Category: cauda equina syndrome

Midnight Demon, The book detailed

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

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Having a crazy day. I got up early this morning, for no reason other than waking from another weird dream. I went to see my pdoc today, which was good because she always calms me down when I am psychotic/delusional. She thinks I am just anxious over what is happening with my book and everything. She is probably right. I am not used to anxiety. I hate it and feel very uncomfortable when I feel it.

I got to sign my book for her. She really is proud of what I have accomplished. She even showed my book off in her class as a writing example. I am so happy she really likes the book.

The book is about my blogs and my struggle with mental illness and cauda equina syndrome. Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES for short) is a neurological medical emergency when a lumbar disc ruptures and you have weakness in your legs, lose your ability to control your urine/fecal matter, and have numbness down your legs. I write about this because people should be aware of what can happen with more than back pain.

My mental illness consists not only of depression, but of psychosis, paranoia, and delusions as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I write about my suicidal history more than anything because it is a suicide attempt survivor book.

I also have my personal experiences with the mental health system from the various therapists that I have seen over the years as well as the multiple hospitalizations I went through.

I hope you will support me by buying a copy of my book! It is available through Kindle and paperback through this link. Unfortunately, those are the only formats available at this time. I am going to look into iBooks eventually so iPad users can have access if they don’t want to download Kindle app. I am also trying to get it available via Nook but that might take some doing as I am not familiar with that format.

An Accomplishment

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression

Today was a somewhat good day. I did something that I haven’t done in almost five years. I took a shower, then got dressed, and went out. Normally, the shower alone takes a lot out of me and I need a nap. But not today. I feel a sense of accomplishment in doing these three things. I wasn’t out long. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I wanted ice cream but they didn’t have the flavor I wanted. Bummer. So I got a bag of chips and a Pepsi instead. Not what I wanted but still satisfied my junk food urge.

I have been in a down mood the last few days. Yesterday, all I did was sleep. The high of my book being out has come down. I know it has only been a few days but people aren’t buying, or maybe they are and the stupid stats thing is wrong. It can take up to a month to get the stats sales. So in the meantime, I am trying not to obsess about it, but it gives me something to do as nothing else seems to interest me. I just feel really down. And my brain is like “excited” in a hallucinogenic way. I have been taking my meds but there were a few days I skipped my dose. I wonder if it is catching up to me know. I just feel really paranoid, like I am constantly being watched. I hope it goes away and voices don’t spring up.

The book I am reading about breakout novels is not helping me calm down. It is making me want to write more on my Darkness story but I don’t know what to write. I feel like it is done and it is time to move to my other stories. But I feel like it is too soon to get another book going. I want to relish on my first one for a while before starting the formatting for my new book. The other stuff has been written, I just need to fine tooth comb it to make it perfect. Who knows, maybe it will do better than my first. I just did a Google search and I am on page three. Granted my blog is the majority under the search terms “midnight demon cauda equina). But like anything on Google, you need to type specifics in order for it to be on the first page.

I haven’t had any overseas sales, yet. I am hoping to get them soon as I just posted to my support group again. I also have my writer friend that I am hoping to help spread to her survivor networks. She tried to post on FB and failed because most of the people were at the AAS conference. She said she will try again after Easter.

I am hoping this book does well. I have gotten two good reviews but they are my editor and my cousin. I am thankful they wrote but not sure they really count, but I will take them. It took a lot of me to put this book out there. My second proof has not come yet. The first did and it is crap, of course. I am so glad I looked at the formatted template where they had the copyright page because I totally didn’t put one in. I just worry that someone from somewhere is going to say that I plagiarized the CAMS and Aeschi work that I wrote. I tried really hard to write in my own words as possible but things like the SSF being what it is, I have to explain it in detail. I just can’t say Suicide Status Form and leave it at that. No writer can do that.

Chronic Pain is No Joke

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Chronic pain is no joke

It has been a while since my left foot has been acting up. The last two days have been really bad. I think it is because of the weather changes, temps going from 30 to 60 always wreck havoc on me.

Though I have had a rough day, my thoughts right now are focused on my foot and its throbbing. I seriously want it to stop but there is nothing I can take to calm it down. I already took my pain meds two hours ago and can’t take another dose for another two to four hours. I am in such agony that I want to cut my foot off. I don’t have any power tools in my room so that is a good thing. And I can’t bear weight on my foot so I can’t get to the basement where there are the tools that I need. I hate being in so much pain.

I didn’t do much today, in the way of walking or standing. I did stand a lot yesterday, which is probably why my foot is killing me. There were a bunch of kids at the bus stop yesterday and I couldn’t sit down like I normally could. And it wasn’t like the kids were going to let me sit down. They were running and jumping all over the place. One little kid was actually looking at me like I had ten heads when I decided to move to another spot while waiting for the bus. It was like I wasn’t supposed to move. Now I am paying the price in increased nerve pain and physical pain. Plus my foot is swollen so that is NOT helping my case at all.

I am so tired but I can’t sleep because of the pain. My foot needs to settle down to at least a 5 on a scale of 1-10. Right now it’s a 9. I am glad I already took my night time meds because to get up again will be torture. I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom any time soon. Going down the stairs will kill me.

Why does my foot hurt? Because it is an asshole. But seriously, no one knows why. I have nerve damage in my foot and a little of what is known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). I got the nerve damage from a ruptured disc thirteen years ago. Then I got another ruptured disc five years later but at a different level. I have had many problems with my left leg, mostly stemming from my back. I have herniated discs throughout my lumbar spine. I just hope that me lifting and carrying three cases of sprite didn’t hurt me in anyway. I will find out tomorrow. I know my arms are going to be sore.

THROB THROB THROB. That is all my foot does to aggravate me and put me in a bad mood. And there is nothing I can take for the throbbing. I just have to wait for it to settle on its own. Sometimes, if I feel like it, an NSAID gel will calm it down. But right now, I can’t touch my foot. Just the sheets on my bed are bothering it. It is that sensitive. I also love how all the veins in my foot are popping out like no tomorrow. Another sign that it is CRPS. And my foot is so hot, like it is on fire. I wish I had a fire extinguisher for it but none exists. That is what kills me all the time, the burning sensation in my foot. So I have the throbbing, burning, stabbing, bone-crushing pain going on. I really want to lob off my foot. I could cry but I am not a crying guy.

Paperback is out!

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression, suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor

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my book is out on paperback and I am so excited. it is available through createspace https://www.createspace.com/4546715

hope you will get a copy!!