Category: Chronic pain

Can’t pass out due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, grief, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been fighting sleep for the past two hours. Every time I think it is safe to lie down, my ankle or foot acts up after about 10 to 15 mins. I took this and that but I’m still awake. In a few mins I’m going to take more pain meds as I’m due. Man, I wish my doc would put me on extended release pain meds so I don’t have to take them around the clock.

My sister ordered food and invited me to have some. I couldn’t say no to pizza and fries, even though I had something to eat about an hour before. Now my stomach is hurting because I ate too much. Oh well. I really should be watching what I eat but I hate doing it so I don’t. My weight is a yo-yo anyways. I lose and gain the same 5-10 pounds. I have been drinking more water instead of soda. Small changes which I hope will help in the long run.

I’ve been thinking about therapy. Maybe in my next session I’ll see what he really knows about the different modalities. I’m tired of talking about myself. I just feel like I ramble and don’t get any feedback so why bother. Or he’ll throw out some analysis but it will stop there without a way to help me. How am I supposed to get better if he doesn’t help me along the way? It’s just getting frustrating. 

I really would like to sleep. With all the meds I take, I should be knocked out with a few hours. Pain is a bitch. It is really draining me the hell out of me. I should look into getting an adjustable bed. Maybe then I can sleep while sitting up without it hurting my back. My mother bought one but she doesn’t like it. 

I have been thinking bad thoughts about how to get rid of my ankle. I just don’t want it anymore. It is too painful. And the pain travels down my foot into my toes, all on the outer part of it. Only exception is when my big toe acts up for whatever reason. 

The whole thing is making me very depressed and suicidal at times. I don’t want to be disabled. I want my crummy job back or maybe go back to school to finish my degree. But I can’t last more than a few hours out of the house and I can’t walk very far without severe pain. Depressing.

Nothing like your ankle crapping out on you

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Today is officially the worst day ever. I’ve been in pain since 5 am. I woke up with cramps in my foot. On and off, the pain has been fluctuating bad to worse and worse to really worse. Around 2000, I could take my night meds. It was too early for my pain meds, but least I could give them a chance to work while waiting. I was walking to the nurses station with my flavored water when my ankle said, fuck you. I was stuck. I needed one of the nurses to help me. The pain was intense. I couldn’t bear weight on it anymore. 

I asked the nurse to get my AFO for me to walk to get my meds. I really became suicidal. I just didn’t want to exist anymore. I was so tired of being in pain all day. I met with my contact person and told him I was planning. It’s the only thing that helps me get through these bouts. It’s my coping mechanism. Might not be the best but oh,well. I really wish the nurses could take your meds to your room like a medical floor. I’m always at the end of the hall. Fucking sucks.

I’m sending jokes to another patient via text. Just something to do until meds kick in. I have a movie I kind of want to watch. Will Farrell and Mark Wahlberg star in it. I’m not a fan of Farrell. He annoys me. So I’m hesitant to watch it.

I hope to be discharged tomorrow. I want my meds at my bedside where I don’t have to walk or use a bloody computer system to give me my meds. I have been keeping a spreadsheet of what time I take my meds and how many pills I take. Just to keep track. Usually I use an app but the app doesn’t list the doses taken in a day. I find it’s helping me be more conscious of the number of pills I take in a day. The app doesn’t tell me that information.

One of my friends pissed me off today. She tends to act like a mother hen and today was not the day. I told her I was possibly getting discharged tomorrow and she asked me the same questions everyone has today, Are you ready and are you safe. I blew up and told her she wasn’t my therapist and I wasn’t going to answer. She then says I’m bitchy. Whatever I replied. Then she said I hurt her. She does this every time I stick up for myself. Screw her.I’m tired of her shit.

Ankle and foot is acting up. I hope I get some sleep tonight. Or it’s going to suck tomorrow.

Possibly last day in hospital 

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

I met with my treatment team this morning. They wanted to know how I was doing. I was not in the mood to placate them so told them I had been suicidal and stuff. They kind of wanted a guarantee I was going to be safe but I couldn’t tell them that definitively. So the plan is to be discharged tomorrow. 

That was all well and good until around 1330.  My ankle exploded and I purchased my method. Fuck living the rest of my life with this condition. I cancelled therapy with my therapist on Monday. I’m still debating to do the same with my psych on Friday. I just don’t want to live anymore.

I have been staying in my room most of the day. I’m in too much pain to socialize. I have decided not to go to any groups today. I just can’t sit that long. I also can’t stand that the group leader is late. It’s just one of my pet peeves.

After making my purchase, I told staff I wanted to die. Nothing got done about it. I hate this place. I’m just being babysat at this point. I really don’t see how staying here can help me. I really want to be in my own bed with freezing cold AC. I still haven’t figured out how I’m getting home, if they discharge me. I don’t ever think I have been this suicidal over a pain flare before.

I have been trying to nap for most of the day without success. Too much noise is going on the unit and checks keep knocking on my door. So annoying.

I have been snacking the past hour or so. One of the patient’s mother brought in fruit so I’ve been having that. I also had some graham crackers.

I’ve been open with staff about my suicidality. But like always, they don’t take chronicity seriously. Oh well. If I see my psych on Friday, i will let her know. I really don’t want to exist anymore. Being in chronic pain just sucks the life out of you. It is so draining. I really thought I wouldn’t have a flare while I was in the hospital. Man was I wrong. I just want to be home so I can take my neurontin as I please and use the lidocaine cream, which they don’t have here. I really could have used it last night. I honestly have no idea how I slept till 0500 as the pain was horrible. But cramps woke me up. That is so fun.

I want to shower but I can’t because I hurt so bad. Maybe tomorrow morning. 

Out of memory

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, transgender

I had 21 updates to my apps on my phone and nearly half of them didn’t go through because I don’t have enough internal memory on my phone. I just spent the last half hour trying to make space and didn’t get anywhere. Will have to go through my apps and see what can be transferred to my external memory card.

I had such a hard time last night that I barely remember freaking out. I didn’t get discharged today as it was too soon, I’m suicidal, and they want to see if the new med works. I wish the doc I had today was the regular doc. He is so easy to work with. He changed the med order so I can have one of my pain meds every 6 hrs up to 4 times a day. I’m glad or I would have insisted on being discharged. 

I so wish I brought some shorts rather than long pants. It’s hot on the unit as the AC isn’t working well. I hate being hot. The only pair of shorts I have are my Jean shorts which is not very comfy after a while. 

I’m still in a lot of pain. My ankle crapped out on me in the morning so had to wear the AFO the rest of the day. Even then, it didn’t stop my ankle from hurting but did prevent me from having to limp. I’m really fluctuating between feeling ok and intensely suicidal. I still want to purchase my lethal method Amazon. I think I told the doc what I planned on doing. Tomorrow I will have the regular doc that can be temperamental with me. So far, no one has shown me any coping skills to help me deal with the pain and suicidal urges. I think the social worker is useless. I so wish I had the team I had my last admission. They were great and actually wanted to help me.

I’m kind of feeling dissociative tonight. I just feel so spacey and like things are out of reach. I also feel really hopeless. I was talking to a gay woman who is married to a transman. We exchanged contact info tonight. It was good talking to her tonight as she gets it. I told her I planned on changing my name soon. It was a hassle for her husband but glad it was done. I just hope I can have the guts to do it. It will be a big step for me.

I am so not used to writing my blog from my phone or my Kindle. I mostly use the WordPress app to check my stats. Not write blogs. Stupid phone likes to change words on me so I have to really pay attention while writing. Today I have zero tolerance for errors so I am getting frustrated.