Category: Chronic pain

Saturday blog Nov 4, 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, college football, mood disorders

I was having a fairly good morning until my pain hit. I went to nap and my big toe exploded in pain. It really caused my mood to plummet. After lunch, I took another nap. The evening shift nurse woke me from my rest to discuss my pain. I felt like she didn’t believe me. I’m so tired of having to explain my pain to every staff member on the different shifts. It’s like, don’t you read my records?

After I had dinner, I was getting sleepy again so I made a cup of tea. It was the last tea bag I had that was caffeinated. I didn’t think to pack more as I was running low my last admission. Oh well. Guess Lipton will have to do. I’m trying to get my cousin to visit to bring me some chocolate. If she does come, I’ll ask her for some tea as well.

My check in person is cool and my favorite mental health counselor is on this weekend. I really enjoy talking to her. She bought my 1st book. I tried to send her my 2nd but they had a nursing change and decided it wasn’t good to have patients give gifts to staff.

My mood sucks and I just want to die. I just feel so hopeless that things are going to get better. Just got to take it day by day. My pain isn’t so bad right now and I hope it stays that way. Last night it flared and I didn’t do so well. The staff didn’t know what to do for me. My idiot contact person jokingly said I should swift kick a wall. Yeah, that will help. I’m just frustrated with being here. Maybe Monday I can have a discharge date set up.

I talked with my mother and she asked why I went here rather than where my psych is. So in bad to go through it once again. I didn’t choose to be here. Hell, I didn’t want this admission to begin with but it was either go voluntary or be committed. So I’m just going to bide my time until I can leave.

There was only one group today. I think there is one tomorrow, too. I don’t remember. I was kind of sick this morning. I think the Zoloft is causing nausea. When I brought it up to the covering doc, he said to eat carbs. I told him I had 2 bagels for breakfast before my meds. Idiot. I’m not going to take it tomorrow and see how I do. My time on it might have run out. Another antidepressant bites the dust.

Watching some of the OSU game. They got killed by Iowa. So disappointing. The guy that served the meals is a buckeye fan. He said they weren’t on TV but I found the channel. I was getting impatient waiting for updates with the app and wanted to watch the game.

Day and night in ER

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

I only got about 3 hrs sleep. I was able to shower and catch the 2nd bus to the Square. I paged my psych when I was at the bus stop. The bus came and I was relieved. I got to the ER and talked with the attending. Then I went to the main part of the ER and waiting 3 or 4 hours for psych to see me. I had 2 nurse practitioners and the attending psychiatrist. I told them how I didn’t want to end up in the hosp I was at in the summer. I told them I wanted the unit at this hosp or just send me home.

After the interview and lunch, the NPs came over and said I was sectioned so in had to go to another part of the ED where there are babysitters. I had to change to scrubs as they didn’t want me to leave. Ridiculous. I did what they wanted and waited some more. They were waiting for a bed to open on the unit and until then, I had to stay put. Lovely. Looks like I’ll be spending the night here. Oh joy.

Really annoyed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, disability, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been trying to sleep the past 2 hours but every time I lie down, my ankle and/or foot acts up. So I take something and that particular pain goes away only to be replaced by another pain in a different area of my foot or ankle. It is driving me nuts. Right now I have a brace on my foot. I had some medical tape on. That helped some of the pain until I moved my foot upward. Every time I move it, I’m in excruciating pain. It makes me want to die right then and there. I pound my pillow and I moan. No one can hear me. My mother is sleeping and deaf.

I posted a pic on Instagram with the brace on. I posted suicidal. I hope the cops don’t show up at my door tomorrow. I don’t know why I did that. I’m going to take it down. I don’t want trouble. Fuck. I am pointing my ankle downwards and I’m hurting. WTF. I’ve had enough of this bullshit.

I’m canceling my PT appt for today. The weather calls for flooding rain. I don’t want to go out just to get soaked waiting for the bus. I’ll email my PT after I cancel to let her know why so she doesn’t think I’m blowing her off. If I had a car, it would be different. Traveling by public transportation sucks sometimes.

