Category: Chronic pain

Pain and sleeplessness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I just got off the phone with my psych. I was feeling really suicidal as pain has been intolerable. She wants me to think about the Hosp.

I’ve been trying to sleep the past few hours but I’m in too much pain. I was feeling good until I went upstairs to my room. Then I had to use the bathroom which flared things up again. I’m in dire straights.

I’m to call my psych when I get up tomorrow. I don’t know if a hospitalization would be helpful or not. I’m kind of against them because I feel like they just babysit you. I just want to sleep and I can’t. 

I did ask my psych if I could od but she said no of course. I feel like she iis the only one who cares right now. She said if my pain was down, I wouldn’t be so bad. Probably. I know I would have the same mood swings, just not as frequent. Pain is really controlling my life. I have to monitor all my activity and it just sucks.

I finally told her about my family member that I think is developing schizophrenia. She told me if I brought them to the hospital, she would make sure they would be on the right unit.

The top of my foot is burning like it is on fire. I’ve taken 1800 mg of neurontin today. I should be knocked out and so should the pain. I’m so tired of nerve pain. It is worse than physical pain. At least with the physical pain I can take meds for it and know within an hour or so, I’ll be OK. Not so with nerve pain.

Sox lost to the Bronx bombers, literally. Porcello gave up 3 homers. And the game was over. They lost 8-0. Pathetic.

As much as I don’t want to go in the Hosp, I think it might be a respite from my every day stuff, if I get placed on the right unit.I need to be on a unit that will help me deal better with my pain and my psych issues. I also need another therapist. My current one just isn’t working out. I feel he doesn’t care.

My veins are popping up on my bad foot. Ugh. It’s going to be a long night.Going to take some Ativan to see if that calms me down some. Wish me luck!

Weird day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders

I was up all night because of pain. I caught a two hour nap and then woke up at 5. I made breakfast as I was hungry, took a shit load of meds, and went back to sleep. Before I did, I emailed my psych saying I wasn’t going to the hosp today. I might go in the afternoon but the morning was out. 

I had a weird dream, one I don’t care to remember because it was so bizarre. I got up and was hungry. It was around 3 pm.my mother wasn’t making anything special so I decided to order a burrito. It was good. They again didn’t give me sour cream or guacamole in it. It was fine.

I went up to my room and it was a sauna. My mother had turned up the heat. I was so hot I took my shirt off and took a nap.I shouldn’t have done that but I was tired. I woke up just in time for my night meds.

I counted each one out as I didn’t have them in my box. Tonight will be the last time doing so. I’m not going to the hospital so I can put my meds in the box tomorrow. I’ll take my chances with my flare ups. I don’t care.

I snapped again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

Last night as I was going to bed, I moved my foot like I always do and for some reason it got caught on the bedding, forcing my toes forward. I saw stars. Then I became wicked suicidal. It was late, after 2330 and I didn’t want to page my psych. I reached out to a friend who understood about chronic pain and being suicidal. We talked until the pain meds took effect and I fell asleep.

Then tonight, I was wicked tired after eating dinner so tried to take a nap. About 15 mins later, my ankle explodes in severe pain. I took my meds and when I went back to bed, more pain in my foot. I feared if I call my psych, I’m going to tell her it’s over. I’m dead. I don’t care. Hopeless as all hell. Can’t stand this shit any more. So I got in touch with the same friend last night. We talked it over. I had an anxiety attack because the pain just magnifies my PTSD. She told me to breathe and it made me dizzy. It always does. I find that if I center my breathing, I do better. Least until the ativan kicks in.

I hate this is the second night in a row this has happened. I just feel hopeless that this is my life now and I can’t stand it. It’s really pushing my suicidal tendencies to the max. I don’t know when the pain will flare. Tonight it happened after standing for 5 mins to take my meds. There is no rhyme or reason for this pain anymore. It is exhausting. 

I’ve been up since 0400. I’m really tired and need sleep but I got to wait till my pain meds kick in before I can think about lying down again. And the anxiety just put me in fight or flight mode so I have no idea when that is going to settle down. My night meds has an ativan so I’m hoping it will work soon. Otherwise I will just take another one. 

I hope I’m asleep soon. My friend suggested sleeping in the recliner but it’s downstairs and my foot will hate that. Plus, it’s not that comfy. I will lie down soon and hope my foot doesn’t explode again. Two times in one night will just kill me.

As I sit here in pain…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, PTSD

As I sit here in pain…

I have no idea what the fuck I did. I got really hot so decided to take my legs out from under the covers. Apparently taking my right leg out first was not the thing to do because my left ankle then exploded in fucking agonizing pain and I couldn’t breathe for a few minutes. It was so damn bad. I held my ankle as still as possible. Then it started to cramp up on me. Fuck. I let it hang off the bed for a few minutes and that caused more cramping. Double fuck. I took another Ativan and my pain meds. What else was I going to do?

I then got really angry. I sent off a couple of texts to my therapist telling her how I felt. I used more profanity than I have ever used for her. I usually don’t swear in my texts unless I am really upset. And this time I was. Not like she is going to read the damn texts. If she is, she isn’t going to fucking respond. She never responds. Pisses me off. I don’t know why I bother.

While I was angry, I kept looking at my laptop and things on my bed and wanted to fling all of it off my bed. I was mad at myself for “defacing” my laptop cover with stickers. They never bothered me before and I didn’t know why tonight it was bothering me. I knew I couldn’t fling my beloved laptop. That would be very bad and I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. So I put some Pearl Jam on. PJ always calms me down when I am agitated and angry. Least until the Ativan and pain meds make me dopey.

I am almost finished (thank god) with the Lincoln Boys. I just read how in the 1930s and 1940s how historians were rationalizing the Civil War. One idiot thought that more compromise was needed and that if only politicians and newspaper editors weren’t so vile, the war could have been avoided peacefully. Another moron thought slavery was basically a joke because how could “white” people be so cruel to African Americans. Um, wasn’t this the time when the KKK emerged and lynchings happened? Not to mention that black people were killed if they so much as “looked” at a white woman? Sickens me, it really does. I thought this was written by a black person but nope, it was a white person. Unfucking real. I hate this author for his take on things, most of which have NOTHING to do with Lincoln or his “boys”. Propaganda, yup. I should write that. Maybe it will sell and I will be a NYT bestseller.

I got copies of MY book today. I needed one for a friend as I am giving it to her as she wanted one. In exchange, I get my happy place gift card. I ordered five copies. What I am going to do with the other four, I don’t know yet. I usually give them away to potential reviewers but that hasn’t worked out. I must have given away at least 10 copies and zero reviews have been written. But I sold a Kindle version of my book yesterday so I am happy. I’ll get 99 cents royalties for it. HAHAHA.

Did I mention that I am in pain? My toes were hurting before, like elves were hammering on every bone in my foot. Now my ankle is flared up beyond mention and cramping or throbbing. I can’t tell and I don’t want to touch it to find out. My shuffle thing really sucks because this is the 3rd time I have heard the song Release in the last 10 minutes. I love the song, but really? There are 11 other songs I could be listening to. Or 10. I forget how many songs are on the album. It’s having a calming effect on me so I shouldn’t complain. I just hate the shuffle function on my app. So if anyone has a good music app for Android, please tell me about it!! Rocket player isn’t for me but works until I find another one.

I’m glad my mother is ok. I heard some banging and shit downstairs so immediately thought the worst. Then she came up the stairs so I knew she was okay. If my ankle wasn’t hurting I would have checked on her. But I doubt I could stand. As I still can’t move my fucking ankle a millimeter. Damn you CRPS or whatever pain syndrome I have.