Category: Chronic pain

Out of memory

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, transgender

I had 21 updates to my apps on my phone and nearly half of them didn’t go through because I don’t have enough internal memory on my phone. I just spent the last half hour trying to make space and didn’t get anywhere. Will have to go through my apps and see what can be transferred to my external memory card.

I had such a hard time last night that I barely remember freaking out. I didn’t get discharged today as it was too soon, I’m suicidal, and they want to see if the new med works. I wish the doc I had today was the regular doc. He is so easy to work with. He changed the med order so I can have one of my pain meds every 6 hrs up to 4 times a day. I’m glad or I would have insisted on being discharged. 

I so wish I brought some shorts rather than long pants. It’s hot on the unit as the AC isn’t working well. I hate being hot. The only pair of shorts I have are my Jean shorts which is not very comfy after a while. 

I’m still in a lot of pain. My ankle crapped out on me in the morning so had to wear the AFO the rest of the day. Even then, it didn’t stop my ankle from hurting but did prevent me from having to limp. I’m really fluctuating between feeling ok and intensely suicidal. I still want to purchase my lethal method Amazon. I think I told the doc what I planned on doing. Tomorrow I will have the regular doc that can be temperamental with me. So far, no one has shown me any coping skills to help me deal with the pain and suicidal urges. I think the social worker is useless. I so wish I had the team I had my last admission. They were great and actually wanted to help me.

I’m kind of feeling dissociative tonight. I just feel so spacey and like things are out of reach. I also feel really hopeless. I was talking to a gay woman who is married to a transman. We exchanged contact info tonight. It was good talking to her tonight as she gets it. I told her I planned on changing my name soon. It was a hassle for her husband but glad it was done. I just hope I can have the guts to do it. It will be a big step for me.

I am so not used to writing my blog from my phone or my Kindle. I mostly use the WordPress app to check my stats. Not write blogs. Stupid phone likes to change words on me so I have to really pay attention while writing. Today I have zero tolerance for errors so I am getting frustrated. 

Don’t know what leg to limp on

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, physical pain

So I’m inpatient. The nurse’s station is down the hall. My fucking foot has exploded (one with CRPS) and my good foot has an Achilles problem and hurts. I don’t know what leg to limp on. I can’t take pain meds for another hour because that is when the shift changes and the fucking computer system will allow me my meds. I just want to die right now. The pain is so bad. I know I sat down too much today. Having my leg down just causes me more pain.

I had a bad check in with my contact person. He got smug when I said I was going to go off on staff if they woke me up early. The new med is kicking my ass so I feel hungover when I wake up. I just want to sleep in. It will be Sunday for crying out loud. But he said I need to be up at fucking 800 for meds and vitals, which is bullshit because I can refuse both. Asshole wants to play games, I’ll play games back. I know my rights.

I am tired but I can’t sleep because I’m in a lot of pain. Another 30 mins more till I can hobble to the nurse’s station. This is why I have my pain meds by my bedside at home, so I have easy access during a flare. I might take some more ativan to help me sleep. I’m kind of upset that the flares have continued while in the hospital. The last time I was in, I wasn’t in so much pain. I was still on my meds but for some reason, the flares have gotten worse.I don’t have an explanation for this that I can say this or that caused the flare. I just know that I hurt.

I definitely need new sneakers. I think that will help the Achilles problem. I still need to see the specialist for it. But the office is outside of Boston and you need a car. I’ll have to use the zipcar to get there. When I can think clearly, I’ll make the appt.

Now my ankle has joined in the fun. Fuck. Why can’t I die???

Second day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I had a low key day. I went to two groups and it wasn’t good. They were calling me lady and I took offense. Then one of the nurses used my birth name and I got really upset. I scratched it out on my ID band. I don’t fucking care.

I met with the psychiatrist, who I worked with before. Seems everyone wants to know where I stand in my transition. He will be off tomorrow and Monday.  The social worker is being nice, for now. She can be a real bitch though. 

I wasn’t too talkative when I met with my contact person this afternoon. I really had nothing to talk about. My head was pounding, which then turned into a migraine so that was fun. Then I had a physical by a nurse practitioner. She wanted to know more about my pain. I told her how it was and what I experienced. Her only advice was to keep a good bowel regimen. Thanks, tell me something I don’t know. Idiot.

I took a nap for a couple of hours. It helped my migraine but my foot pain woke me up. It was med time any way. They finally have the right dose of my pain meds so I am happy about it. I have both pain meds. I am glad. 

The doc gave me privileges. I can use my cords and stuff. They now have a charging station so I don’t need it. I might need one for my Bluetooth headset as they don’t have a mini USB. I’ll worry about it when it needs to be charged.

My room is still not as cold as I would like and is still musty despite keeping the door open. The rug is damp which is gross. Nothing I can do about it though. I don’t think the AC is on even though the air is blowing.

I called my mother. She wants me home. She didn’t like me telling her I would be out next week, possibly. Oh well

Long day at the hosp

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

I left my house at 600 and just got put in a room a little after 1930. I’m beat. Stupid people got my reasons why I was here all fucked up. They said I was hypomanic and agitated. Far from the truth. I’m more depressed than euphoric. Idiots.

I might have to see someone from medical for my ankle. Don’t know what they would do except ok my pain meds, which I haven’t had since 1330. I hope they gibe me them or its going to be a long night.

I have a lumpy bed. I already wish I was home. I honestly don’t think anything is going to get done while I’m here. But I’m hoping it resets my batteries.
Hey all, I’ve just taken my night meds and hopefully pain won’t keep me up. I’m settled in my room. I am in a single. Perks of being trans lol no one knows a damn thing about CRPS. I had to explain it to the admitting psychiatrist. Foot is swollen because it’s been down all day. I’m medicated so hopefully won’t wake up in the middle of the night. Damn pharmacy didn’t have my reg pain meds so I had to take my strong one. They were going to give me ibuprofen and I said no. Having a love/hate relationship right now being here

 try and post when I can.