Category: chronic physical pain

another scorching day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Another scorchering day

It’s so hot my AC can’t keep up. It’s cool in my room but not cold. Humidity is up to 47% un my room. It is muggy to say the least. I hate it. And it is only the beginning of June! Summer hasn’t even started yet. Boston has consistently gone from freezing to hot temps the last few years. I hate it. Just last weekend we had the heat on it was so cold. I didn’t go outside much today. I drank my coffee on my porch and then realized why I don’t do this on a hot day. I was sweating so much from being outside for just a few minutes. I need to take a shower and I will after I have my dinner.

I had therapy today. We discussed the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. Apparently it has been in my record for some time. I didn’t know that. I am still upset about it because of the stigma attached to the diagnosis. She agreed to take it off her notes but can’t do much about what others have written. She said that I feel empty which is a major component of the diagnosis. I do at times but it isn’t all the damn time. Most of the time I feel numb and depressed. She also said that I am angry at her a lot of the time. WTF I would love to know when I have been angry at her. If she has been taking my shutting down as being angry with her, she is dead wrong. I shut down because I don’t know what to say after I have been called out. It takes me a while to recover and come up with something to say. It is easier for me to say nothing than to react.

I asked for a couple weeks break and she reluctantly agreed. I probably won’t need that long to collect myself but I need some time off for a bit. We briefly discussed getting another therapist but she said there would be no one at the institution to give me the time I need/want. For a few days I thought we were on the same page in ending but I guess it isn’t the way I think it is. I am still so fearful she is going to end on me.

Hope the T storms cool things down. It is supposed to roll through sometime this evening. It is crazy hot in the house. I think the house is hotter than outside. I got a headache and a backache right now. Hope the two aren’t related. All I did was put some toilet paper in the bathroom so was walking around the house. I got my AC on full power at the lowest setting and it’s still humid in my room. I don’t think I am going to shower today. My back hurts too much to stand even for 10 minutes. I will try and take it in the morning. I have PT in the evening. It’s supposed to rain all day.

Scorcher Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS

Scorcher Monday

It’s 92 right now and it’s not even 1pm yet. It was like 84 around 9 this morning when I had my first cup of coffee. The house is hot as hell. I am cool in my room because I have the AC on. I would be dying if I didn’t. I need to shower and shave but the bathroom is so damn hot and just shaving my face flared up my back. I had to get the whiskers off as it just felt gross with the sweat and humidity.

I tried writing some in the memoir that I am working on. I think I wrote like 100 words and couldn’t write anymore. I have no idea where I am going with this and I am just narrating the history of my being trans. I want to write at least 200 pages but it is slow work because it is so personal and hits on feelings.

I wanted to go grocery shopping today but it is too hot out. It is going to be cooler the end of the week so I might go then. I want to get lemonade flavored Gatorade. I really like it. I might get some chicken and lemon so I can make chicken lemon on the grill. I like the way my sister makes it.

My mother just came home from the doctor’s office and her sugar dropped. I had to give her juice and make sure she got hydrated because the house is hotter than hell. She was sweating when she came home. I called her once she felt better to make sure her sugar was up in the normal range and she called me “madam”.

Ankle has flared up pretty good with all the stair climbing up and down. I haven’t eaten that much today so was starving come dinner time. I couldn’t go down right away because I was hurting so bad. My left ankle hurt and then my right calf cramped up, I became confused for the first time. I guess with the heat and everything I became disoriented for about a half hour. I drank some Gatorade to try and stay hydrated. I also took some magnesium pills for the cramps. Some random freak told me to take some supplements for anti inflammatory. That isn’t my issue. I am really tired of these idiots giving random advice when it is not asked for. Pain just peaked. Area around my ankle bone is hurting so damn bad and my neck is hurting from the stress. I want to take a Zanaflex but I know I will be sleepy if I do and won’t be able to avoid a nap like I am trying to do right now. I am so sleepy from the heat.

Listening to a make up game. Sox are playing the Marlins and just scored a run. Sox now leading 2-0. Marlins have a rookie on the mound. Brian Daubach was just on the radio. The boys interviewed him. He used to be one of my favorite players. Now 5-1 Sox and I missed how they scored because I went to the bathroom. It is the 5th inning. I have a good feeling about this game.

Guest Podcast

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, PTSD

I am featured today on the PTSD and Beyond Podcast for PTSD awareness month. Here is the link

https://ptsdandbeyond.podbean.com/e/episode-69-share-my-story-with-g/

Saturday Blog Post 29052021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Saturday Blog 29052021

I still have the urine infection. I have been taking the urinary pain tabs and it has been helping my urge but also suppressing the urge to go. I have had to cath three times during the night as I was up again around midnight. It had been more than six hours since I last voided so I cathed and omg urine was everywhere as I was so full. It was like popping a balloon. Luckily none went on the floor. I cleaned up afterwards so my sister wouldn’t have a fit.

I shaved my beard off. I then took my weekly shower. I used my moisturizing body wash. I had the urge to shave downstairs but I didn’t feel like it. My back and leg/ankle were already hurting me from shaving so I knew I had to make the shower quick. I like how my face feels right now. So smooth. Tomorrow I will have stubble.

I had made a steak for lunch and for some reason, I was still hungry afterwards. It was a huge piece so I don’t know why I am still hungry. My mother made chicken cutlets and I had two sandwiches. I still want a bowl of cereal. Maybe later.

I didn’t know what kind of music I wanted to listen to so I just played all my songs and it has been awesome. It has been good listening to music I haven’t heard in a long time. I listened to the playlist while I was in the shower. Right now Mary Chapin Carpenter is playing and her song Where Time Stands Still is on point for right now.

My left leg has flared up. For the past couple of weeks my shin has been hurting really bad. I think the CRPS has spread upwards and is now in my leg. I see a new neurologist in July and I hope she can figure out why I have this pain. It is a 10 right now and I am tempted to take another breakthrough med.

It is freezing in my room. I have a sweater on and just put on my fleece blanket on my bed. I am fricken cold. The game is delayed. But they just started to play again. It is raining on and off and temps have been in the 40s. The wind is making it colder. I don’t mind my room being cold. I love snuggling under the covers. I just shut my ceiling fan off. I didn’t do a good job dusting them off. There is still dust on the blades but I got the dust bunnies off, which was the more important thing.

The muscles around my ear is flaring up again. My jaw gets affected and hurts when I open my mouth. All I can do is massage around the ear and hope it lets up. Sometimes a Zanaflex works but it makes me sleepy so I try not to take it. I will if I feel like sleeping and can actually sleep. Sox are playing now. I am tempted to listen to the game. They are leading 1-0 right now. I haven’t listened to a game in a long time. I just have been getting updates on the MLB website. I am just in so much pain I don’t know if I can pay attention to it. I just want to take a nap. But it is too late as it is close to bed time. In a couple of hours I will take my night meds and go to sleep, hopefully with another Sox win.