I think the Zoloft is causing me to be nauseous. I had lowered by dose last week and was doing fine until tonight. I had to take a zofran to get rid of the feeling. I really dont want to puke. I’ve been on Zoloft for a year and a half or so. I’m not surprised it is making me sick. That was why I had to come off it. Most SSRIs cause nausea with me. When I see my doc next week, I’m going to ask her to possibly switch to something else, maybe venflexitine (Effexor). It has been the only drug I haven’t been on. I might have to have a break between meds or it could cause serotonin syndrome, which is not fun.

I took neurontin tonight to help with the burning. I hate when the physical pain is gone and it is replaced by nerve pain. I was reading an article about how there are few meds that help with nerve pain. What pissed me off was that it didn’t say what meds worked. Left you feeling like what is the purpose of the damn article. Hate that.

I had to put lidocaine on my big toe because it was acting up. I don’t know why some nights the top of it really hurts like it is being torn apart.

I hate when I am so very tired yet I can’t fricken sleep because of pain. I’ve taken all that I can. Just wish it would let up a little so I could sleep. I can imagine what my sleep study is going to be like. Always takes me forever to settle down to sleep. I even took an extra Ativan and I’m still up. Pain just doesn’t care what I take. Pisses me off. Think I’m going to brush my teeth. I need to go to the bathroom anyway. Stupid bladder! Walking downstairs is going to be fun. I need an immobilizer for my ankle so it doesn’t move. Maybe that will help. I just need it at night because that is when the pain is worse.

Foot Pain, Ankle Pain, Psychache, when will it end?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I feel asleep around 2100 only yo wake up 3.5 hours later. I had to use the bathroom. While I was there, I figured I might as well brush my teeth. My foot started hurting so I rushed.

I went back to my room and couldn’t settle down. It’s starting to be a never ending story of pain. Now my heart is breaking and I don’t know why. I should feel better now that I know my mother knows I am a man. I thought that would take away some of the depression but it hasn’t. I still feel hopeless.

I wrote a tweet and someone flagged it on FB. I got a message asking if I needed help or someone to talk to. The report is anonymous so I have no idea who reported me. I’m just glad no cops showed up at my door. 

I’m so tired of this crap. I’m sick of being in pain all the time. I wanted to make cookies and instead, I slept all day. I might do it later today. I love the cookies.  My niece wants me to frost them so I might so that. I think they taste better without the frosting. But, I can only make the cookies if my pain is down and it shows no sign of that happening. 

I never bought the zucchini. Maybe I will Monday when I am out. I really want to make the zucchini bread. I really like it and it is easy to make. One of my friends posted a recipe for dark chocolate molasses cookies but you need brown rice flour. I’m not sure where I can find that. I also need to buy molasses. Maybe the next time I am in the Square, I’ll look in the grocery store there. They have some organic stuff and might carry the rice flour.

I don’t know why I feel so much psychache. I guess it may be due to my friend not really loving me like she says she does. I’ve known this for a while now. I’ll go for days without hearing from her and then she will be in some crisis or another, needing to talk to me, usually late at night when I want to sleep. It just annoys me that the only time I hear from her is when she is feeling bad, like I don’t exist until she feels she needs me. I just learned to distance myself from her.

I had texted my therapist about the news about telling my mother that I am transgender. He responded. He is glad I did so. I also texted my former therapist and she never did. I don’t think she will. I emailed my psych and she didn’t respond either. I see her this coming Friday so I’m sure we will talk then. I should be feeling elated that my mother knows but I still feel like shit. I think the pain of my ankle/Foot is just bringing me down so much that I can’t feel anything else but misery. 

Not sure if I mentioned it but I have decided that Oct 10th I’ll be changing my name, legally. It will cost me around $200. I’m going to make sure I get enough extra paperwork so I don’t have to go back to the courthouse. I’m not sure how many I will need to change my name on various things. I’m excited and scared about taking this step in my transition. But none of that will matter if my pain causes me to end my life. 

It is a constant battle trying to keep myself here. It is a roller coaster of emotion all the time, from feeling deep despair and suicidal one minute to feeling ok the next. I know one day I will end my life. I just don’t know when that will be, sooner or later.