therapist told me all the reasons why I should be living. She even wants me to publish the blog I wrote last night. I don’t know why. I don’t think it’s any good. But then, it has so many hits today that it must be good. People don’t read something bad. I just feel like I am wasting my time living and all I can do is express myself the best I know how.

I did the errand for my father. I was walking with a cane because my leg is not feeling so good. I had twitches last night and it left it sore as hell. I can barely walk. He laughed when he saw me with the cane. That is my father for you. He only cares about himself and that is all. I feel worse after my excursion to his house and back. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just know I really didn’t want to go to his place tomorrow so I did it today. Now I am hurting more and all I want to do is take my pain meds and go to sleep.

Groceries came today. Putting them away was the start of my agony. I was walking all over the house putting the groceries here and there where they belonged. The fridge was full so I had limited space to put my refrigerated items. I got “permission” to eat my pumpkin pie as my sister is making one. I think that will be my dinner. I was going to make my steak but I don’t feel like cooking. I haven’t eaten too much today. I had a yogurt, some cottage cheese, and a pop tart. Now I feel like puking. I don’t even think I am going to go over my sister’s for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I really don’t want to be around anyone. I am just feeling so miserable.

This thigh pain that I am feeling really scared me. It reminded me about the time nine years ago I had my surgery. It took months to get it back to functioning. My therapist called it PTSD as I had an anxiety attack about an hour and a half before our session. The pain was so bad that it just caused anxiety for me. I told her about my feelings last night where I wanted to drink alcohol after I took my night meds. I thought better of it as whiskey and baclofen probably would not be a good idea. I hadn’t taken any pain meds because I wasn’t in any pain. I just had this twitching going on. I emailed my psychiatrist but I haven’t heard back from her. I also emailed her my story. I did take some Ativan too to stop the damn twitching after it went on for about two and half hours. I am so sick of worrying whether I am going to get cauda equina syndrome again or not. Every time I have some weird pain in my leg, I freak out and panic. I have been on edge all day. But the pain isn’t radiating and it’s not affecting my bowels or bladder. I have to go through a checklist every single time I get pain in my leg or back. If I don’t have this then I don’t have that. It’s awful. That is why I can never recover from PTSD. I am always triggered.

My heaviness in my heart is still there. The fact that I have found a song that equates my feelings perfectly helps. Jennifer Nettles just came out with a new song called “unlove you”. It’s another good sad song. But it doesn’t touch me as much as “Mixed Drinks about Feelings”. My therapist today was quiet most of the time. She really wanted to listen to me today though she wanted to go off on me. I don’t think she can tolerate my sadness. It brings her to want to do something to help me but there is nothing that she can do. Listening to her when she did speak did help me. It gave me some hope that there might be a tomorrow. I can’t tolerate today. It’s too painful.

A childhood friend of mine posted a meme about transgender. It was something like we shouldn’t make processed foods so why should we have processed people, meaning transgenders. It was that most offensive thing I have ever seen. I stopped following him. He has been irritating me for a while now and now I have to unfollow him because of his ignorance. This is part of the reason why I don’t seek treatment. I am too afraid of the discrimination I will face.