Category: Chronic pain

Painful, do nothing Saturday 

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I woke up in severe pain and took my meds. I didn’t go back to sleep right away. I wasn’t hungry so I just made iced coffee. It was good. It kept me from going back to sleep. 

Around 1400, I called my mother to find out what she was going to do for supper. She said she’d make a stir fry. I really wanted pizza but whatever.

I took a nap. Had a dream I was in the lab again. I was working double shifts. I was in pain in the dream. I woke up and sure enough, I was. My mother called me and I had dinner. It was gross. My mother made a rice stir fry with chicken using lemon and soy sauce. I should have ordered pizza. My stomach is reeling. I am so mad at her for ruining the meal.

I’m not going to do anything today. I’m still in a lot of pain and my mood is down. It’s still humid out so I’ve just been staying in my room. I’m going to take some more pain meds and neurontin. Don’t fucking care. I hate being in this much pain.

Pain and sleeplessness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I just got off the phone with my psych. I was feeling really suicidal as pain has been intolerable. She wants me to think about the Hosp.

I’ve been trying to sleep the past few hours but I’m in too much pain. I was feeling good until I went upstairs to my room. Then I had to use the bathroom which flared things up again. I’m in dire straights.

I’m to call my psych when I get up tomorrow. I don’t know if a hospitalization would be helpful or not. I’m kind of against them because I feel like they just babysit you. I just want to sleep and I can’t. 

I did ask my psych if I could od but she said no of course. I feel like she iis the only one who cares right now. She said if my pain was down, I wouldn’t be so bad. Probably. I know I would have the same mood swings, just not as frequent. Pain is really controlling my life. I have to monitor all my activity and it just sucks.

I finally told her about my family member that I think is developing schizophrenia. She told me if I brought them to the hospital, she would make sure they would be on the right unit.

The top of my foot is burning like it is on fire. I’ve taken 1800 mg of neurontin today. I should be knocked out and so should the pain. I’m so tired of nerve pain. It is worse than physical pain. At least with the physical pain I can take meds for it and know within an hour or so, I’ll be OK. Not so with nerve pain.

Sox lost to the Bronx bombers, literally. Porcello gave up 3 homers. And the game was over. They lost 8-0. Pathetic.

As much as I don’t want to go in the Hosp, I think it might be a respite from my every day stuff, if I get placed on the right unit.I need to be on a unit that will help me deal better with my pain and my psych issues. I also need another therapist. My current one just isn’t working out. I feel he doesn’t care.

My veins are popping up on my bad foot. Ugh. It’s going to be a long night.Going to take some Ativan to see if that calms me down some. Wish me luck!

Weird day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders

I was up all night because of pain. I caught a two hour nap and then woke up at 5. I made breakfast as I was hungry, took a shit load of meds, and went back to sleep. Before I did, I emailed my psych saying I wasn’t going to the hosp today. I might go in the afternoon but the morning was out. 

I had a weird dream, one I don’t care to remember because it was so bizarre. I got up and was hungry. It was around 3 pm.my mother wasn’t making anything special so I decided to order a burrito. It was good. They again didn’t give me sour cream or guacamole in it. It was fine.

I went up to my room and it was a sauna. My mother had turned up the heat. I was so hot I took my shirt off and took a nap.I shouldn’t have done that but I was tired. I woke up just in time for my night meds.

I counted each one out as I didn’t have them in my box. Tonight will be the last time doing so. I’m not going to the hospital so I can put my meds in the box tomorrow. I’ll take my chances with my flare ups. I don’t care.

I snapped again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

Last night as I was going to bed, I moved my foot like I always do and for some reason it got caught on the bedding, forcing my toes forward. I saw stars. Then I became wicked suicidal. It was late, after 2330 and I didn’t want to page my psych. I reached out to a friend who understood about chronic pain and being suicidal. We talked until the pain meds took effect and I fell asleep.

Then tonight, I was wicked tired after eating dinner so tried to take a nap. About 15 mins later, my ankle explodes in severe pain. I took my meds and when I went back to bed, more pain in my foot. I feared if I call my psych, I’m going to tell her it’s over. I’m dead. I don’t care. Hopeless as all hell. Can’t stand this shit any more. So I got in touch with the same friend last night. We talked it over. I had an anxiety attack because the pain just magnifies my PTSD. She told me to breathe and it made me dizzy. It always does. I find that if I center my breathing, I do better. Least until the ativan kicks in.

I hate this is the second night in a row this has happened. I just feel hopeless that this is my life now and I can’t stand it. It’s really pushing my suicidal tendencies to the max. I don’t know when the pain will flare. Tonight it happened after standing for 5 mins to take my meds. There is no rhyme or reason for this pain anymore. It is exhausting. 

I’ve been up since 0400. I’m really tired and need sleep but I got to wait till my pain meds kick in before I can think about lying down again. And the anxiety just put me in fight or flight mode so I have no idea when that is going to settle down. My night meds has an ativan so I’m hoping it will work soon. Otherwise I will just take another one. 

I hope I’m asleep soon. My friend suggested sleeping in the recliner but it’s downstairs and my foot will hate that. Plus, it’s not that comfy. I will lie down soon and hope my foot doesn’t explode again. Two times in one night will just kill me.